Journal Entry: 2/24/09
Today was Fat Tuesday. I celebrated by not running and eating some cake. Starting tomorrow I plan to:
1) Run at least 5km. everyday (except Sunday)
2) Refrain from any sweets or baked goods.
3) Not play video games until homework is done (I was quite the gamer back in the day).
4) Use the internet only for e-mail and facebook (by this time, facebook became the way most people communicated online)
5) In general, try to remember to workout my upper body.
I also have been desiring to date a Miss Holder but I find getting her alone to ask quite hard if not completely impossible...
Obama spoke today but I'm not sure if I like what he said. He mentioned trying to get most to every American a degree of some sort but I ask you: If everyone is educated, who will pick up the trash or flip the burgers? Education is good but some people do have to do the crap jobs no matter how high the education level of society is (unless robots could replace them...). I just don't to want to trust him, that's what keeps a republic working properly (suspicion in leaders).
I think I would like to hold an office of some public job (senator).
2/25/09
Today is Ash Wednesday. I was hungery but I lived. I've been wondering why I've been depressed lately and I think it may have to do with my lack of faith in Christianity. Right now, I believe God exists without a shadow of doubt but how will I feel in a week or two? Why is it that with religion, it's all black and white? Either you are a good soul searching for God or you're a stain of sin upon the world. It's always one thing or the other. Do you have faith? Y/N, Do you go to mass? Y/N, Are you a good person? See this question leaves the arena of religion and so the answer can be gray. I was talking to Virginia (a friend) today about how Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all worship the same god. She was perplexed however to why worshipers of the same god would kill each other over religion. But I believe the reasoning behind the holy wars was the same as those that started the wars from the Reformation. And that reasoning is that while we worship the same god, you worship him incorrectly so either change your ways or die (you may not like me now, but it's for the good of your soul). Or maybe it was merely political agendas given the luxury of riding a wave of fanatic religious beliefs. I wonder how I would react to knowing exactly when I would die (and how).
Monday, November 8, 2010
Mad World
This song always calms me. I feel like I've been living in this mad world for far too long. And yet I have so much farther to go. How should I measure it? By how much I grow per year? I did that when I was a teenager, now I realize that the world has found something much more important to measure me by, money.
The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).
My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?
How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?
The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?
The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?
Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.
The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).
My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?
How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?
The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?
The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?
Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Journal Entries
I found my old journal (that I started senior year of high school). I didn't write much into it so I thought since this is essentially my journal now and it had religious stuff into it, I should write it here. There are a few of these though (sevenish).
Intro:
This is the journal of James H-'s thoughts. If he is not dead, don't read this or you may consider yourself dead in his eyes for your lack of respect towards his wishes.
If however, James H- is dead when this is found, please enjoy the thoughts and daily activities of a person who once read this exact line but is no longer here. It is sad but this stupid sentence may outlive its author...(I was a little dramatic at times in this journal...)
J1: 2/23/09 (it's past midnight...)
This is my first entry. I'm not too sure why I bought this journal. I suppose so that if I were to die, some part of me may live on to comfort my family and friends...let's begin.
I had an interesting run today. I ran to the Old Wando (an old high school in the area) and ran 12 laps during which time I prayed. I prayed to Mary, all the saints, and all the angels to do what they could for me (whether it be action or prayer) as well as to each part of the Holy Trinity. But don't think I am some saint, I merely realize how bad I am and wish to improve.
I finished "David Copperfield" today. It was an okay ending but I prefer the sad ones. The endings Steinbeck gives. I'm still thinking about what I want to give up for Lent.
P.S.- If you're reading this because I'm dead, please give all my video game stuff to Brett J- and the rest to my brother, Brad H-, with the promise that it will go into funding or aiding in some way his invention. It is sad to think my days are as numbered as the entries I make now...
"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Intro:
This is the journal of James H-'s thoughts. If he is not dead, don't read this or you may consider yourself dead in his eyes for your lack of respect towards his wishes.
If however, James H- is dead when this is found, please enjoy the thoughts and daily activities of a person who once read this exact line but is no longer here. It is sad but this stupid sentence may outlive its author...(I was a little dramatic at times in this journal...)
J1: 2/23/09 (it's past midnight...)
This is my first entry. I'm not too sure why I bought this journal. I suppose so that if I were to die, some part of me may live on to comfort my family and friends...let's begin.
I had an interesting run today. I ran to the Old Wando (an old high school in the area) and ran 12 laps during which time I prayed. I prayed to Mary, all the saints, and all the angels to do what they could for me (whether it be action or prayer) as well as to each part of the Holy Trinity. But don't think I am some saint, I merely realize how bad I am and wish to improve.
I finished "David Copperfield" today. It was an okay ending but I prefer the sad ones. The endings Steinbeck gives. I'm still thinking about what I want to give up for Lent.
P.S.- If you're reading this because I'm dead, please give all my video game stuff to Brett J- and the rest to my brother, Brad H-, with the promise that it will go into funding or aiding in some way his invention. It is sad to think my days are as numbered as the entries I make now...
"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Why I believe theism is as logical as atheism
I received a facebook message from an atheist friend of mine about my thoughts on Russell's teapot and in general with his belief that religion demands evidence of the empirical sort while atheists wait. The following is my (admittingly) long winded response:
"I have heard of it before, yes. I think it's a fun jab at religion but nothing any religious person would ever stumble over. First, making up some trite example that fits how some atheist views religion should not be equated to religious belief unless merely for entertainment/ silly mockery. It's equating something too trivial to something too important so while it is easy to discount the teapot without altering how humanity views the world, to try to use such an argument about something as vital as the existence of the supernatural is ridiculous. The supernatural is just that, supernatural. So it requires man to think beyond his tools and scientific idols. So naturally it is quite easy to scientifically make fun of but that makes it no less real. I would like to bring up the theories of dark energy and black holes. We don't have any idea about what either truly are or if either really exist. And certainly for science now, the idea of testing either seems ridiculous. And yet, using the teapot metaphor, majority of the brightest scientists in the world would be laughed out of any convention they went into. What's the difference? The scientists want these things and see no real way to disprove them. The theories work well with scientists because it helps explain the accelerating expansion of the universe while also holding onto creation stories that do not involve a god. This too is ridiculous. Scientists are ignoring the scientific method because they don't want the supernatural to exist. So instead they speak of extra dimensions, dark energy that can not be observed, and how the accelerating expansion of the universe is in fact still in line with a theory of a cyclical universe...it seems supernatural to me. They have their religion and they have the articles that require faith hoping that one day maybe the truth will reveal itself because they certainly don't give me the impression that they are any better than priests using logic. But I may be ignorant in their complete theories, I admit I find majority of it silly and so I find it hard to read with my eyes rolling so much. But I should pursue it shouldn't I? It is a religion that may be correct. Just as I feel any atheist should be completely open to the existence of a god (notice I'm not giving personality to the god, I mention it openly to any theist religion to embrace).
Priests and scientists are both trying to answer the questions of our origins. In the scientific method, isn't the first step to develop a question and then to strive to answer it? Well humanity has come up with the question "Why are we here?" and we have striven to answer this question since the dawn of civilization (just think, all primitive civilizations that I know of came up with a religion). Acceptance of the supernatural is the default/simplest path to answering the question of our creation. Our ancestors have shown us this. As for the Occam's Razor, it should be stated that since both science and religion rely on that which can not be proven, the simplest theory that sufficiently answers the question should be picked (this is a religion in my opinion). It should be mentioned that such a concept is a "rule of thumb" and by no means is a "irrefutable principle of logic" (wiki) and as such, doesn't actually matter in such discussions because we are all so bias about the results we want that the atheist as well as the theist could be comforted by the fact they are not "necessarily" wrong though they "probably" are wrong. So is the teapot metaphor interesting and entertaining? Sure. Is it useful to explain why religion is inferior to science? No, it makes fun of both parties because it demands we be able to prove something that we can not.
Sorry this was so long, I fear I may have ended up ranting. Hopefully though the ranting was logical(ish). This metaphor just irritates me because it is used by atheists but from what I can see, their theories fall under the same examination. It's just that most people (despite their beliefs) like to mock others for their beliefs without properly examining how silly their own are to an outsider (ex: a christian mocking a mormon for thinking Joseph Smith heard God in New York). But we all, including atheists, believe in things that we can not hope to prove. That does not mean what we believe is false, it merely means we must escape the slavery of the scientific method to pursue the truth. Such things are required, I believe, when asking about the supernatural. And so those are my thoughts, to summarize: Just because a man may be blind and deaf to the world around him doesn't mean there is no color or music, but he may be deemed a fool by his peers for dreaming such. I believe there are absolute truths in the world and while I may not be able to prove them to you, how would you prove to the blind and deaf man what music and colors are? You and I are the blind men and we have men of sight and hearing among us. They communicate to us such things exist and in the absolute sense they do, but other than faith, how would we ever believe in that which is true?
Thank you for being willing to endure such a long reply. I haven't wished to offend you throughout my monologue (and I don't think I have but if I have, it was not purposefully), I merely wished to show you what I believe to be logical reasoning towards pursuing a religion that includes a god (for indeed I consider atheism a religion) or at least why they are at least as credible as religions without a god."
After reviewing this, I wonder at how I've come up with this and indeed I doubt I could have without the Lord. I hope my knowledge of the Big Bang theory and the such wasn't too constricting towards sounding rational...I should look into these things more, especially if I feel called to be an apologetic.
"I have heard of it before, yes. I think it's a fun jab at religion but nothing any religious person would ever stumble over. First, making up some trite example that fits how some atheist views religion should not be equated to religious belief unless merely for entertainment/ silly mockery. It's equating something too trivial to something too important so while it is easy to discount the teapot without altering how humanity views the world, to try to use such an argument about something as vital as the existence of the supernatural is ridiculous. The supernatural is just that, supernatural. So it requires man to think beyond his tools and scientific idols. So naturally it is quite easy to scientifically make fun of but that makes it no less real. I would like to bring up the theories of dark energy and black holes. We don't have any idea about what either truly are or if either really exist. And certainly for science now, the idea of testing either seems ridiculous. And yet, using the teapot metaphor, majority of the brightest scientists in the world would be laughed out of any convention they went into. What's the difference? The scientists want these things and see no real way to disprove them. The theories work well with scientists because it helps explain the accelerating expansion of the universe while also holding onto creation stories that do not involve a god. This too is ridiculous. Scientists are ignoring the scientific method because they don't want the supernatural to exist. So instead they speak of extra dimensions, dark energy that can not be observed, and how the accelerating expansion of the universe is in fact still in line with a theory of a cyclical universe...it seems supernatural to me. They have their religion and they have the articles that require faith hoping that one day maybe the truth will reveal itself because they certainly don't give me the impression that they are any better than priests using logic. But I may be ignorant in their complete theories, I admit I find majority of it silly and so I find it hard to read with my eyes rolling so much. But I should pursue it shouldn't I? It is a religion that may be correct. Just as I feel any atheist should be completely open to the existence of a god (notice I'm not giving personality to the god, I mention it openly to any theist religion to embrace).
Priests and scientists are both trying to answer the questions of our origins. In the scientific method, isn't the first step to develop a question and then to strive to answer it? Well humanity has come up with the question "Why are we here?" and we have striven to answer this question since the dawn of civilization (just think, all primitive civilizations that I know of came up with a religion). Acceptance of the supernatural is the default/simplest path to answering the question of our creation. Our ancestors have shown us this. As for the Occam's Razor, it should be stated that since both science and religion rely on that which can not be proven, the simplest theory that sufficiently answers the question should be picked (this is a religion in my opinion). It should be mentioned that such a concept is a "rule of thumb" and by no means is a "irrefutable principle of logic" (wiki) and as such, doesn't actually matter in such discussions because we are all so bias about the results we want that the atheist as well as the theist could be comforted by the fact they are not "necessarily" wrong though they "probably" are wrong. So is the teapot metaphor interesting and entertaining? Sure. Is it useful to explain why religion is inferior to science? No, it makes fun of both parties because it demands we be able to prove something that we can not.
Sorry this was so long, I fear I may have ended up ranting. Hopefully though the ranting was logical(ish). This metaphor just irritates me because it is used by atheists but from what I can see, their theories fall under the same examination. It's just that most people (despite their beliefs) like to mock others for their beliefs without properly examining how silly their own are to an outsider (ex: a christian mocking a mormon for thinking Joseph Smith heard God in New York). But we all, including atheists, believe in things that we can not hope to prove. That does not mean what we believe is false, it merely means we must escape the slavery of the scientific method to pursue the truth. Such things are required, I believe, when asking about the supernatural. And so those are my thoughts, to summarize: Just because a man may be blind and deaf to the world around him doesn't mean there is no color or music, but he may be deemed a fool by his peers for dreaming such. I believe there are absolute truths in the world and while I may not be able to prove them to you, how would you prove to the blind and deaf man what music and colors are? You and I are the blind men and we have men of sight and hearing among us. They communicate to us such things exist and in the absolute sense they do, but other than faith, how would we ever believe in that which is true?
Thank you for being willing to endure such a long reply. I haven't wished to offend you throughout my monologue (and I don't think I have but if I have, it was not purposefully), I merely wished to show you what I believe to be logical reasoning towards pursuing a religion that includes a god (for indeed I consider atheism a religion) or at least why they are at least as credible as religions without a god."
After reviewing this, I wonder at how I've come up with this and indeed I doubt I could have without the Lord. I hope my knowledge of the Big Bang theory and the such wasn't too constricting towards sounding rational...I should look into these things more, especially if I feel called to be an apologetic.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Where we have failed
Yesterday I spent the night listening to a secular humanist talk about life, his reasoning for not believing in God, and his disdain for anything "holy" and for anyone that would even use that word. Yep, I went to the atheist meeting again. I enjoy it. It's refreshing to know how much pain the churches in the world has caused. Very odd phrase? Confused? Well I think it's humbling to see how these people have been hurt by their upbringing and how their churches failed them. I say this because most of them were raised Christian. But they were turned off from it. Why? They claim logic and reasoning but as much as I'd like to think they did that, it was emotion and pain that they ran from. They just connect pain to God and don't want either to exist for themselves. At least, that's what I think but I'm just some punk kid after all. But yeah, it's refreshing to be humbled by just how bad some churches are. Why? Because we can improve. This doesn't have to be a common story. Now I can clearly see how the small sins we make in our daily lives can hurt others.
That was a big thing one of them brought up when I was talking to him. It went something like this: "I just don't think even Christians believe in their religion. Just think if you truly believed that there was this all powerful god that loved you as you were and all He asks of you is to pursue Him throughout your life for eternal bliss, what wouldn't you do for Him? If I actually believed something like that I would put everything I had into following God. But I don't and none of my Christian friends follow Him like that. Why? I can only imagine it's because they don't actually believe it or at least not enough to change themselves."
I really liked that. If I didn't know he was an atheist, he may have passed for a preacher bringing up our lack of conviction for God. It's a valid rebuke. I've been working on that but naturally I still sin. Which is basically what he was talking about, if we actually believe then sin is illogical but we do sin so we don't believe. I may have oversimplified his point there but basically the biggest problem he seems to think Christians have are that they are human and alas make mistakes. It's true, at times I put things and people before God. But to have a one track mind about anything seems outlandish to me. But either way, I liked that he said that because it just shows that Christians are being judged and we are not passing the standards of the world.
Now, that doesn't mean ALL Christians aren't pursuing God with a fiery passion. But most aren't. Yes, we too are broken. We bleed. Sometimes we will withdraw from the world if we think it'll reduce pain. To me a big part of being Christian is to become what he thinks I already should be. To slowly remove that which does not matter from my life, this is my purgatory.
There seems to be reoccurring themes at those meetings that I wasn't expecting. I'm going to have to think them out, possibly pray on it. That's suppose to be good...though honestly I don't feel like I get much from it at times. Some days are good, others not so much. But I guess it's the same with anyone I communicate with. Anyway the themes seems to be: 1) hypocrisy (which surprises me since that's what they disliked about Christians...), 2) bitterness, and 3) intellectual pride. Like I said, I'll have to think more about these so maybe I'll go into more details about it later. I don't know.
That was a big thing one of them brought up when I was talking to him. It went something like this: "I just don't think even Christians believe in their religion. Just think if you truly believed that there was this all powerful god that loved you as you were and all He asks of you is to pursue Him throughout your life for eternal bliss, what wouldn't you do for Him? If I actually believed something like that I would put everything I had into following God. But I don't and none of my Christian friends follow Him like that. Why? I can only imagine it's because they don't actually believe it or at least not enough to change themselves."
I really liked that. If I didn't know he was an atheist, he may have passed for a preacher bringing up our lack of conviction for God. It's a valid rebuke. I've been working on that but naturally I still sin. Which is basically what he was talking about, if we actually believe then sin is illogical but we do sin so we don't believe. I may have oversimplified his point there but basically the biggest problem he seems to think Christians have are that they are human and alas make mistakes. It's true, at times I put things and people before God. But to have a one track mind about anything seems outlandish to me. But either way, I liked that he said that because it just shows that Christians are being judged and we are not passing the standards of the world.
Now, that doesn't mean ALL Christians aren't pursuing God with a fiery passion. But most aren't. Yes, we too are broken. We bleed. Sometimes we will withdraw from the world if we think it'll reduce pain. To me a big part of being Christian is to become what he thinks I already should be. To slowly remove that which does not matter from my life, this is my purgatory.
There seems to be reoccurring themes at those meetings that I wasn't expecting. I'm going to have to think them out, possibly pray on it. That's suppose to be good...though honestly I don't feel like I get much from it at times. Some days are good, others not so much. But I guess it's the same with anyone I communicate with. Anyway the themes seems to be: 1) hypocrisy (which surprises me since that's what they disliked about Christians...), 2) bitterness, and 3) intellectual pride. Like I said, I'll have to think more about these so maybe I'll go into more details about it later. I don't know.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Why are you here?
I ask myself this a lot. I'll look at my friends and wonder. The friends I spend most of my time with aren't strong in their faith and they don't even pretend to be pursuing it. So why am I with them? Is it my ego? Can I not let them go? I'm majoring in engineering but why? I don't see myself working on autocad and I'm certainly going to make sure if I do use it, the use is temporary. And who will fill this hole in me? God? Hmm...possibly. But it's only growing larger as I wait for Him.
The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.
It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.
Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?
Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?
Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.
Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.
Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.
He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.
God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"
The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.
It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.
Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?
Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?
Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.
Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.
Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.
He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.
God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My Apologies to the Atheists
Last Thursday I went to a SSA meeting (Secular Student Association). As you have probably guessed from the blog thus far, I am not atheist. I'm quite the theist. Anyway, I went there and the event was organized to where Christians would talk for 20 minutes saying what they believe, then the atheists talk for 20 minutes about what they believe. Afterwords, there's a question and answer session. Fun? How could it not be?
Well for one, majority of the Christians that attended this event with me were feeling based Christians from what I can gather, the atheists gathered as much. So naturally, they were of no use in a discussion. If anything, they were detrimental because the atheists could continue their stereotyping that Christians used God to feel better about life, or God is merely a psychological/evolutionary development.
Don't get me wrong, a relationship with anyone includes emotions so naturally the most important one in any of our lives will also include emotions. BUT to try to justify your beliefs with a description of feelings and emotions is silly. I'm Christian and I hate when my fellow Christians talk of how God makes them feel. We are His creation, it doesn't matter if we feel like crap as Christians, if it's true then we must pursue God. No matter the cost, even our own happiness. But guess what? God designed us to only be complete and happy in Him. Now does this mean a religious person will always feel fulfilled? Of course not, it means that only through being religious person will we feel truly fulfilled ever (yeah, I'm a pro-blogger, I used bold).
So why am I against happiness and God being intertwined? Because I worry people start blurring the line of what they pursue in my religion. Are we pursuing God and so are happy or are we pursuing God to be happy? Notice the second option shows what you truly pursue is not God but the happiness He provides you. And as I've mentioned earlier, happiness can not be a goal for a stable (and happy) person. As a true theist, I should be willing to pursue God and be miserable than be happy and godless (italics too?! he's going all out on this post...).
And so I listened to the atheists tear down my friends as they talked of how God made them feel. I won't lie, I enjoyed it. Being happy by pursuing God is no form of evidence, some of my friends have been happy to accept God and reject thinking about the implications of that. But the atheists have thought of it. And so I was able to talk to them and explain my religion. It was refreshing to both sides I believe, I liked the challenging questions and they enjoyed me not throwing the F-words out there (faith and feeling).
But this has all been the foundation for what's coming next (doesn't most of our lives feel like that sometimes) in the post. Sure it's cool to have tolerant conversations with atheists but what I really liked was that I think I was affirmed in what I'm to be used for by God ( I believe we all have a purpose, like different parts of the body). In terms of my purpose as a Christian, I believe I would be best used as an apologetic. To destroy the faulty arguments against my religion and reinforce the faith of those less logic based Christians. Because honestly, I think a lot of the Christians went in there thinking "Yeah, God's just going to show up, they'll convert, and we will all rejoice. Yeah!" That's an awful way to view such a situation. It should be seen as the opening act of their salvation, not the whole play... Especially since a lot of the atheists had been brought up Christians and knew the Gospel and Good News and all that. So there was not going to be a "wow" factor unless it was done in reasoning...but maybe that's just me. I don't know.
For better or for worse, I preferred being with the Atheists than being with Christians. Atheists think for the most part on why they believe things. I would prefer someone who had reasonable answers for why they disagreed with me than someone that agreed with me for an awful reason. But either way, love should always be first in our hearts, for love is God. And so if I really am bothered about the foundations of my Christian friends, I should strive to lovingly show them the WHY in our religion.
Well for one, majority of the Christians that attended this event with me were feeling based Christians from what I can gather, the atheists gathered as much. So naturally, they were of no use in a discussion. If anything, they were detrimental because the atheists could continue their stereotyping that Christians used God to feel better about life, or God is merely a psychological/evolutionary development.
Don't get me wrong, a relationship with anyone includes emotions so naturally the most important one in any of our lives will also include emotions. BUT to try to justify your beliefs with a description of feelings and emotions is silly. I'm Christian and I hate when my fellow Christians talk of how God makes them feel. We are His creation, it doesn't matter if we feel like crap as Christians, if it's true then we must pursue God. No matter the cost, even our own happiness. But guess what? God designed us to only be complete and happy in Him. Now does this mean a religious person will always feel fulfilled? Of course not, it means that only through being religious person will we feel truly fulfilled ever (yeah, I'm a pro-blogger, I used bold).
So why am I against happiness and God being intertwined? Because I worry people start blurring the line of what they pursue in my religion. Are we pursuing God and so are happy or are we pursuing God to be happy? Notice the second option shows what you truly pursue is not God but the happiness He provides you. And as I've mentioned earlier, happiness can not be a goal for a stable (and happy) person. As a true theist, I should be willing to pursue God and be miserable than be happy and godless (italics too?! he's going all out on this post...).
And so I listened to the atheists tear down my friends as they talked of how God made them feel. I won't lie, I enjoyed it. Being happy by pursuing God is no form of evidence, some of my friends have been happy to accept God and reject thinking about the implications of that. But the atheists have thought of it. And so I was able to talk to them and explain my religion. It was refreshing to both sides I believe, I liked the challenging questions and they enjoyed me not throwing the F-words out there (faith and feeling).
But this has all been the foundation for what's coming next (doesn't most of our lives feel like that sometimes) in the post. Sure it's cool to have tolerant conversations with atheists but what I really liked was that I think I was affirmed in what I'm to be used for by God ( I believe we all have a purpose, like different parts of the body). In terms of my purpose as a Christian, I believe I would be best used as an apologetic. To destroy the faulty arguments against my religion and reinforce the faith of those less logic based Christians. Because honestly, I think a lot of the Christians went in there thinking "Yeah, God's just going to show up, they'll convert, and we will all rejoice. Yeah!" That's an awful way to view such a situation. It should be seen as the opening act of their salvation, not the whole play... Especially since a lot of the atheists had been brought up Christians and knew the Gospel and Good News and all that. So there was not going to be a "wow" factor unless it was done in reasoning...but maybe that's just me. I don't know.
For better or for worse, I preferred being with the Atheists than being with Christians. Atheists think for the most part on why they believe things. I would prefer someone who had reasonable answers for why they disagreed with me than someone that agreed with me for an awful reason. But either way, love should always be first in our hearts, for love is God. And so if I really am bothered about the foundations of my Christian friends, I should strive to lovingly show them the WHY in our religion.
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