Journal Entry: 2/24/09
Today was Fat Tuesday. I celebrated by not running and eating some cake. Starting tomorrow I plan to:
1) Run at least 5km. everyday (except Sunday)
2) Refrain from any sweets or baked goods.
3) Not play video games until homework is done (I was quite the gamer back in the day).
4) Use the internet only for e-mail and facebook (by this time, facebook became the way most people communicated online)
5) In general, try to remember to workout my upper body.
I also have been desiring to date a Miss Holder but I find getting her alone to ask quite hard if not completely impossible...
Obama spoke today but I'm not sure if I like what he said. He mentioned trying to get most to every American a degree of some sort but I ask you: If everyone is educated, who will pick up the trash or flip the burgers? Education is good but some people do have to do the crap jobs no matter how high the education level of society is (unless robots could replace them...). I just don't to want to trust him, that's what keeps a republic working properly (suspicion in leaders).
I think I would like to hold an office of some public job (senator).
2/25/09
Today is Ash Wednesday. I was hungery but I lived. I've been wondering why I've been depressed lately and I think it may have to do with my lack of faith in Christianity. Right now, I believe God exists without a shadow of doubt but how will I feel in a week or two? Why is it that with religion, it's all black and white? Either you are a good soul searching for God or you're a stain of sin upon the world. It's always one thing or the other. Do you have faith? Y/N, Do you go to mass? Y/N, Are you a good person? See this question leaves the arena of religion and so the answer can be gray. I was talking to Virginia (a friend) today about how Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all worship the same god. She was perplexed however to why worshipers of the same god would kill each other over religion. But I believe the reasoning behind the holy wars was the same as those that started the wars from the Reformation. And that reasoning is that while we worship the same god, you worship him incorrectly so either change your ways or die (you may not like me now, but it's for the good of your soul). Or maybe it was merely political agendas given the luxury of riding a wave of fanatic religious beliefs. I wonder how I would react to knowing exactly when I would die (and how).
Monday, November 8, 2010
Mad World
This song always calms me. I feel like I've been living in this mad world for far too long. And yet I have so much farther to go. How should I measure it? By how much I grow per year? I did that when I was a teenager, now I realize that the world has found something much more important to measure me by, money.
The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).
My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?
How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?
The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?
The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?
Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.
The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).
My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?
How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?
The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?
The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?
Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Journal Entries
I found my old journal (that I started senior year of high school). I didn't write much into it so I thought since this is essentially my journal now and it had religious stuff into it, I should write it here. There are a few of these though (sevenish).
Intro:
This is the journal of James H-'s thoughts. If he is not dead, don't read this or you may consider yourself dead in his eyes for your lack of respect towards his wishes.
If however, James H- is dead when this is found, please enjoy the thoughts and daily activities of a person who once read this exact line but is no longer here. It is sad but this stupid sentence may outlive its author...(I was a little dramatic at times in this journal...)
J1: 2/23/09 (it's past midnight...)
This is my first entry. I'm not too sure why I bought this journal. I suppose so that if I were to die, some part of me may live on to comfort my family and friends...let's begin.
I had an interesting run today. I ran to the Old Wando (an old high school in the area) and ran 12 laps during which time I prayed. I prayed to Mary, all the saints, and all the angels to do what they could for me (whether it be action or prayer) as well as to each part of the Holy Trinity. But don't think I am some saint, I merely realize how bad I am and wish to improve.
I finished "David Copperfield" today. It was an okay ending but I prefer the sad ones. The endings Steinbeck gives. I'm still thinking about what I want to give up for Lent.
P.S.- If you're reading this because I'm dead, please give all my video game stuff to Brett J- and the rest to my brother, Brad H-, with the promise that it will go into funding or aiding in some way his invention. It is sad to think my days are as numbered as the entries I make now...
"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Intro:
This is the journal of James H-'s thoughts. If he is not dead, don't read this or you may consider yourself dead in his eyes for your lack of respect towards his wishes.
If however, James H- is dead when this is found, please enjoy the thoughts and daily activities of a person who once read this exact line but is no longer here. It is sad but this stupid sentence may outlive its author...(I was a little dramatic at times in this journal...)
J1: 2/23/09 (it's past midnight...)
This is my first entry. I'm not too sure why I bought this journal. I suppose so that if I were to die, some part of me may live on to comfort my family and friends...let's begin.
I had an interesting run today. I ran to the Old Wando (an old high school in the area) and ran 12 laps during which time I prayed. I prayed to Mary, all the saints, and all the angels to do what they could for me (whether it be action or prayer) as well as to each part of the Holy Trinity. But don't think I am some saint, I merely realize how bad I am and wish to improve.
I finished "David Copperfield" today. It was an okay ending but I prefer the sad ones. The endings Steinbeck gives. I'm still thinking about what I want to give up for Lent.
P.S.- If you're reading this because I'm dead, please give all my video game stuff to Brett J- and the rest to my brother, Brad H-, with the promise that it will go into funding or aiding in some way his invention. It is sad to think my days are as numbered as the entries I make now...
"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
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