Well school has started up again. I suppose the semester should be fine though I worry about taking 17 hours plus research. Luckily, I'm a genius (it should be said that at my first attempt of spelling it, I misspelled "genius"). Anyway, that doesn't really matter. What's much more interesting is that I am not sure if I should give a talk on a religious retreat. If I write an honest talk, there is no way it will be permitted because I am not feeling faithful to God and I am really apathetic about being so. I am pretending like a champ though, I'm hoping that if I pretend long enough it will become real. I'll lose myself in character and be a good man pursuing God. That would be nice. But still, I have a voice in me that critiques everything faithful that goes through my head, my skepticism may kill my faith at this rate yet I still am apathetic about fixing it. Even as I write this I'm becoming bored about the topic of God and want to go onto facebook or something. That's what I am becoming...how dreadful. O well, I'll go check my email now.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
I won the lottery
No, I'm not going to be rich. But it feels like I have won the lottery in that I've been born in a country where luxury is the norm and most people dream of even the lower class life style in this country. But while we all may say this with pride, we either don't truly keep this in mind or we are immoral. To have power is to have responsibility. It's a directly linear relationship. We should be helping our impoverished brethren but instead we compete with each other for even more wealth. Or even worse than striving for more wealth and power, most of us become sloths and just relish our overabundance. It's shameful but no one is strong enough and also moral enough to stop us. And so we live our lives insulated from others and their cries of woe. We do not treat them as our neighbors, we barely treat them better than enemies. I won the lottery and yet I am overburdened with the task of being just. And so the thought creeps into my head that it would be better to not have power just so that I can sleep better at nights because I realize that I am not strong enough to be as just as my wealth demands and so I wish to forfeit it. I am not worthy because I am not willing.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
God prefers the Gingers: Fact
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, mainly because I don't think anyone reading would care but this summer I'm doing some engineering research. One of my co-researchers is from China and we have fun discussing many things different about our cultures. Another one of my researching buddies is an aggressive christian. Aggressive in that if you don't even believe the same flavor of Christianity, he will humbly show you how you are clearly in the wrong. Poor chinese researcher didn't have a chance. He drew her into a conversation about a god she didn't believe in and asked her what she believed in. Let me just say, telling someone like him something like "I'm not sure yet" is infinitely better than "We are a part of a multiverse that science has proven...well, will prove. We don't need God to exist to explain why we exist." She chose the latter and he had a question or two for her.
Later this week, I was picking her up at where she ate lunch. Since I couldn't park there, I illegally (I hope this doesn't count as evidence...) parked at an episcopal church. As I pointed out that I parked illegally she noticed where I parked and so we ended up talking about episcopals and other christians and which I was. Honestly, I'm not sure I can count as a whole christian because I find myself finding Jesus...well I guess I just can't find where he fits in my theology. I like to think God is too big to be contained within a religion. This is what I answered with: "I was raised (in) and I suppose I follow the Catholic Church. But I like to think that if there is a god, He's much bigger than any religion we could make and so in a way, we are all wrong." She agreed and said she figured as much herself so she might as well be atheist until she finds God...as if He could be figured out, the scientists of this world have looked at too many puzzles and heard too many natural laws, and so we start to think that God must adhere to the laws and He too must be a puzzle. We are all fools regardless of if He is or isn't.
So then we talked of why she would be atheist if she acknowledges there may be something worth being spiritual over while also asking why I would be Catholic full well believing the dogma is incomplete. We seemed to believe very similar things and yet here we were on the opposite sides of the theological spectrum. At one point, we mentioned our environment and how being spiritual doesn't cost me anything while it would cost her a lot in China.
Eventually we turned our talk to why Christianity may be incomplete and where something needed to be added (for you see we too are saints, we are priests, we are the pastors of our own church and so we strove to figure out what was to be preached should anyone come to our pulpit) and we mused on individuality. I pointed out how huge individuality is in Christianity and in fact how that is probably how Christianity gained power. From the Jewish "people" God suddenly changes His care to the individuals. Before He would only have relationships with the leaders of a group, now He wants to have an intimate relationship with each of the sheep in His flock...Such a change no doubt helped Christianity flourish. But that's why I love the Catholic Church over the other Christian denominations. It understands that we are all together. We are together the "Body of Christ," individually we are nothing but pieces of a body. Now that may seem like a downer for some but it's so sensible compared to the alternative I think.
We are all a community. We are one together but separate? Well, man is a social creature and as such it seems even technology is in accord with becoming one body as we all slowly merge our pictures, thoughts, bank accounts, lives online. We are slowly becoming more of a hive mind where leaders are no longer distinguished men but merely the mascots of ideologies that must clash. It does tickle the pride to think that I alone am enough. Enough for what? I don't know but I do know that we were not built to be loners. Tribes, gangs, from these governments led by men, from these governments led by the populace (for better or for worse), we have slowly been merging ourselves and rarely has anyone looked back. Just think, where now could a man go to be free from all forms of government? Where does anarchy reside in this day in age? And remember, anarchy also comes with laws, it's just that individuals instead of groups make them. Is that so horrifying? Hitler led a nation to commit atrocities, what if his law only affected one man, himself? Wouldn't that have been so much better? No, the individual is dying.
So with that in mind. Please let us stop assuming we know what God likes. I'm tired of the red team's fans thinking Red team scores= God's Will while the blue team, much more enlightened, regards the true truth to be Blue Team scores= God's Will. Sometimes I can't help but think God cares nothing for our pathetic squabbles, our different clans, our differences. We are one people, white or black or red or yellow. I'd imagine God cares nothing for such trivial differences as race, nationality, gender, or even hair color.
Well except for the gingers...God's gotta love them, otherwise the rest of us would have wiped them out by now.
Later this week, I was picking her up at where she ate lunch. Since I couldn't park there, I illegally (I hope this doesn't count as evidence...) parked at an episcopal church. As I pointed out that I parked illegally she noticed where I parked and so we ended up talking about episcopals and other christians and which I was. Honestly, I'm not sure I can count as a whole christian because I find myself finding Jesus...well I guess I just can't find where he fits in my theology. I like to think God is too big to be contained within a religion. This is what I answered with: "I was raised (in) and I suppose I follow the Catholic Church. But I like to think that if there is a god, He's much bigger than any religion we could make and so in a way, we are all wrong." She agreed and said she figured as much herself so she might as well be atheist until she finds God...as if He could be figured out, the scientists of this world have looked at too many puzzles and heard too many natural laws, and so we start to think that God must adhere to the laws and He too must be a puzzle. We are all fools regardless of if He is or isn't.
So then we talked of why she would be atheist if she acknowledges there may be something worth being spiritual over while also asking why I would be Catholic full well believing the dogma is incomplete. We seemed to believe very similar things and yet here we were on the opposite sides of the theological spectrum. At one point, we mentioned our environment and how being spiritual doesn't cost me anything while it would cost her a lot in China.
Eventually we turned our talk to why Christianity may be incomplete and where something needed to be added (for you see we too are saints, we are priests, we are the pastors of our own church and so we strove to figure out what was to be preached should anyone come to our pulpit) and we mused on individuality. I pointed out how huge individuality is in Christianity and in fact how that is probably how Christianity gained power. From the Jewish "people" God suddenly changes His care to the individuals. Before He would only have relationships with the leaders of a group, now He wants to have an intimate relationship with each of the sheep in His flock...Such a change no doubt helped Christianity flourish. But that's why I love the Catholic Church over the other Christian denominations. It understands that we are all together. We are together the "Body of Christ," individually we are nothing but pieces of a body. Now that may seem like a downer for some but it's so sensible compared to the alternative I think.
We are all a community. We are one together but separate? Well, man is a social creature and as such it seems even technology is in accord with becoming one body as we all slowly merge our pictures, thoughts, bank accounts, lives online. We are slowly becoming more of a hive mind where leaders are no longer distinguished men but merely the mascots of ideologies that must clash. It does tickle the pride to think that I alone am enough. Enough for what? I don't know but I do know that we were not built to be loners. Tribes, gangs, from these governments led by men, from these governments led by the populace (for better or for worse), we have slowly been merging ourselves and rarely has anyone looked back. Just think, where now could a man go to be free from all forms of government? Where does anarchy reside in this day in age? And remember, anarchy also comes with laws, it's just that individuals instead of groups make them. Is that so horrifying? Hitler led a nation to commit atrocities, what if his law only affected one man, himself? Wouldn't that have been so much better? No, the individual is dying.
So with that in mind. Please let us stop assuming we know what God likes. I'm tired of the red team's fans thinking Red team scores= God's Will while the blue team, much more enlightened, regards the true truth to be Blue Team scores= God's Will. Sometimes I can't help but think God cares nothing for our pathetic squabbles, our different clans, our differences. We are one people, white or black or red or yellow. I'd imagine God cares nothing for such trivial differences as race, nationality, gender, or even hair color.
Well except for the gingers...God's gotta love them, otherwise the rest of us would have wiped them out by now.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So Far Away From Everyone
What is music? So many people seem to use it, others seem to feel it, and still others seem to be immersed in it. Is it poetry with a background noise or a pulse felt through instruments with some paltry words attached to give the rhythm a story to match the emotion? I'm sure most would say it's a mix of the two. A compromise of the two ideals, that's life isn't it?
I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.
Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.
Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.
I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.
If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.
But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?
Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.
I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.
People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...
I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.
Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.
Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.
I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.
If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.
But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?
Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.
I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.
People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"Who?" "Me" "Yeah, who?"
I don't know who I am or who I am going to be. It's irritating because I think I know more about who I am going to be than about who I am this, however, will only breed disappointment for me. Why can't I be the ideal person in my head? A smart, relaxed, person willing to help and love others achieve their goals? Because I am so concerned about my goals? I'll admit it. I'm an idealist and yes I want to change the world. At this point, please proceed to roll your eyes in the upward direction. Done? Well I'm still idealistic. I can't help it. I honestly want to change the world and I actually kind of think it's possible (crazy by my standards of what is a sane goal).
But already I'm trying to get away from the real issue. Did you see that? I almost went into a dream world where I change the world and try to figure out how to reach this world. I already know that though, go to bed. It's time to be real. I'm twenty years old and have tried to plan my life out until my mid thirties (at least). That is probably not good, I am constantly worrying about how to excel that it's occurred to me that I don't even care if I do succeed. I used to dream of changing the world, now I dream of laying on a couch. What kind of sick transition is taking place? I used to enjoy spending a lot of time with friends but now it's stuck to me that some how I am on a mission and they are inefficient and would only slow me down...ugh, what kind of dick am I becoming? I used to enjoy working out and bettering my body, now I only think about the wastes and constraints my body puts on me. And constantly, I am wondering about if breeding is really as important as society tells me it is. Being close to someone, I get that. Most people don't want to be alone and yet I find myself free in solitude. I can be me and not have to calculate the best ways to present myself or the best ways to get what I want from people. I can just be innocent when I am left alone. I used to think I knew who I was and who I was going to be. Now all I know is that I am me and that I probably need to sleep more.
But already I'm trying to get away from the real issue. Did you see that? I almost went into a dream world where I change the world and try to figure out how to reach this world. I already know that though, go to bed. It's time to be real. I'm twenty years old and have tried to plan my life out until my mid thirties (at least). That is probably not good, I am constantly worrying about how to excel that it's occurred to me that I don't even care if I do succeed. I used to dream of changing the world, now I dream of laying on a couch. What kind of sick transition is taking place? I used to enjoy spending a lot of time with friends but now it's stuck to me that some how I am on a mission and they are inefficient and would only slow me down...ugh, what kind of dick am I becoming? I used to enjoy working out and bettering my body, now I only think about the wastes and constraints my body puts on me. And constantly, I am wondering about if breeding is really as important as society tells me it is. Being close to someone, I get that. Most people don't want to be alone and yet I find myself free in solitude. I can be me and not have to calculate the best ways to present myself or the best ways to get what I want from people. I can just be innocent when I am left alone. I used to think I knew who I was and who I was going to be. Now all I know is that I am me and that I probably need to sleep more.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Beams aren't the only things experiencing stress
I need to try to go into seclusion somewhere or something. For some reason, everyone expects something from me right now. I just want to collapse. I want to cut myself so I can show others that I bleed. It's probably my fault for being too ashamed of my weaknesses to show them to others but damn it, this is getting to be too much. What happened to the days when I'd offer crap like this up to God and acknowledge my weakness to Him? Somehow, it was refreshing...
Nowadays though, I can list my faults but all I hear is my own conviction telling me to be stronger, to not bother God. This must be sinful isn't it? To not share everything with my God? Especially my pain. If my beliefs are right, He even came down here to share in our pain and take it from us so we could be with Him more fully. So why am I unable to share it with Him?
As any reader may be thinking, yes I too believe it is my pride. My heart is dying but my brain is trying to wave off God saying "No problems here chief. You really should go see those other people, they are lost without you. They need you." Pride. I don't want charity from anyone. Even God Himself. I want to show that I can stand by myself, I don't need anyone to prop me up, I don't need His pity, just His salvation...from myself...hmm. Seems like I'm against the main points of Christianity. "We need Him, He came here to save us from our own sin" yada, yada, yada. I want to love Him and be loved by Him. But without Him saving me, I don't want a savior, I want a loving God. Someone I can walk with and talk to. Who I can admire as I walk through nature. Not someone I can hold myself up to as a measuring stick to see my own mediocrity. I know I'm flawed, but that doesn't mean I want a god whose main purpose is saving myself from my flaws.
Why is freedom so controversial? I just want to love God and come and go from His table as I please. Realizing I can't always be there, why do we have this restlessness in us that leads us to forsake our own God for the freedom to make atrocious decisions? I don't make sense. Why instead can't there be this great passiveness in me that just desires to submit my will to God? None of what's inside of me reflects the creation of something that a good god would make. Has the world corrupted me this much? Ugh...these people can ask things of me but they better be cautious. I'm trying to be loving and patient with them but now I'm about as likely to argue and yell at them just to release some of this frustration...but that's not good. I just need to run it off. That could do it. Ha, I'll do anything before I turn to God it seems...how sad.
Nowadays though, I can list my faults but all I hear is my own conviction telling me to be stronger, to not bother God. This must be sinful isn't it? To not share everything with my God? Especially my pain. If my beliefs are right, He even came down here to share in our pain and take it from us so we could be with Him more fully. So why am I unable to share it with Him?
As any reader may be thinking, yes I too believe it is my pride. My heart is dying but my brain is trying to wave off God saying "No problems here chief. You really should go see those other people, they are lost without you. They need you." Pride. I don't want charity from anyone. Even God Himself. I want to show that I can stand by myself, I don't need anyone to prop me up, I don't need His pity, just His salvation...from myself...hmm. Seems like I'm against the main points of Christianity. "We need Him, He came here to save us from our own sin" yada, yada, yada. I want to love Him and be loved by Him. But without Him saving me, I don't want a savior, I want a loving God. Someone I can walk with and talk to. Who I can admire as I walk through nature. Not someone I can hold myself up to as a measuring stick to see my own mediocrity. I know I'm flawed, but that doesn't mean I want a god whose main purpose is saving myself from my flaws.
Why is freedom so controversial? I just want to love God and come and go from His table as I please. Realizing I can't always be there, why do we have this restlessness in us that leads us to forsake our own God for the freedom to make atrocious decisions? I don't make sense. Why instead can't there be this great passiveness in me that just desires to submit my will to God? None of what's inside of me reflects the creation of something that a good god would make. Has the world corrupted me this much? Ugh...these people can ask things of me but they better be cautious. I'm trying to be loving and patient with them but now I'm about as likely to argue and yell at them just to release some of this frustration...but that's not good. I just need to run it off. That could do it. Ha, I'll do anything before I turn to God it seems...how sad.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Blood Guilt
"Coursing through life, knowing I have nothing to complain of.
But that doesn't free me from this hell, from the world that can't get enough. (my attempt at poetry)"
But I'm much better at typing out my thoughts. Speaking with a friend today, I couldn't even complain as he spoke of those that would love to have my problems. I realize I'm spoiled. Yes, I am from America. Yes, my country sucks up resources like that's its job. Yes, we are the root of any and every problem in the world...blah, blah, blah. I get it. But I think something a lot of people don't understand is that their country isn't any different. It's easy to complain of the injustices in life when you're weak. But when you're the strong, you can't and so must look at the truth and the truth is this. Everyone hates us and yet few of them realize we are the same as them. We are not bastards that enjoy hurting others. We love our friends and family like others but guess what, most of those people are in this country. Why should we do what is right when other countries only try to get ahead. Sure when you are weak it's easy to point out the faults of the strong but the fact is that the weak would do the same thing once strong. "Power corrupts" yeah? This isn't a justification. This is to open the eyes of the envious.
I should say to begin with, I hate my country. I do, honestly. I think we need to bleed, to remember we are human. Even our military is starting to forget that as we use drones to fight for us. We are desynthesized to ourselves. We know not what our body does as our eyes are glued to the TV. But that's the pathetic dream of countries, isn't it?
"One day, our people won't be forced to starve. No, no longer will we allow even our homeless to thirst. And for those who are willing to, well they will work. And no longer will we be limited in what goods will be made available to us. And our people will never be found wanting as we will make our country rich and our people educated."
It doesn't sound so bad when you write it out, just when you put it into practice. The fact is that when there are multiple countries striving for such a goal, there will be losers and for the most part, America has been a winner. But it is only when a man loses his dream that he sees the pointless of it. Well we haven't lost it yet. The worst thing happened to us, we are living the American Dream. And as we do, divorce rates rise, depression is running rampant, and the only way we know how to fix it is to work harder and buy more stuff. This is our hell. Africans thirst for water, we thirst for true life. Many would say "why won't you just help other countries or at least stop taking advantage of them" but that's how we were raised. Morality can't be in business, dirties the water too much. In business, you get the most you can while giving the least for the longest time line applicable to the situation. That is our code of honor and any other code can go fuck itself. This is America, and we are businessmen. Don't forget it, we will slit your throat before we will tell our children they can't buy the toy the neighbor got.
Pity us before you hate us. And I hope God can forgive me for living here but how can we escape? Is even moral to run from such a horrid country? What if I'm supposed to change it, save it? Not just me, but with others maybe I should try to save it. Damn, why do the other countries allow us to do this? If everyone constrained trade with us, if they just fought back the evils of our country instead of just bitching. O God we need something from the outside to save us, we need our tvs to show us the world we are shaping and the consequences of our actions...not Seinfeld.
But we aren't the only problem. our brothers from other countries profit from our addictions, that's why none of you will open our country's eyes isn't it? Yes you hate us, you critique us and yet if we changed and lived within our means the rest of the world would be screwed. We are the consumer and everyone is our producer. We are the only way everyone's economies can still grow. And so you sell us our sins and hate our guts. Like a moral slave trader: "I'm not the one enslaving them, I hate it. I'm just profiting from it. After all, someone's got to do it, right? I can't change it so I might as well fund my moral life with this blood money" That's what it is. "O those Americans are buying too much, they are raising the prices of food around the world causing starvation. Bastards!" And yet how hard would it be for the producers to just refuse us and sell food to the hungry at a lower price? O shit, yeah that's right. We aren't the only sinners here. And suddenly it seems all countries have had their hands bloodied by this "starvation" affair. Don't blame us only. We are all to blame, the world. We shouldn't buy and others shouldn't sell to us. But everyone's greed causes this disgusting world to continue the way it does. Everyone has blood on their hands. We just accept ours. God forgive us, sometimes we embrace it.
But that doesn't free me from this hell, from the world that can't get enough. (my attempt at poetry)"
But I'm much better at typing out my thoughts. Speaking with a friend today, I couldn't even complain as he spoke of those that would love to have my problems. I realize I'm spoiled. Yes, I am from America. Yes, my country sucks up resources like that's its job. Yes, we are the root of any and every problem in the world...blah, blah, blah. I get it. But I think something a lot of people don't understand is that their country isn't any different. It's easy to complain of the injustices in life when you're weak. But when you're the strong, you can't and so must look at the truth and the truth is this. Everyone hates us and yet few of them realize we are the same as them. We are not bastards that enjoy hurting others. We love our friends and family like others but guess what, most of those people are in this country. Why should we do what is right when other countries only try to get ahead. Sure when you are weak it's easy to point out the faults of the strong but the fact is that the weak would do the same thing once strong. "Power corrupts" yeah? This isn't a justification. This is to open the eyes of the envious.
I should say to begin with, I hate my country. I do, honestly. I think we need to bleed, to remember we are human. Even our military is starting to forget that as we use drones to fight for us. We are desynthesized to ourselves. We know not what our body does as our eyes are glued to the TV. But that's the pathetic dream of countries, isn't it?
"One day, our people won't be forced to starve. No, no longer will we allow even our homeless to thirst. And for those who are willing to, well they will work. And no longer will we be limited in what goods will be made available to us. And our people will never be found wanting as we will make our country rich and our people educated."
It doesn't sound so bad when you write it out, just when you put it into practice. The fact is that when there are multiple countries striving for such a goal, there will be losers and for the most part, America has been a winner. But it is only when a man loses his dream that he sees the pointless of it. Well we haven't lost it yet. The worst thing happened to us, we are living the American Dream. And as we do, divorce rates rise, depression is running rampant, and the only way we know how to fix it is to work harder and buy more stuff. This is our hell. Africans thirst for water, we thirst for true life. Many would say "why won't you just help other countries or at least stop taking advantage of them" but that's how we were raised. Morality can't be in business, dirties the water too much. In business, you get the most you can while giving the least for the longest time line applicable to the situation. That is our code of honor and any other code can go fuck itself. This is America, and we are businessmen. Don't forget it, we will slit your throat before we will tell our children they can't buy the toy the neighbor got.
Pity us before you hate us. And I hope God can forgive me for living here but how can we escape? Is even moral to run from such a horrid country? What if I'm supposed to change it, save it? Not just me, but with others maybe I should try to save it. Damn, why do the other countries allow us to do this? If everyone constrained trade with us, if they just fought back the evils of our country instead of just bitching. O God we need something from the outside to save us, we need our tvs to show us the world we are shaping and the consequences of our actions...not Seinfeld.
But we aren't the only problem. our brothers from other countries profit from our addictions, that's why none of you will open our country's eyes isn't it? Yes you hate us, you critique us and yet if we changed and lived within our means the rest of the world would be screwed. We are the consumer and everyone is our producer. We are the only way everyone's economies can still grow. And so you sell us our sins and hate our guts. Like a moral slave trader: "I'm not the one enslaving them, I hate it. I'm just profiting from it. After all, someone's got to do it, right? I can't change it so I might as well fund my moral life with this blood money" That's what it is. "O those Americans are buying too much, they are raising the prices of food around the world causing starvation. Bastards!" And yet how hard would it be for the producers to just refuse us and sell food to the hungry at a lower price? O shit, yeah that's right. We aren't the only sinners here. And suddenly it seems all countries have had their hands bloodied by this "starvation" affair. Don't blame us only. We are all to blame, the world. We shouldn't buy and others shouldn't sell to us. But everyone's greed causes this disgusting world to continue the way it does. Everyone has blood on their hands. We just accept ours. God forgive us, sometimes we embrace it.
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