Saturday, March 12, 2011

Broken Bell

Many gather round the church following the sounds of bells. Such sonorous songs come from them that even the wicked will walk forth to go to their temple. But one such bell is now cracked. He dares not tell the others and yet they know from his corrupted message that soon he will break. Solace can’t be given to one such as a broken bell. Once perfect and without error, now with a mere hairline fracture. But all know the hairline grows and with every time he talks, the crack grows and his message wanes. No one can save him in his condition. The healers of his age dare not risk going to such a high place only to be cast down by the twisted message this bell now tolls. And so he is left to his ailment, and all the other bells listen in pity.

Who’s that? A lost sheep sheepishly walks into the church drawn by the bell. He has been there only once before but swore never to come again. Somehow the bell’s toll brought him but why? The bells he had always heard called the rich or holy. They gave a message of no tolerance for mistakes, no questions that are taken seriously, and no doubt that was substantial would be accepted at that church. The bells seemed elitist to those they did not call. So high in their towers, seeming to not even be touched by original sin, they sent out their immaculate message to all of those arrogant enough to believe the message was for them. The message was clear and need not be rung out of them twice, “If you follow your Lord and are without blemish, you are welcome here.” The poor were not welcome and the humble were despised. This place was for the hypocrites and self-righteous. That is what the bells had always told and so the poor in spirit remained so, the people who mourned went uncomforted, the meek remained downcast, the ones searching for righteousness never found it, the merciful were shown only contempt, the clean of heart were despised, the peacemakers were butchered by war, and everyone was persecuted for the sake of self righteousness. All these troubles sprang from the church who failed in its part.

So why did this new man come in? With his callused hands and worn clothes, with his broken heart he soon made new foes. All those in the church welcomed him but dropped the façade once they saw he was neither rich nor righteous. And so they asked the man, “Why are you here? What brought you to us that your sin may infect us? Was it the devil? You will not succeed here demon, we have learned the true message of the Lord. One should not be charitable just as our Lord was when Mary poured the perfume over His feet. He explained to us that we will always have the poor and so should instead enjoy our riches as opposed to wasting them on the poor. So if you were hoping for alms you are mistaken, we won’t help you for we are good Christians.” The poor man, barely lifting his eyes up to meet theirs agreed, “Aye, it is well known throughout the land that you Christians are not charitable and even as I speak the word you cringe. Trust me, I never planned to come here again after the hostility you showed my dying sister. She dreamed that your lord could accept her into his arms as she departed this world for the next one. Though we warned her of your ways she was certain this Christ figure was true but then you corrected her. You had her imprisoned and beaten for trying to ‘guilt’ you into sharing your faith on charges of ‘trespassing’ and there she died, in prison. I never planned on seeing any of you bastards again but still I came because I had hoped your message had changed. One of your bells is broken. It rings of love, and mercy, and hope to those courageous enough to believe. But that’s not all, as it has degraded further, it now speaks of a church were doubts are welcome and questions answered. It speaks true to that which all of us have been secretly needing in our lives. What was once clamorous exclamation of your perfection has now become a mellifluous invitation to those who are broken and are seeking fulfillment. Admittingly, against my better judgment I came here hoping the message was true. I see it was not though, thank you.” And so the man left the church, and it was credited to him as righteous.

After this uncomfortable display of hope, the parishioners spoke amongst themselves. First they had to address how arrogant that man was for hoping for a better afterlife when they, the best and purest, were uncertain themselves. Then their priest soothed any doubts they had talking of God’s chosen ones and how they were obviously those spoken of, the world had given its bounty to these saved men and women as proof. Not to mention that their savior, their king, suffered the life of poverty and the sinful influence of despicable affiliations for their sake. He did this so they wouldn’t have to. All they were required to do is accept Jesus as their savior and accept His life as sinless despite his low friends and lower social status. After this though, the priest spoke of the “possessed” bell and how it must be disposed of. Clearly the broken bell was the work of the devil and thus they must cast it off from their infallible church. And so they did, they cast it off from its high tower and it broke to pieces as it fell upon the rocks below. As it broke, the bell let out its worse chord yet and the priest had to cleanse those present but so loud was it that all in the land heard the fateful bells chord. The blasphemy was “God is selfless love”

After all the pieces were collected and thrown into the trash pile, the poor man came back drawn by the bell’s last message. He saw the remains of it and resolved to never let it be silenced. And so he took all the pieces and crudely put it back together again. This bell was to call those to the church he now built as it proceeded to do for years and years to come. And so it seems that in the bell’s brokenness, the message was finally made whole.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Up in the Air

I'm striving to get employment at a christian camp this summer and have currently been dealing with interviews. I'm not sure I'm the type of christian these people want though. Or maybe more importantly, I'm not sure this organization is the type of christian organization I want to be a part of. I'm worried they are one of those "numbers" camps. What I mean is that most of the campers come, get emotional, and then accept Jesus into their hearts...but then they go home and nothing changes. They don't read the Bible, nor do they get more involved with their church, nor even pray to God more after the first month back from camp. The perfect example of a "mountain top" experience. I don't want that to happen to any campers I take care of. This led to some friction during one interview (I believe).

I'm not going to lie to any kid. Even by omission, I will refrain on important topics. God is one of those topics.

Q: A child wants to accept Jesus into his heart. Give us the step by step process as you help lead him to this goal.

A: ...I don't know. I suppose I would tell him (after who Jesus is to me) that it's not going to be easy at all. At camp, it's cool to be religious but it rarely is outside in the real world. It'll lead a lot of potential friendships and relationships to a less than desirable direction. You will be teased, questioned, and ultimately ridiculed many times in your life for a man you have never even seen with your two eyes. But if you can endure and take the abuse, it's worth every bit and more. Jesus will give you a strength and hope that no woman (for high schoolers), friend, power, or wealth could give you. Your thinking will be cleaner than any of the people around you because your pursuit of God will cleanse your mind. You will be a part of a community that will always be there for you in ways no secular friend group could. And last, you will be able to die in peace and hope loving all of those surrounding you whether friend or foe. But it will cost you everything you have to pursue this man named Jesus and a lot of times you are going to dislike the games He seems to be playing with you. You will cry for Him to reveal Himself to you only to have something coincidental happen that leaves you guessing at if He did it. He will break you in numerous ways you will hate because He will remake you into being whole in a way you could never imagine. Sacrifice is what Jesus was about and so it is what we who follow Him are about. Be willing to pay the cost and you will be saved and fulfilled...(this is a MUCH better way of answering than I did, more poetic if nothing else but I was nervous at the time and didn't really think about it as I have now).

But I'm not sure if that is something they would want to hear. If this camp just wants to say "we brought (insert large #) children to Christ" then I don't think I want to join them. If however they are striving to say "we didn't actually get many people to 'accept Christ' this summer but those who went to our camp left with a yearning for the Lord and the desire to pursue Him through their churches, bibles, and families" then I'm all aboard. But I'm worried about that. I remember last summer listening to some staff members speaking of how some kids in their cabin accepted Christ. Afterwords, I said great (because it really is good if it is genuine) but how many did they convince to read more of their bible, or to get more involved in their church? Some of the staff didn't even address those issues with their children. "What the heck?!" flooded into my mind and I left thinking that I would have to do that every week if I became a staff member. I'm not sure if that's what they want but that's who I am. Looking at the long run is what matters. One of my staff members when I went to camp convinced me to read a chapter of the bible before starting my homework every day and it helped me so much. From that one chapter, I would get a hunger and not start homework until an hour later sometimes, that's what I want for them. I don't want to see anyone come to camp every year and accepting Jesus into their heart every summer. I want a real relationship to happen for them. That's what me loving them would look like. But as I've been writing this, it occurs to me that you are not who I should be telling this to. I need to tell the interviewer this. Whether it hurts or helps me, he should know where I stand when a child comes up to me and asks about accepting Jesus. That's only fair.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

We all think it...

Yesterday I watched a movie with some friends called "Beware of Christians" In the movie there were various people interviewed about various topics. The one thing everyone shared in opinion though is "If there is a god, I'm sure He'll let me into heaven (or its equivalent)" It wasn't just the movie though, afterwords I thought on it and I do think most people think this. Hell, even atheists will tell me that they don't believe in God but if He exists and truly is merciful, He'll understand why they have doubts and accept them into heaven...isn't this ridiculous? Even atheists think they'll go to heaven (given that there is a god).

My mind was blown. It does make sense though, who would believe he/she was damned for eternity without God? Or a better question, who would want to believe that? I'm not exempt. I think I'll make the cut. Is that how we all secretly think? "Well, I'm certainly no saint but I'm good enough...yeah, He won't reject me." How pathetic. It's disgusting. Such thinking is not based on any form of reasoning other than "God is love" which if that's all we're going off of then everyone will be in heaven.

So I decided to force myself to acknowledge that I am, not possibly or could but AM, going to hell no matter how great of a person I am. I am destined for hell. Then I tried to stop there and just let it soak in a little. Afterwords, the thought "though God may save me from this if He so chooses" was allowed. This is how I think we should view the situation. We have no claim to heaven. God is not obligated to save us. We can strive to live our lives for Him but that doesn't mean He owes us anything (just as a man that follows the law his entire life doesn't deserve a reward). As creations, we are obligated to follow the ways God wishes us to live our lives. That doesn't mean I do it. After all, that's why I deserve hell. As creations, the will of our creator trumps our own. He gave us life/existence so if He wants us to be firemen but we want to be cops...well then it would be a sin to be a police officer.

Again, I don't claim to live up to the standard of pursuing His will over my own all the time. Ha, or even most of the time...or half of the time. But don't let that reassure you, I've accepted I deserve hell. I'm only trying to do what He wills because it is right, whether I get a reward or not has nothing to do with it. Which makes following Him better I think...not caring if He saves us, just knowing our place.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Lent...it has begun

So for all the non Catholics out there, today is Ash Wednesday and thus the beginning of Lent. I thought a good thing to strive for is a post a day (excluding Sundays) though I'm already thinking of implementing rollover (no posts one day but two another to make it even). Sometimes I think I enjoy a good atheist fling once in a while but afterwords I can't really help but shrug it off. It's not that I find any new proof or something to reel me back in, I just can't take the idea of being an atheist seriously even though I know atheists can be quite serious about their position. God is just real to me even though I can't prove Him. Maybe I just accepted Him to a point that can't actually be challenged. Or I let God be one of the building blocks other things sprung from. Like a premise that you just have to start with to get anywhere (even scientists do it though they base it on empirical data but that doesn't mean much by itself because it assumes we are interpreting our environment correctly using our 5 senses...which is crap). Either way, for better or for worse, I'm going to post something daily...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Honestly

I'm the type of person that usually will not tell anyone what problems are going on with me. However, since this one is specifically religious, I feel it should be in here. I'm not too sure about God...ha, which I guess is no surprise since I started this blog on similar thinking.

The irritating thing though is that it's a logic versus every fiber in my being sort of thing. I can't prove God and I've never had Him "reveal" Himself that I'm aware of so other than there being no legit (in my opinion) explanation for things like how life came into existence, how cells made the transition from asexual to sexual reproduction, or how the universe was able to produce life like us when life is ridiculously high maintenance. I can't really come up with good answers to these questions other than "God" but that answer leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It seems like a cop out even though there's a good chance that is the answer...I don't know.

Maybe the problem I have is religion. I've never had any problem believing in a god. The only way I really start doubting is when dogmas and religions get involved. I'm of the opinion that every single religion is wrong. Not that there isn't truth in the religion, it's just that the religion isn't correct. Jesus? He could be our messiah, but if He wasn't I wouldn't stop believing in a god. Religions all seem to try and contain God in a nice little theological box but He always gets out eventually and the religion dies out (think, there must be thousands of "dead gods" who are no longer worshiped, why?) The closest to a religion I can fully accept is the Roman Catholic Church but I think that's mainly because it allows itself to expand its view once it sees that it was wrong (admittingly though it might take a while but at least it happened). Sure its got bad parts to its history but anything that man touches is going to so all things considering, its history isn't horrible.

I don't know. I can't prove God and yet I am so convicted that He must exist. Why? I hate it. Logic and I are at odds and I can't explain why I'm against it...well to be fair, it seems that we are at odds. Maybe I am just not intelligent enough to understand fully the scope of God, ha, that's a possibility. But here I am believing that something is true but not having anything to really back it up. I hate it but I can't not believe in God. Every time I say to myself "Okay, you may just have to accept that there is no god." something inside of me says "BS, God exists and you know it. A blind man can believe in color just as you can believe in your creator." Ugh...I don't know what's stopping me.

It's not a fear of death. Honestly, I get depressed sometimes when I think that I will exist for an eternity. I would prefer to live this life and then dissipate to have my organic material bring about new life. That would be fine. Like perfect universal equality, no matter if you are rich, poor, white, asian, atheist, rastafarian...it doesn't matter, we all reach the same conclusion through our own paths. To me, a death, a true death is beautiful and bold. Intoxicating really, but I don't believe that's what happens...I'd like to though but it seems less likely to me than a god having me live. But maybe He would give me a choice where I could be destroyed. After all, the creator of the universe should be able to destroy any of it with no problems, right?

Anyway, I'm rambling...but I don't like religion. I don't like any of them. When no one has proof, why must we push our conclusions on each other? I'm Catholic but I will not try to convert anyone because we are all striving for the answer, so I shouldn't be as arrogant as my predecessors and push my beliefs, even if it means my god join the mountain of divine carcasses that no one any longer believes in.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

No "King's Speech"

I'm helping to lead another retreat (honestly I don't know why...I don't see how I could help these people with their faith lives when I'm questioning mine more and more) and so I have to give a talk about God. My topic is how I depend on God. This is a mistake, something which I told the leaders. I don't depend on God like other people do. In fact I hate how most people will depend on God:

"Dude, don't you need to study for the exam?"
"Nah, bro. I'm going to church, God's got my back."

This is an awful form of dependence because it is not dependence, it is laziness. But even in topics I can't control I won't trust in God. I ask for Him to intercede but my reasoning is that I'm some punk 20 year old with pathetic problems. There are millions out there starving, thousands getting raped, and billions with bigger issues than me. If God has some bigger plan to help those other billions of people as opposed to just me, I don't blame Him. In fact, I'd expect that from Him. So I'm not planning on any hand outs from the big guy because quite frankly I don't need them. That's not to sound arrogant, that's just realizing how blessed I already am just for my family and country.

So what am I to talk about? My view of God is much more deist than the average Christian (religion of the retreat) so being honest is going to be tough here...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Confusion

I haven't written in a while and I wouldn't be surprised if I continue to have trouble getting back into it. Some of it has to do with studying for school and trying to be social but most of it has to do with me not knowing who I am. I'm sure that sounds quite cliche and some of the more posh readers may roll their eyes but I am actually having trouble with it.

1) Why am I helping to lead a christian retreat when I can't relate to my talk topic at all (it's dependence on God but I have always striven to be strong and not turn to others for help...even God, after all, God gave me these gifts to persevere right?)?

2) Why am I helping to lead an apologetic group when some days I feel much more atheist than christian (though while I don't have a problem believing in a god, I find choosing a particular religion hard to justify)?

3) (ties into 2) Why am I defending the ideals of Christianity in debates with atheists when I'm not even sure if I believe fully in them?

4) Why the hell am I going to try to be a staff member at a christian camp where my theological comments could effect the spiritual lives of many children? Sometimes I just talk trash...

5) Why does everyone around me seem to grow closer to God when I am with them and why do they all see me as a religious man who is devoted to God when I have so many fundamental questions about Him that I'm not sure can ever be answered?

6) Why isn't God revealing Himself to me to clear up the storm in my soul?

7) Why are my lack of answers and multitude of questions not harming my love of God but just thwarting my love of self?

8) Who can be asking the previous 7 questions and still feel confident about their place and relationship with God?

I'm tired and not sure of anything. It sucks. No fancy conclusion, it's almost 3 a.m., that's it.