"Who?" "Me" "Yeah, who?"

I don't know who I am or who I am going to be. It's irritating because I think I know more about who I am going to be than about who I am this, however, will only breed disappointment for me. Why can't I be the ideal person in my head? A smart, relaxed, person willing to help and love others achieve their goals? Because I am so concerned about my goals? I'll admit it. I'm an idealist and yes I want to change the world. At this point, please proceed to roll your eyes in the upward direction. Done? Well I'm still idealistic. I can't help it. I honestly want to change the world and I actually kind of think it's possible (crazy by my standards of what is a sane goal).

But already I'm trying to get away from the real issue. Did you see that? I almost went into a dream world where I change the world and try to figure out how to reach this world. I already know that though, go to bed. It's time to be real. I'm twenty years old and have tried to plan my life out until my mid thirties (at least). That is probably not good, I am constantly worrying about how to excel that it's occurred to me that I don't even care if I do succeed. I used to dream of changing the world, now I dream of laying on a couch. What kind of sick transition is taking place? I used to enjoy spending a lot of time with friends but now it's stuck to me that some how I am on a mission and they are inefficient and would only slow me down...ugh, what kind of dick am I becoming? I used to enjoy working out and bettering my body, now I only think about the wastes and constraints my body puts on me. And constantly, I am wondering about if breeding is really as important as society tells me it is. Being close to someone, I get that. Most people don't want to be alone and yet I find myself free in solitude. I can be me and not have to calculate the best ways to present myself or the best ways to get what I want from people. I can just be innocent when I am left alone. I used to think I knew who I was and who I was going to be. Now all I know is that I am me and that I probably need to sleep more.

Beams aren't the only things experiencing stress

I need to try to go into seclusion somewhere or something. For some reason, everyone expects something from me right now. I just want to collapse. I want to cut myself so I can show others that I bleed. It's probably my fault for being too ashamed of my weaknesses to show them to others but damn it, this is getting to be too much. What happened to the days when I'd offer crap like this up to God and acknowledge my weakness to Him? Somehow, it was refreshing...

Nowadays though, I can list my faults but all I hear is my own conviction telling me to be stronger, to not bother God. This must be sinful isn't it? To not share everything with my God? Especially my pain. If my beliefs are right, He even came down here to share in our pain and take it from us so we could be with Him more fully. So why am I unable to share it with Him?

As any reader may be thinking, yes I too believe it is my pride. My heart is dying but my brain is trying to wave off God saying "No problems here chief. You really should go see those other people, they are lost without you. They need you." Pride. I don't want charity from anyone. Even God Himself. I want to show that I can stand by myself, I don't need anyone to prop me up, I don't need His pity, just His salvation...from myself...hmm. Seems like I'm against the main points of Christianity. "We need Him, He came here to save us from our own sin" yada, yada, yada. I want to love Him and be loved by Him. But without Him saving me, I don't want a savior, I want a loving God. Someone I can walk with and talk to. Who I can admire as I walk through nature. Not someone I can hold myself up to as a measuring stick to see my own mediocrity. I know I'm flawed, but that doesn't mean I want a god whose main purpose is saving myself from my flaws.

Why is freedom so controversial? I just want to love God and come and go from His table as I please. Realizing I can't always be there, why do we have this restlessness in us that leads us to forsake our own God for the freedom to make atrocious decisions? I don't make sense. Why instead can't there be this great passiveness in me that just desires to submit my will to God? None of what's inside of me reflects the creation of something that a good god would make. Has the world corrupted me this much? Ugh...these people can ask things of me but they better be cautious. I'm trying to be loving and patient with them but now I'm about as likely to argue and yell at them just to release some of this frustration...but that's not good. I just need to run it off. That could do it. Ha, I'll do anything before I turn to God it seems...how sad.