Mad World

This song always calms me. I feel like I've been living in this mad world for far too long. And yet I have so much farther to go. How should I measure it? By how much I grow per year? I did that when I was a teenager, now I realize that the world has found something much more important to measure me by, money.

The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).

My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?

How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?

The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?

The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?

Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.