On Thursday I visited a jail to go to mass with them (fun fact, apparently "jail" and "prison" are different). It was the first time I've ever been to a jail and it was a dash intimidating. The gated road and entering into a fenced in plot of land only to be told to leave everything valuable I had in the car. But by now I was invested so I shrugged any misgivings about the situation off. The pastor who I contacted to come to the jail met me inside the joint. He was missing multiple teeth, obese, and struck me as not the sharpest tool in the shed. But those are the only bad things I could say about him. He was passionate about loving these men, these brothers of ours. Also he was quite the jolly man constantly nudging anyone within elbowing distance as he'd joke around. I liked him right off the moment he started talking. There were many other pastors there and they all kindly greeted me though I won't pretend that I didn't feel a little isolated in that I was the only one of us under 40. As we waited for the inmates to come I couldn't help but notice the chapel was freezing.
Then the prisoners came in all at once. I was told to greet them at the door so I just shook their hands and told them hello and welcome. It was odd seeing so many man gladly shaking hands with some pastors and telling them thank you. And there was this awkward moment when I called this older gentleman "sir" at the same time he called me "sir" and I had no way of recovering other than just smiling (what I thought was meekly) and then shook the next person's hand. Finally everyone was inside and mass was about to begin. I ended up just taking a seat in the back row and sat next to no one...honestly, I wasn't sure how to proceed since I was told to pray for them but don't personally get to know any of the inmates. Then we sang some songs together and and the sermon began...
This sermon was like nothing I'd ever heard from a priest. This man was on fire and eccentric. He was extremely aggressive towards his congregation too. As he started preaching to us about how we should thank God for our lives and our three meals a day (even if they were taken in a jail), he started getting into a beat. I have never seen anyone do this before. "Jesus is the Lord, hut! And he loves you, hut! And he wants good things for you, hut!" he'd rant while hitting his fist on the podium at the "hut" part. He established a rhythm of sorts doing this and would leave the rhythm to talk about something profound but whenever he wanted to hit home simple direct messages he'd start the "hut!"s back up again. Also, to my astonishment, he would ask certain inmates questions and stop until they answered. With one guy, he was maybe half a foot from the prisoner's face when he asked the question and waited for a response. I was beginning to see why a decent portion of the congregation stayed in the back rows. It was also odd that the other pastors were encouraging the speaker and egging him on into telling everyone the good news. If the speaker paused for dramatic effect the others would chime in "Come on! Come on!" or with a "Give it to me!" to where after the service I felt quite unsettled and realized that there hadn't been a minute of silence during this guy's 75 minute speech. When he was quiet or drinking water or breathing for that manner, the other pastors were begging him for more...at first. Half way in though the prisoners started doing the same thing. Some of them were really getting into the guys message and were exclaiming "Amen!" or "Preach it!" or a good ole "Yeah, yeah!" The room was full of this energy and a lot of the men were getting quite pumped hearing about how they need only accept Christ to be saved. It occurred to me that these men actually are putting stock in what the preacher is saying. His words mean something to them, they aren't just going through some motion but are wildly abandoning civility to exclaim their passionate acceptance to the good news they are being presented with. That night a man accepted Christ. I take pains to say "man" instead of "inmate" because in such moments I do not believe social stand matters at all. I say "man" before any other description of him because in such a moment all the labels we have pass away and we are left with a creation accepting and needing his creator.
Afterwards, we sang some more and as our brothers in orange started to leave we stood at the door again to thank them for coming and to shake their hands. A lot of the hands I shook were sweaty which I thought was quite gross. Then however, I was shocked to realize that this room was still freezing in spite of all the men in it. The hands were sweating from clenching and excitement, not merely from a high temperature. I thanked the pastors for having me and left promising to come back this Thursday.
While interesting, I'm not sure how I feel about their ministry. They are getting these men riled up by asking tough questions six inches from their faces and not allowing the men a second of silence so as to fill their heads with only the words of the pastors. And yet it was powerful. It did move these men, some to tears, who otherwise could be stone to the message of God. The way they did things was different from what I'm used to so I immediately started thinking of why it was wrong and the way of preaching I know was right. But I can't help but think it is good and so are the men leading it.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
The Call
Have you ever known just how ridiculously inadequate you were and laughed? It's happened to me before but right now I'm not laughing. To live by a law is to die by it but it's not standards I'm talking about. It's drive, passion, integrity. I'm 22 now in Clemson working on a doctorate. Constantly I'm surprised by people and how small we think. My friends always joke that I'm emotionless and never get upset or anything. But that's just trash. The strongest currents flow deep in the sea and barely cause a ripple on the surface. Or at least that's my feeling on it.
Have you ever broken out of your frame of mind, looked at your life and couldn't stop laughing? Maybe you need help understanding the question. Have you ever stopped thinking about all the crap you stress over that don't matter (careers, hobbies, romantic interests, education) and just looked at how easy yet perplexing it is just to live a good life? I get so caught up in my own dream of what will happen. I was taught multiple foundations morality may be built from yet if we have the drive all the scraps of paper to explain what's right and why it is burn in our passion to love someone else.
Everyone I may feed or shelter will die. Everyone I right or wrong dies. In the long run then, do my actions matter? Nope, I'm a fleck of dust that is helping another fleck of dust move out of its apartment. I threw a jacket over living clay before it decayed back into the inanimate. The why is so much more important than the what.
I want to love. That's an odd comment, isn't it? "Just do it." Comes to mind but we can't, can we? In our frames we have made it impossible to love without going through some arbitrary hoops. "I can't invite that person to this until I know them better." "I just met her, hugging would be awkward." We have built barriers that have no purpose but to insulate us from each other. In the US we have this inclination that a house is better than an apartment because you have much more room, you're insulated. I for one wish to always live in some sort of community. Growing up, it was awkward talking to the neighbors because we never really talked before. Really they are just strangers that happened to be geographically closer to us than most strangers. Then I went to college and I saw a family created in the dorm I lived in. To be sure the family was dysfunctional but it was a family. There weren't any strangers except those that made a point of being insulated. It was much easier to live out The Way when you saw everyone around you as family. Then I moved into an apartment and I barely talked to our neighbors. Then I moved into a house with some friends and we never talked to the neighbors. We were "moving up" in the world. We were living in a house, heck yeah! But it was so lonely. In the apartments only walls separated us from everyone else, now walls and the elements separated us. The next year I moved back into an apartment, it's great.
God give me strength and wisdom. Grant me passion more than anything though. Grant me the desire to do your will, to love. Because even if it's hard to carry out, I know it'll complete me. This is what we were created for. Not to build empires from the ashes of the kingdoms of old, but to embrace and love those who got burnt.
Have you ever broken out of your frame of mind, looked at your life and couldn't stop laughing? Maybe you need help understanding the question. Have you ever stopped thinking about all the crap you stress over that don't matter (careers, hobbies, romantic interests, education) and just looked at how easy yet perplexing it is just to live a good life? I get so caught up in my own dream of what will happen. I was taught multiple foundations morality may be built from yet if we have the drive all the scraps of paper to explain what's right and why it is burn in our passion to love someone else.
Everyone I may feed or shelter will die. Everyone I right or wrong dies. In the long run then, do my actions matter? Nope, I'm a fleck of dust that is helping another fleck of dust move out of its apartment. I threw a jacket over living clay before it decayed back into the inanimate. The why is so much more important than the what.
I want to love. That's an odd comment, isn't it? "Just do it." Comes to mind but we can't, can we? In our frames we have made it impossible to love without going through some arbitrary hoops. "I can't invite that person to this until I know them better." "I just met her, hugging would be awkward." We have built barriers that have no purpose but to insulate us from each other. In the US we have this inclination that a house is better than an apartment because you have much more room, you're insulated. I for one wish to always live in some sort of community. Growing up, it was awkward talking to the neighbors because we never really talked before. Really they are just strangers that happened to be geographically closer to us than most strangers. Then I went to college and I saw a family created in the dorm I lived in. To be sure the family was dysfunctional but it was a family. There weren't any strangers except those that made a point of being insulated. It was much easier to live out The Way when you saw everyone around you as family. Then I moved into an apartment and I barely talked to our neighbors. Then I moved into a house with some friends and we never talked to the neighbors. We were "moving up" in the world. We were living in a house, heck yeah! But it was so lonely. In the apartments only walls separated us from everyone else, now walls and the elements separated us. The next year I moved back into an apartment, it's great.
God give me strength and wisdom. Grant me passion more than anything though. Grant me the desire to do your will, to love. Because even if it's hard to carry out, I know it'll complete me. This is what we were created for. Not to build empires from the ashes of the kingdoms of old, but to embrace and love those who got burnt.
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Station of Man
While reading some good ole Ayn Rand, I hit a point of friction between my beliefs in God and how she seems to accurately depict religion.
To her it seems that the ideal of God is just a way of making man into a worm through squirming and begging for forgiveness. And though the description is a dash harsh, isn't it at first glance true? Man is the animal that has tamed other animals, built structures of metal thousands of feet high, gone into space and returned, and even over doubled its initial life span. But does not most religions (those with a god or gods) ask us to believe that we are in fact weak, we are corruptible, we are not good, and we need something out of this world? Or that we are in fact nothing but worms squirming in the greatness that is God's presence and we need to apologize even for our existence and its brokenness (original sin)? Is man to renounce his reason so he can accept his faith? Should we shy from progress in a disgusting humility of believing we are playing God? For after all, is not the ideal of medicine a blissful immortality since we wish to reduce pain and life longer through it? Is such a goal sinful? Is it sinful for man to look at the world and say with a swagger "Follow my lead"? Are we to apologize for getting out of the primal mud and still be a little dirty? Man has defied nature and darwinism. If a man is to be confident should it not be in the dexterity of his hands and the wit of his mind or should it be in the absent ghost of a god? If God is he who can do anything and who can know anything, is it shameful to believe that man becoming quite the deity himself?
On the other hand, Christianity (in my opinion) seems to teach these things: We are to remember that we are not gods. Yes, we do in fact bleed and we must accept that death is common and thus not become attracted to the desires of this world. For you see we are travelers and this is but a stop on our way (though which way we must choose). So give up. No, not on life but on immortality. Don't you know God loves you? Aren't you aware that as strong as you are, that's exactly what makes you weak with pride? Instead look to he who never fell yet was weak, look to him who died horrifically yet continues to live majestically, yes bow to he who shows us the way we would never have found on our own for we are in his debt...his eternal debt. How were we to know that it is truly living to have our attachments to power, security, and intellect commit suicide? No, if every man is able to look to his parents and at least acknowledge that he owes his existence to them than he must turn to Jesus and acknowledge that he owes his new life to Jesus. If we left the primal mud, it is God who is handing us the towel to clean ourselves off. And who animated your dust? For truly we will return to the soil so what first made it move? Remember. That is what I get from the Bible. Remember, everything. How broken you men have always been. How whole God can make you. Always remember.
I believe both can be extremes in their own rights and the truth is that we are right to be proud of ourselves. We are right to say we are the greatest creation in the world. But we are wrong if we take the word "creation" out for we are not gods but bits of cells and energy. "Ozymandias" should always be remembered (my favorite poem). And also, God gave us the world to shape as we wish yet we should never forget that it is not ours. So yes, in the face of the animal kingdom we should stand with our heads up high and say we are man, the only co-creators of this world, yet when facing God we must see that we are in fact second to Him. We must remember how we bleed.
To her it seems that the ideal of God is just a way of making man into a worm through squirming and begging for forgiveness. And though the description is a dash harsh, isn't it at first glance true? Man is the animal that has tamed other animals, built structures of metal thousands of feet high, gone into space and returned, and even over doubled its initial life span. But does not most religions (those with a god or gods) ask us to believe that we are in fact weak, we are corruptible, we are not good, and we need something out of this world? Or that we are in fact nothing but worms squirming in the greatness that is God's presence and we need to apologize even for our existence and its brokenness (original sin)? Is man to renounce his reason so he can accept his faith? Should we shy from progress in a disgusting humility of believing we are playing God? For after all, is not the ideal of medicine a blissful immortality since we wish to reduce pain and life longer through it? Is such a goal sinful? Is it sinful for man to look at the world and say with a swagger "Follow my lead"? Are we to apologize for getting out of the primal mud and still be a little dirty? Man has defied nature and darwinism. If a man is to be confident should it not be in the dexterity of his hands and the wit of his mind or should it be in the absent ghost of a god? If God is he who can do anything and who can know anything, is it shameful to believe that man becoming quite the deity himself?
On the other hand, Christianity (in my opinion) seems to teach these things: We are to remember that we are not gods. Yes, we do in fact bleed and we must accept that death is common and thus not become attracted to the desires of this world. For you see we are travelers and this is but a stop on our way (though which way we must choose). So give up. No, not on life but on immortality. Don't you know God loves you? Aren't you aware that as strong as you are, that's exactly what makes you weak with pride? Instead look to he who never fell yet was weak, look to him who died horrifically yet continues to live majestically, yes bow to he who shows us the way we would never have found on our own for we are in his debt...his eternal debt. How were we to know that it is truly living to have our attachments to power, security, and intellect commit suicide? No, if every man is able to look to his parents and at least acknowledge that he owes his existence to them than he must turn to Jesus and acknowledge that he owes his new life to Jesus. If we left the primal mud, it is God who is handing us the towel to clean ourselves off. And who animated your dust? For truly we will return to the soil so what first made it move? Remember. That is what I get from the Bible. Remember, everything. How broken you men have always been. How whole God can make you. Always remember.
I believe both can be extremes in their own rights and the truth is that we are right to be proud of ourselves. We are right to say we are the greatest creation in the world. But we are wrong if we take the word "creation" out for we are not gods but bits of cells and energy. "Ozymandias" should always be remembered (my favorite poem). And also, God gave us the world to shape as we wish yet we should never forget that it is not ours. So yes, in the face of the animal kingdom we should stand with our heads up high and say we are man, the only co-creators of this world, yet when facing God we must see that we are in fact second to Him. We must remember how we bleed.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
My Unhealthy Passion
I want the world to work well. Not perfectly, I can't expect such things, but I do want it to work well. It won't do so on its own so I will have to force it to change. To do that, I need power. Lots of power. Shamelessness will be key. And so I am still trying to figure out the best course of action. Should I be a politician and strive to control the government? Should I be a powerful business man and sway the market to account for mercy and love through creating one of the most effective brands for products based on how it is made? Or should I be a priest and purify the Church and strengthen its relationships with other religions and thus spread tolerance through religion? I'm not sure what I can or should do but I need to change the world, this place is falling apart and we are all watching it from our tv sets.
How should I proceed to the top and why must I be at the top of the institution I pick? I heard a simple military concept that I liked a few days ago. It went basically like this: "We humans are weak and can't do much. But we can strive to take care of ourselves and those under our command. That's the least we can do. So if we want to help everyone, climb the ladder." Now don't think I actually think I will reach this goal. I will set it this high but the truth is that I really would have serious issues to climb high based on where I was born. I'm an American so the Church would never have me as a pope unless I was ridiculously great (which is doubtful). I'm a South Carolinian and our political power is quite limited. And I am financially conservative and business leaders are usually risk takers. I highly doubt I will reach this dream of mine. But it's a dream so I will strive for it.
This is my passion, this is my dream and this is a curse. Most people dream of a nice life of luxury, or a good family life, or possibly even to be famous. I dream to conquer my rivals who want the same power I desire and to crush the sins and inequity of men. But that's not going to happen because I am sinful. Even Jesus died before he made it big. Before death he was just some healer guy, after death he was the messiah of the world. Wouldn't it be grand if our deaths could give such joy? I doubt even Hitler's brought as much happiness as Christ's death. It's impossible to achieve my dream but it will be a fun challenge to try to reach it.
How should I proceed to the top and why must I be at the top of the institution I pick? I heard a simple military concept that I liked a few days ago. It went basically like this: "We humans are weak and can't do much. But we can strive to take care of ourselves and those under our command. That's the least we can do. So if we want to help everyone, climb the ladder." Now don't think I actually think I will reach this goal. I will set it this high but the truth is that I really would have serious issues to climb high based on where I was born. I'm an American so the Church would never have me as a pope unless I was ridiculously great (which is doubtful). I'm a South Carolinian and our political power is quite limited. And I am financially conservative and business leaders are usually risk takers. I highly doubt I will reach this dream of mine. But it's a dream so I will strive for it.
This is my passion, this is my dream and this is a curse. Most people dream of a nice life of luxury, or a good family life, or possibly even to be famous. I dream to conquer my rivals who want the same power I desire and to crush the sins and inequity of men. But that's not going to happen because I am sinful. Even Jesus died before he made it big. Before death he was just some healer guy, after death he was the messiah of the world. Wouldn't it be grand if our deaths could give such joy? I doubt even Hitler's brought as much happiness as Christ's death. It's impossible to achieve my dream but it will be a fun challenge to try to reach it.
Rightous Flesh
So I was thinking about the body and the soul yesterday. Mainly I was wondering about the flesh that we have and angels supposedly don't have. God created the angels first so that means He didn't give His creation flesh but on round two He thought it would be better to have flesh with the creation...why? Usually we see it as something that slows us down religiously and something that corrupts us. Yet He deemed it good. Why? Again, what the heck was this infinitely god thinking? I don't know. But if I had to guess I would look to why some angels fell. Pride, complete and perfected pride.
Ecuador
Currently I am in Ecuador. I haven't spoken spanish or taken a class in 5 years. This is an intense crash course. But it's so much more than that. The people here in Quito don't smile. I think I've seen three...maybe four strangers smile in the 8 days I've been here. That strikes me as a sad stat. Also, the place claims to be 95% Catholic but only about 20% of those 95% practice the faith by something as simple as going to church on Sunday. Ha, I went to confession here. That was interesting. Luckily the priest knew a little english because if he didn't I would have been in trouble.
Here, away from my life in America...well God seems to be more present. I'm not sure if it's just me being away from all the things I know so I turn to one of my remaining foundations that much more, or if it's that Ecuador has religious things everywhere, or if it's merely the lack of distractions.
My fellow students are great. Sure there are a few I would prefer to not spend much time with but even those people are fairly nice and we just don't mesh well. But I'm hitting a problem. I'm not dating anyone yet I feel odd saying I'm single. I mean, I definitely am single. I'm not taken by anyone...yet I feel taken. It's an odd feeling and it makes me feel like I'm betraying someone every time I smile or dance with a pretty girl in our group. Constantly I'm reminding myself that we are not dating and that I am not accounted for but I still feel horrible that I find myself caring a lot about a fellow traveler when in a way, I feel like I have no right to. But it's probably infatuation though she does have a couple traits that I hold highly. Back in the states, I suppose I need to figure this all out...
One last comment: don't take a waitresses suggestion without looking at the price of the item. I got a Guinness assuming it couldn't be more than $5 and the security of a drink I've had before was worth it. It was $14. Yep, and since in Ecuador we are advise not to carry much cash I had to turn to my friends to pay for me. It was embarrassing to say the least.
Here, away from my life in America...well God seems to be more present. I'm not sure if it's just me being away from all the things I know so I turn to one of my remaining foundations that much more, or if it's that Ecuador has religious things everywhere, or if it's merely the lack of distractions.
My fellow students are great. Sure there are a few I would prefer to not spend much time with but even those people are fairly nice and we just don't mesh well. But I'm hitting a problem. I'm not dating anyone yet I feel odd saying I'm single. I mean, I definitely am single. I'm not taken by anyone...yet I feel taken. It's an odd feeling and it makes me feel like I'm betraying someone every time I smile or dance with a pretty girl in our group. Constantly I'm reminding myself that we are not dating and that I am not accounted for but I still feel horrible that I find myself caring a lot about a fellow traveler when in a way, I feel like I have no right to. But it's probably infatuation though she does have a couple traits that I hold highly. Back in the states, I suppose I need to figure this all out...
One last comment: don't take a waitresses suggestion without looking at the price of the item. I got a Guinness assuming it couldn't be more than $5 and the security of a drink I've had before was worth it. It was $14. Yep, and since in Ecuador we are advise not to carry much cash I had to turn to my friends to pay for me. It was embarrassing to say the least.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
More than a Feeling
Recently with my spiritual life...well it's odd to write down into words as opposed to the overall impression I get. But basically, it's been ups and downs as usual. Only there are more ups than downs, so that's good. Sometimes I get frustrated by how little I think of God throughout the day. Logically, it seems like I should always be thinking about Him since pursuing God is the only way any of my actions have value...but I don't think about the guy too much.
It seems like given clear moral choices, I usually pick the right action but whenever there is no "sin" option I really just coast. For example, today I ate lunch by myself at a college food court. It was a long day and honestly, not talking to anyone struck me as great since I usually like to be by myself sometimes whenever I'm tired. And there over yonder I saw someone eating their lunch who didn't look particularly happy. That's when I asked myself if I should just sit and eat with them while engaging in a silly discussion to make them feel better. My overall answer to the question was "meh" I feel like this is how I respond a lot of the time to going the extra mile. If I'm not sinning, unfortunately right now that's "good enough" but really it's not. There is no "good enough" because if there is anything better I should strive for it, right? But again, there's what I "know" and there's what I truly understand. But overall, I really am making progress in being a better Christian I believe.
O, I'm going to start looking more into Islam. At the moment, I'm certainly not expecting to be converted or anything but it is an Abrahamic religion and seems to be gaining a lot of influence in the world. Shouldn't I learn more about it, if nothing else, to understand other people better? I think so but a lot of my Christian friends don't understand the whole "learning about another religion" thing. They seem skeptical like I'm going to change religions just because I hear about another faith...honestly, it seems silly. But I suppose they have their reasons. I just wish they'd explain their worries, because it strikes me as ridiculously intolerant and ignorant to not even look at the beliefs of others. But I suppose that's just me.
It seems like given clear moral choices, I usually pick the right action but whenever there is no "sin" option I really just coast. For example, today I ate lunch by myself at a college food court. It was a long day and honestly, not talking to anyone struck me as great since I usually like to be by myself sometimes whenever I'm tired. And there over yonder I saw someone eating their lunch who didn't look particularly happy. That's when I asked myself if I should just sit and eat with them while engaging in a silly discussion to make them feel better. My overall answer to the question was "meh" I feel like this is how I respond a lot of the time to going the extra mile. If I'm not sinning, unfortunately right now that's "good enough" but really it's not. There is no "good enough" because if there is anything better I should strive for it, right? But again, there's what I "know" and there's what I truly understand. But overall, I really am making progress in being a better Christian I believe.
O, I'm going to start looking more into Islam. At the moment, I'm certainly not expecting to be converted or anything but it is an Abrahamic religion and seems to be gaining a lot of influence in the world. Shouldn't I learn more about it, if nothing else, to understand other people better? I think so but a lot of my Christian friends don't understand the whole "learning about another religion" thing. They seem skeptical like I'm going to change religions just because I hear about another faith...honestly, it seems silly. But I suppose they have their reasons. I just wish they'd explain their worries, because it strikes me as ridiculously intolerant and ignorant to not even look at the beliefs of others. But I suppose that's just me.
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