My Unhealthy Passion

I want the world to work well. Not perfectly, I can't expect such things, but I do want it to work well. It won't do so on its own so I will have to force it to change. To do that, I need power. Lots of power. Shamelessness will be key. And so I am still trying to figure out the best course of action. Should I be a politician and strive to control the government? Should I be a powerful business man and sway the market to account for mercy and love through creating one of the most effective brands for products based on how it is made? Or should I be a priest and purify the Church and strengthen its relationships with other religions and thus spread tolerance through religion? I'm not sure what I can or should do but I need to change the world, this place is falling apart and we are all watching it from our tv sets.

How should I proceed to the top and why must I be at the top of the institution I pick? I heard a simple military concept that I liked a few days ago. It went basically like this: "We humans are weak and can't do much. But we can strive to take care of ourselves and those under our command. That's the least we can do. So if we want to help everyone, climb the ladder." Now don't think I actually think I will reach this goal. I will set it this high but the truth is that I really would have serious issues to climb high based on where I was born. I'm an American so the Church would never have me as a pope unless I was ridiculously great (which is doubtful). I'm a South Carolinian and our political power is quite limited. And I am financially conservative and business leaders are usually risk takers. I highly doubt I will reach this dream of mine. But it's a dream so I will strive for it.

This is my passion, this is my dream and this is a curse. Most people dream of a nice life of luxury, or a good family life, or possibly even to be famous. I dream to conquer my rivals who want the same power I desire and to crush the sins and inequity of men. But that's not going to happen because I am sinful. Even Jesus died before he made it big. Before death he was just some healer guy, after death he was the messiah of the world. Wouldn't it be grand if our deaths could give such joy? I doubt even Hitler's brought as much happiness as Christ's death. It's impossible to achieve my dream but it will be a fun challenge to try to reach it.

Rightous Flesh

So I was thinking about the body and the soul yesterday. Mainly I was wondering about the flesh that we have and angels supposedly don't have. God created the angels first so that means He didn't give His creation flesh but on round two He thought it would be better to have flesh with the creation...why? Usually we see it as something that slows us down religiously and something that corrupts us. Yet He deemed it good. Why? Again, what the heck was this infinitely god thinking? I don't know. But if I had to guess I would look to why some angels fell. Pride, complete and perfected pride.

Ecuador

     Currently I am in Ecuador. I haven't spoken spanish or taken a class in 5 years. This is an intense crash course. But it's so much more than that. The people here in Quito don't smile. I think I've seen three...maybe four strangers smile in the 8 days I've been here. That strikes me as a sad stat. Also, the place claims to be 95% Catholic but only about 20% of those 95% practice the faith by something as simple as going to church on Sunday. Ha, I went to confession here. That was interesting. Luckily the priest knew a little english because if he didn't I would have been in trouble.

     Here, away from my life in America...well God seems to be more present. I'm not sure if it's just me being away from all the things I know so I turn to one of my remaining foundations that much more, or if it's that Ecuador has religious things everywhere, or if it's merely the lack of distractions.

     My fellow students are great. Sure there are a few I would prefer to not spend much time with but even those people are fairly nice and we just don't mesh well. But I'm hitting a problem. I'm not dating anyone yet I feel odd saying I'm single. I mean, I definitely am single. I'm not taken by anyone...yet I feel taken. It's an odd feeling and it makes me feel like I'm betraying someone every time I smile or dance with a pretty girl in our group. Constantly I'm reminding myself that we are not dating and that I am not accounted for but I still feel horrible that I find myself caring a lot about a fellow traveler when in a way, I feel like I have no right to. But it's probably infatuation though she does have a couple traits that I hold highly. Back in the states, I suppose I need to figure this all out...

      One last comment: don't take a waitresses suggestion without looking at the price of the item. I got a Guinness assuming it couldn't be more than $5 and the security of a drink I've had before was worth it. It was $14. Yep, and since in Ecuador we are advise not to carry much cash I had to turn to my friends to pay for me. It was embarrassing to say the least.

More than a Feeling

Recently with my spiritual life...well it's odd to write down into words as opposed to the overall impression I get. But basically, it's been ups and downs as usual. Only there are more ups than downs, so that's good. Sometimes I get frustrated by how little I think of God throughout the day. Logically, it seems like I should always be thinking about Him since pursuing God is the only way any of my actions have value...but I don't think about the guy too much.

It seems like given clear moral choices, I usually pick the right action but whenever there is no "sin" option I really just coast. For example, today I ate lunch by myself at a college food court. It was a long day and honestly, not talking to anyone struck me as great since I usually like to be by myself sometimes whenever I'm tired. And there over yonder I saw someone eating their lunch who didn't look particularly happy. That's when I asked myself if I should just sit and eat with them while engaging in a silly discussion to make them feel better. My overall answer to the question was "meh" I feel like this is how I respond a lot of the time to going the extra mile. If I'm not sinning, unfortunately right now that's "good enough" but really it's not. There is no "good enough" because if there is anything better I should strive for it, right? But again, there's what I "know" and there's what I truly understand. But overall, I really am making progress in being a better Christian I believe.

O, I'm going to start looking more into Islam. At the moment, I'm certainly not expecting to be converted or anything but it is an Abrahamic religion and seems to be gaining a lot of influence in the world. Shouldn't I learn more about it, if nothing else, to understand other people better? I think so but a lot of my Christian friends don't understand the whole "learning about another religion" thing. They seem skeptical like I'm going to change religions just because I hear about another faith...honestly, it seems silly. But I suppose they have their reasons. I just wish they'd explain their worries, because it strikes me as ridiculously intolerant and ignorant to not even look at the beliefs of others. But I suppose that's just me.

Where I'm at

So for a while I haven't posted anything but short stories. Not that I think any of my 6 or 7 followers mind but I figured I'll go back to the original intent of this blog this post. My relationship with God is much different than what it was a couple years ago when I started this blog. Not because I feel like I know Him better but mainly because I feel like something has been lost along the way. I'm still Christian but it seems like sometimes its a name and while I know that is not a good thing and I should strive to get closer to God...apathy seems to be infiltrating this part of my life.

"if you want to know where your heart is look where your mind goes when it wanders..."

Right now I think my mind wanders to many things but not to God. I'm not sure how to manually override my heart and to force myself to think about God without it being...well, forced...Just to give an example, I was walking today and thought of something sweet I could do for this girl I'm attracted to. Now, there's nothing wrong with thinking of something to make someone happy but I do wonder about myself when it'll be halfway through the day and I realize I just thought about God for the first time that day. I'm a work in progress and I hope the progress is good.

Another Short Story

The Importance of Being Frank

Frank has always been a reserved person. If you were to ask his parents about why he always keeps to himself they would probably just shrug and say he was always that way. But that’s because they never talked to him. Frank used to be open and laugh instead of smirk. But nothing gold can stay. However, this message is too premature. No one can truly understand it as Frank does until his story is told. So let’s start where it began, when Frank was still a boy. Yes, back to that time when boys aren’t ashamed to tell their fathers they love him.

Today is such a beautiful day. I wonder what Miss Wylie will teach us in English class today. I hope we read more about that Frosty guy.

Frank used to walk to school from home…then he took the bus though his parents never understood why he’d deal with the bullies on the bus. Despite their best efforts, Frank’s parents had been forced to raise him in the city mainly because they couldn’t afford the suburbs. Not that they were particularly present in his upraising, but they tried. Frank, however, would never realize his parents were absent in his childhood. You can’t know how to miss a mom or dad unless you’ve ever had them. But such thoughts are pointless. What if’s, if only’s, these phrases are only dreams, but worse than dreams because they’re about the past and offer no light to the future. For years after today, Frank would live in a world of these sorts of dreams until he finally accepted that there is only one past and only one future and a man just has to make his own path and never look back.

Nowadays, Frank works from home. He was never able to escape the city. Despite his desire to be by himself Frank was able to meet a beautiful woman, Audrey, at a church retreat and slowly the two realized they were of the same soul. Once the honeymoon was over Audrey joined the police academy and was out on the streets in no time. Oddly, Frank didn’t mind that she was on the streets fighting crime. After all, she had a brute of a fellow officer and in a few years she’d be a paper pusher. As for Frank, he stuck to computer programming and usually had ivory skin to show his dedication to his work. Audrey would have made a point for him to get out of the apartment more but honestly it was much easier to have him at home since their son Zacchaeus was born. Frank was always able to walk him to the bus stop and walk him home. Frank was able to be the father he had never experienced and it felt good. Zacchaeus was going to be a great young man. He was growing more handsome as the years went by and he was much more active than his father. Zacchaeus even joined the school football team, something his father never had the confidence to do.

Going to school, Frank had always stuck to the same old route day after day and week after week. So today as he walked to school, listening to the birds chirp, it occurred to him that it would be faster to go through the alleys to get to school. In fact, he didn’t understand why it had taken him this long to realize this fact. But still the alleys were dark and it seemed like there was an odd homeless person lying in the alley floor.

Pull yourself together. This will be an adventure. Ha, I’ll take the road less travelled. Who knows? Maybe it’ll make all the difference. I can talk about it with Miss Wylie, she’d like me living out the poems.

And so Frank chose to go into the alleys. And as he left the main side walk and started to go further from the light, Frank felt eyes on him. As he continued Frank saw the homeless man with more detail. Had he been more worldly, Frank would have recognized the stench of stale alcohol and had Frank been more perceptive, he would have recognized the sight of a man who has given up on himself. Now Frank had always been taught to stay away from strangers but when this man called for Frank to come over and help him up…well what’s the harm in helping another person.

I took the road less travelled and that has made all the difference…how many people would help this man?

It didn’t take long for Frank to grasp the man’s true intention. Screaming wasn’t an option, the homeless man was homeless, not stupid, and so Frank’s mouth had quickly been sealed with ducktape. The next ten to fifteen minutes are ones that Frank would spend the next ten to fifteen years trying to suppress and forget as the homeless man took him into a house of cardboard whispering all the time that it would be over sooner if Frank would just keep still. Unfortunately for him, Frank had an excellent memory.

Once Frank was sexually assaulted to the man’s contentment, the homeless man became angry and told Frank that it was his fault for going into that alley in the morning and that everyone knew no one should go there in the mornings. The man told Frank how much trouble he was in but agreed to not tell Frank’s parents, and he suggested Frank not tell anyone either. In fact, it would be better to never utter a word about the incident since it would get Frank in big trouble and then his parents would be disappointed in him. Frank was too shaken up to argue and agreed that he never wanted to talk about what happened with anyone. Then the man told him to go to school and to not cry. The man’s last words echoed in Frank’s head as he ran to school: Make sure to hurry to school. And for godsake don’t cry. You’re a man now. Men don’t cry. Why aren’t the birds singing anymore?

Frank was a few minutes late to his English class but Miss Wylie didn’t ask him why he was late. He must have woken up a little late. And so she continued their education on Robert Frost poems. The poem she shared with them today was “Nothing Gold can Stay”:

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Once she had finished reading the poem the students were all confused and no one knew how to interpret it. No one but Frank, only moments ago had Eden escaped him and he was stuck with the stain of original sin and a dull ache in his body. And so while all the other boys and girls were trying to figure out how gold couldn’t stay where it was, Frank said he had to go to the bathroom where he proceeded to stay for the rest of class crying. That was the last time he cried.

That day was a long time ago and Frank had grown into a man without ever talking about what had happened to him. Even Audrey didn’t know. But Frank no longer saw it as a rape of sorts. Now he saw it as more of a ceremony. His father never told Frank when he’d be a man but the homeless man told him he was after the deed was done. It was his induction ceremony into manhood.

Then one day, when Zacchaeus was in the seventh grade he came home crying saying his football coach took advantage of him after the other kids had left practice. Now it was Zacchaeus’ turn to notice that the melody of the birds was nowhere to be heard. Frank held Zacchaeus and Zacchaeus proceeded to cry for another half an hour in Frank’s arms. Split between what to tell his son, Frank decided to just say both of the things he was thinking. Looking at the clock, it would be hours until Audrey came home. And so Frank pulled his son from his chest and told him the two facts he had learned from his own experience.

“Son, you are a man now. Men don’t cry. So get cleaned up before your mom comes home. We aren’t to speak about this with her, do you understand? She wouldn’t understand. It may not make any sense to you but your coach has done something important for you today. So make sure not to betray him.”

Then Zacchaeus proceeded to cry even more and asked why he couldn’t tell on the coach. Why couldn’t Mom know?

And so Frank told him the second fact he had learned. But even he choked up a little as he told his son:

“Because Zach, it wouldn’t make a difference. It would only hurt her. But now you know…the truth…nothing gold can stay.”

On the rare occasions Zach and Frank would hear the birds sing a song, they couldn’t help but notice it sounded more like a dirge.

*Author’s Note: Zacchaeus means “clean”, “pure”

Valentine's Day

As a single person, today was still nice. I say this because I'm a little worried some of my friends (mostly girls) see being single (especially on Valentine's Day) as a bad thing. True, they are not dating their future husbands when they are not dating. But they aren't wasting their time on someone either. Maybe that's an oddity only a few people (myself included) have. I have to be able to see a potential relationship having a future before I enter it. Am I attracted to a lot of women at my college? Sure I go to a place where they basically frolic in 4 inch shorts in the winter. That's going to get any guy's attention (though such attention is not necessarily good after all one must think of what fish such bait will reel in). However, I rarely ask women out. Basically because I can't be with a lot of things...it's really odd. I never think about how "picky" I am until I start thinking about what I like in a woman. Don't worry such a list isn't about to develop, instead I'll just focus on a characteristic that I'm constantly attracted to though most of my friends are not. Confidence. Not in the "self employed" type way though that is cool. I mean the "I'll call you out in front of a group of people and won't back down from what I think is right" kind of confidence. Maybe a better word for part of it may be "conviction" There really isn't much of that in the world anymore. At least, I rarely see it. But when I do, like a moth to a flame...

Today, I watched "Law Abiding Citizen" with my roommates. Once we finished one of the roommates declared that the main character was a psycho since he killed a lot of people to "fix the system" and that as such, he was a horrible person...it was odd to see no one defend such a character in a way. Sure he killed but he was principled. I think that's what pushed my roommate from him (after all, over half the tv shows out there have main characters that kill for multiple reasons but we don't think all of them are evil do we?), the character was too extreme and was willing to risk too much to live for an ideal he had. Such conviction must be lunacy. I wish I could be so devoted to something, or someone. I would like to live such a way for God but saying "I would like to..." doesn't = "I will..." An ideal would be for people to see me as crazy for valuing something over my life. The approval of man almost guarantees the disapproval of God I'd think. After all, how convicted can a man with no enemies be?