"Who?" "Me" "Yeah, who?"

I don't know who I am or who I am going to be. It's irritating because I think I know more about who I am going to be than about who I am this, however, will only breed disappointment for me. Why can't I be the ideal person in my head? A smart, relaxed, person willing to help and love others achieve their goals? Because I am so concerned about my goals? I'll admit it. I'm an idealist and yes I want to change the world. At this point, please proceed to roll your eyes in the upward direction. Done? Well I'm still idealistic. I can't help it. I honestly want to change the world and I actually kind of think it's possible (crazy by my standards of what is a sane goal).

But already I'm trying to get away from the real issue. Did you see that? I almost went into a dream world where I change the world and try to figure out how to reach this world. I already know that though, go to bed. It's time to be real. I'm twenty years old and have tried to plan my life out until my mid thirties (at least). That is probably not good, I am constantly worrying about how to excel that it's occurred to me that I don't even care if I do succeed. I used to dream of changing the world, now I dream of laying on a couch. What kind of sick transition is taking place? I used to enjoy spending a lot of time with friends but now it's stuck to me that some how I am on a mission and they are inefficient and would only slow me down...ugh, what kind of dick am I becoming? I used to enjoy working out and bettering my body, now I only think about the wastes and constraints my body puts on me. And constantly, I am wondering about if breeding is really as important as society tells me it is. Being close to someone, I get that. Most people don't want to be alone and yet I find myself free in solitude. I can be me and not have to calculate the best ways to present myself or the best ways to get what I want from people. I can just be innocent when I am left alone. I used to think I knew who I was and who I was going to be. Now all I know is that I am me and that I probably need to sleep more.