Up in the Air

I'm striving to get employment at a christian camp this summer and have currently been dealing with interviews. I'm not sure I'm the type of christian these people want though. Or maybe more importantly, I'm not sure this organization is the type of christian organization I want to be a part of. I'm worried they are one of those "numbers" camps. What I mean is that most of the campers come, get emotional, and then accept Jesus into their hearts...but then they go home and nothing changes. They don't read the Bible, nor do they get more involved with their church, nor even pray to God more after the first month back from camp. The perfect example of a "mountain top" experience. I don't want that to happen to any campers I take care of. This led to some friction during one interview (I believe).

I'm not going to lie to any kid. Even by omission, I will refrain on important topics. God is one of those topics.

Q: A child wants to accept Jesus into his heart. Give us the step by step process as you help lead him to this goal.

A: ...I don't know. I suppose I would tell him (after who Jesus is to me) that it's not going to be easy at all. At camp, it's cool to be religious but it rarely is outside in the real world. It'll lead a lot of potential friendships and relationships to a less than desirable direction. You will be teased, questioned, and ultimately ridiculed many times in your life for a man you have never even seen with your two eyes. But if you can endure and take the abuse, it's worth every bit and more. Jesus will give you a strength and hope that no woman (for high schoolers), friend, power, or wealth could give you. Your thinking will be cleaner than any of the people around you because your pursuit of God will cleanse your mind. You will be a part of a community that will always be there for you in ways no secular friend group could. And last, you will be able to die in peace and hope loving all of those surrounding you whether friend or foe. But it will cost you everything you have to pursue this man named Jesus and a lot of times you are going to dislike the games He seems to be playing with you. You will cry for Him to reveal Himself to you only to have something coincidental happen that leaves you guessing at if He did it. He will break you in numerous ways you will hate because He will remake you into being whole in a way you could never imagine. Sacrifice is what Jesus was about and so it is what we who follow Him are about. Be willing to pay the cost and you will be saved and fulfilled...(this is a MUCH better way of answering than I did, more poetic if nothing else but I was nervous at the time and didn't really think about it as I have now).

But I'm not sure if that is something they would want to hear. If this camp just wants to say "we brought (insert large #) children to Christ" then I don't think I want to join them. If however they are striving to say "we didn't actually get many people to 'accept Christ' this summer but those who went to our camp left with a yearning for the Lord and the desire to pursue Him through their churches, bibles, and families" then I'm all aboard. But I'm worried about that. I remember last summer listening to some staff members speaking of how some kids in their cabin accepted Christ. Afterwords, I said great (because it really is good if it is genuine) but how many did they convince to read more of their bible, or to get more involved in their church? Some of the staff didn't even address those issues with their children. "What the heck?!" flooded into my mind and I left thinking that I would have to do that every week if I became a staff member. I'm not sure if that's what they want but that's who I am. Looking at the long run is what matters. One of my staff members when I went to camp convinced me to read a chapter of the bible before starting my homework every day and it helped me so much. From that one chapter, I would get a hunger and not start homework until an hour later sometimes, that's what I want for them. I don't want to see anyone come to camp every year and accepting Jesus into their heart every summer. I want a real relationship to happen for them. That's what me loving them would look like. But as I've been writing this, it occurs to me that you are not who I should be telling this to. I need to tell the interviewer this. Whether it hurts or helps me, he should know where I stand when a child comes up to me and asks about accepting Jesus. That's only fair.

We all think it...

Yesterday I watched a movie with some friends called "Beware of Christians" In the movie there were various people interviewed about various topics. The one thing everyone shared in opinion though is "If there is a god, I'm sure He'll let me into heaven (or its equivalent)" It wasn't just the movie though, afterwords I thought on it and I do think most people think this. Hell, even atheists will tell me that they don't believe in God but if He exists and truly is merciful, He'll understand why they have doubts and accept them into heaven...isn't this ridiculous? Even atheists think they'll go to heaven (given that there is a god).

My mind was blown. It does make sense though, who would believe he/she was damned for eternity without God? Or a better question, who would want to believe that? I'm not exempt. I think I'll make the cut. Is that how we all secretly think? "Well, I'm certainly no saint but I'm good enough...yeah, He won't reject me." How pathetic. It's disgusting. Such thinking is not based on any form of reasoning other than "God is love" which if that's all we're going off of then everyone will be in heaven.

So I decided to force myself to acknowledge that I am, not possibly or could but AM, going to hell no matter how great of a person I am. I am destined for hell. Then I tried to stop there and just let it soak in a little. Afterwords, the thought "though God may save me from this if He so chooses" was allowed. This is how I think we should view the situation. We have no claim to heaven. God is not obligated to save us. We can strive to live our lives for Him but that doesn't mean He owes us anything (just as a man that follows the law his entire life doesn't deserve a reward). As creations, we are obligated to follow the ways God wishes us to live our lives. That doesn't mean I do it. After all, that's why I deserve hell. As creations, the will of our creator trumps our own. He gave us life/existence so if He wants us to be firemen but we want to be cops...well then it would be a sin to be a police officer.

Again, I don't claim to live up to the standard of pursuing His will over my own all the time. Ha, or even most of the time...or half of the time. But don't let that reassure you, I've accepted I deserve hell. I'm only trying to do what He wills because it is right, whether I get a reward or not has nothing to do with it. Which makes following Him better I think...not caring if He saves us, just knowing our place.

Lent...it has begun

So for all the non Catholics out there, today is Ash Wednesday and thus the beginning of Lent. I thought a good thing to strive for is a post a day (excluding Sundays) though I'm already thinking of implementing rollover (no posts one day but two another to make it even). Sometimes I think I enjoy a good atheist fling once in a while but afterwords I can't really help but shrug it off. It's not that I find any new proof or something to reel me back in, I just can't take the idea of being an atheist seriously even though I know atheists can be quite serious about their position. God is just real to me even though I can't prove Him. Maybe I just accepted Him to a point that can't actually be challenged. Or I let God be one of the building blocks other things sprung from. Like a premise that you just have to start with to get anywhere (even scientists do it though they base it on empirical data but that doesn't mean much by itself because it assumes we are interpreting our environment correctly using our 5 senses...which is crap). Either way, for better or for worse, I'm going to post something daily...

Honestly

I'm the type of person that usually will not tell anyone what problems are going on with me. However, since this one is specifically religious, I feel it should be in here. I'm not too sure about God...ha, which I guess is no surprise since I started this blog on similar thinking.

The irritating thing though is that it's a logic versus every fiber in my being sort of thing. I can't prove God and I've never had Him "reveal" Himself that I'm aware of so other than there being no legit (in my opinion) explanation for things like how life came into existence, how cells made the transition from asexual to sexual reproduction, or how the universe was able to produce life like us when life is ridiculously high maintenance. I can't really come up with good answers to these questions other than "God" but that answer leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It seems like a cop out even though there's a good chance that is the answer...I don't know.

Maybe the problem I have is religion. I've never had any problem believing in a god. The only way I really start doubting is when dogmas and religions get involved. I'm of the opinion that every single religion is wrong. Not that there isn't truth in the religion, it's just that the religion isn't correct. Jesus? He could be our messiah, but if He wasn't I wouldn't stop believing in a god. Religions all seem to try and contain God in a nice little theological box but He always gets out eventually and the religion dies out (think, there must be thousands of "dead gods" who are no longer worshiped, why?) The closest to a religion I can fully accept is the Roman Catholic Church but I think that's mainly because it allows itself to expand its view once it sees that it was wrong (admittingly though it might take a while but at least it happened). Sure its got bad parts to its history but anything that man touches is going to so all things considering, its history isn't horrible.

I don't know. I can't prove God and yet I am so convicted that He must exist. Why? I hate it. Logic and I are at odds and I can't explain why I'm against it...well to be fair, it seems that we are at odds. Maybe I am just not intelligent enough to understand fully the scope of God, ha, that's a possibility. But here I am believing that something is true but not having anything to really back it up. I hate it but I can't not believe in God. Every time I say to myself "Okay, you may just have to accept that there is no god." something inside of me says "BS, God exists and you know it. A blind man can believe in color just as you can believe in your creator." Ugh...I don't know what's stopping me.

It's not a fear of death. Honestly, I get depressed sometimes when I think that I will exist for an eternity. I would prefer to live this life and then dissipate to have my organic material bring about new life. That would be fine. Like perfect universal equality, no matter if you are rich, poor, white, asian, atheist, rastafarian...it doesn't matter, we all reach the same conclusion through our own paths. To me, a death, a true death is beautiful and bold. Intoxicating really, but I don't believe that's what happens...I'd like to though but it seems less likely to me than a god having me live. But maybe He would give me a choice where I could be destroyed. After all, the creator of the universe should be able to destroy any of it with no problems, right?

Anyway, I'm rambling...but I don't like religion. I don't like any of them. When no one has proof, why must we push our conclusions on each other? I'm Catholic but I will not try to convert anyone because we are all striving for the answer, so I shouldn't be as arrogant as my predecessors and push my beliefs, even if it means my god join the mountain of divine carcasses that no one any longer believes in.

No "King's Speech"

I'm helping to lead another retreat (honestly I don't know why...I don't see how I could help these people with their faith lives when I'm questioning mine more and more) and so I have to give a talk about God. My topic is how I depend on God. This is a mistake, something which I told the leaders. I don't depend on God like other people do. In fact I hate how most people will depend on God:

"Dude, don't you need to study for the exam?"
"Nah, bro. I'm going to church, God's got my back."

This is an awful form of dependence because it is not dependence, it is laziness. But even in topics I can't control I won't trust in God. I ask for Him to intercede but my reasoning is that I'm some punk 20 year old with pathetic problems. There are millions out there starving, thousands getting raped, and billions with bigger issues than me. If God has some bigger plan to help those other billions of people as opposed to just me, I don't blame Him. In fact, I'd expect that from Him. So I'm not planning on any hand outs from the big guy because quite frankly I don't need them. That's not to sound arrogant, that's just realizing how blessed I already am just for my family and country.

So what am I to talk about? My view of God is much more deist than the average Christian (religion of the retreat) so being honest is going to be tough here...

Confusion

I haven't written in a while and I wouldn't be surprised if I continue to have trouble getting back into it. Some of it has to do with studying for school and trying to be social but most of it has to do with me not knowing who I am. I'm sure that sounds quite cliche and some of the more posh readers may roll their eyes but I am actually having trouble with it.

1) Why am I helping to lead a christian retreat when I can't relate to my talk topic at all (it's dependence on God but I have always striven to be strong and not turn to others for help...even God, after all, God gave me these gifts to persevere right?)?

2) Why am I helping to lead an apologetic group when some days I feel much more atheist than christian (though while I don't have a problem believing in a god, I find choosing a particular religion hard to justify)?

3) (ties into 2) Why am I defending the ideals of Christianity in debates with atheists when I'm not even sure if I believe fully in them?

4) Why the hell am I going to try to be a staff member at a christian camp where my theological comments could effect the spiritual lives of many children? Sometimes I just talk trash...

5) Why does everyone around me seem to grow closer to God when I am with them and why do they all see me as a religious man who is devoted to God when I have so many fundamental questions about Him that I'm not sure can ever be answered?

6) Why isn't God revealing Himself to me to clear up the storm in my soul?

7) Why are my lack of answers and multitude of questions not harming my love of God but just thwarting my love of self?

8) Who can be asking the previous 7 questions and still feel confident about their place and relationship with God?

I'm tired and not sure of anything. It sucks. No fancy conclusion, it's almost 3 a.m., that's it.

Losing Faith in Debates...and God

So I haven't written in a while. That's because I've been ridiculously busy with school and religious stuff. My church ambushed me to doing something on Tuesday that takes 3 hours only to have me barely make it to the SSA meeting (atheist group). I'm sure most people that read the last sentence by itself would be quite confused to what the heck I believe in. Well it's a fair question and unfortunately I don't think I can answer based on reason. Which I HATE because I know I hate listening to people who tell me they found God in a dream or they had a hole in their life that He filled. That pisses me off because it tells me more about their psychological state (in thinking that is a good argument), than the essence of God. That being said, I stand up an irritated hypocrite when I say I believe in God. Why? What proof do I have? None. The only consolation I have is that I don't think God can be deductively proved or disproved. Though, I suppose my imaginary friend can't be either...hmm...ANYWAY this was something I thought a lot about today.

But I suppose it would be best just to begin with what I've gone through this week. Monday, I was invited to an apologetic meeting (people trying to defend God using logic) which I enjoyed. Honestly though, I thought it would have people better at debating or at least people who knew a lot about their faith...I was disappointed. So bad for finding peers I can debate but on the bright side, I'm going to be able to help them think. Someone may be thinking "No, you're only helping them debate" but to me a debate doesn't even require a person knowing a lot about the topic. It requires analytical abilities to weigh the other person's argument. These people don't really do that though...so it'll be tough sailing. I'm supposed to argue as an atheist next week which I was pumped for since their side of arguing is fairly simple. But then the guy organizing the thing tells me I need to have weaker arguments so that they gain confidence by beating me. Well I'm not a punching bag so I think I'll go easy on them by not pointing every single thing out but I will constantly put pressure on them until they almost crack. Building their confidence up doesn't mean anything if they use it to find an atheist just to get dominated in a debate. If they break or have serious trouble, it should be against a christian [if I'm accepting God, then I will accept Christianity as the religion I will follow though I think some parts are slightly erroneous (got to start somewhere)].

Then on Tuesday, I hung out with the atheists which was cool. I find it refreshing to listen to people and their beliefs even if it doesn't/ especially if it doesn't agree with my own beliefs. Plus, they were going to talk about how they feel discriminated against and how they were ostracized whenever they stopped being christian (most where raised christian). This group of atheists was very fortunate in that most people just had silly little things that had happened to them while only one or two had to deal with their parents telling them they were going to hell or something of the sort. While I'm happy the discrimination was so minimal, I was kind of disappointed. I wanted to listen to how these people had been hurt so they could at least see one chill christian in the group hanging out with them to show that not all christians fit into a convenient stereotype of ignorant fearers of death. But anyway, I ended up talking to one of them for an hour afterwords. He was one of the more logical atheists (whatever stereotype society gives atheists don't ever think they can be any less blind because of their emotions, they are not calculators but people and at times very emotional and illogical people). We had a healthy conversation though naturally we didn't achieve anything other than learning about how the other views the world. It's tough to convince someone from their view of a huge issue when no evidence can really be used. But that's fine, I honestly don't care if they change their minds over the discussions I have with them. I just want them to have open minds and not to be so intellectually elitist. I think it may be possible that I could argue as a theist at their tuesday night meetings which would be fun to argue one night as an atheist only to turn around the next day and argue as a theist.

So that's all set up for tonight though. Tonight I was at a christian event but my head was kind of swirling with all the debates I had earlier in the week and with all the errors I saw in my arguments that I neglected to tell the person I was against. It wasn't like this last semester, last semester I cared more about truth than winning...didn't I? I don't know, maybe it's because I realized any spiritual truth wasn't going to come from arguing but from living life. So if I'm not getting any truth...I might as well win. But I kept thinking to myself "Why do I still believe in God when I have no proof? I never experienced anything miraculous nor have I felt overwhelmed by the presence of God...so why am I so determined to believe when I have no reason? It doesn't make sense." I actually tried to imagine how a world without god would be like in the philosophical and theological sense but I just couldn't take myself seriously. I couldn't not believe in God. And I had an unspoken reasoning tied in with beauty, value, inherent good, life, and space but it wasn't an argument but more of a feeling that God existed and was entwined with all of these things. A hunch if you will that I could never shake off. Not that I made any conclusions about God. I just realized that even if I have no written down proof for God, my faith in Him is beyond logic or probability. Which irritated me as a thinker and I believe completely discredits me as a debater but I'm happy with it I suppose...