For those of you who astutely read the title of this, you know when I'm typing this so if any wording seems odd, work with me for I am tired. This blog will most chance not really be read by anyone except me and possibly a few people who either I thought would enjoy it or stumbled upon it. In any case, I thought I should explain what it will be about.
It shouldn't be this hard but no matter what I do, I can't get close to God. Well to be fair, I have continued to sin so I suppose I haven't done everything...still though it's God, He could just work with the effort I'm giving Him.
Ha, though as I write this I think about just how little effort I actually put into my faith. Sure I'll have discussions with people and read my Bible and pray and blah, blah, blah. But what if I'm just going through the motions? What if my subconscious thinks there's an unspoken deal between it and God that I haven't realized yet: I go through all the hoops of a Christian life and you get me into heaven.
What if my long term self interest (after life included in calculations) drives me to desire a closer relationship with God but because of the selfish motive I fail? For after all, isn't this life to God all about our motives? Who cares what we actually did? Both the wicked and righteous die and the world goes on spinning. I suppose mankind would care of our actions but certainly not God. If God created the universe (which I assume He did) then what is our triumphs to Him? What I believe He cares about is motive, the why of our actions. If He was greatly troubled by something then He could fix it, so we shouldn't think we are doing the big guy any favors. However, He gave us free will so we are able to have despicable motives as well as honorable ones. And what better way to show our love for Him than to have our motive be to grow close to Him?
Well, it depends. If our shallow motive is to grow closer to Him but our deeper one is to get in good with the boss man, there is no love but only self interest. If our shallow motive is again to grow closer to Him but our deeper one is to love God more and know His ways better, then there is certainly love in the faith.
I can't say certainly that I'm the latter...I'm probably more of a mix between the two which is still bad. But either way it's past 4 am for me now so I'm off. I'm not sure when I'll post something new on but it probably won't be too long.
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