What is music? So many people seem to use it, others seem to feel it, and still others seem to be immersed in it. Is it poetry with a background noise or a pulse felt through instruments with some paltry words attached to give the rhythm a story to match the emotion? I'm sure most would say it's a mix of the two. A compromise of the two ideals, that's life isn't it?
I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.
Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.
Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.
I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.
If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.
But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?
Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.
I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.
People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...
No comments:
Post a Comment