I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, mainly because I don't think anyone reading would care but this summer I'm doing some engineering research. One of my co-researchers is from China and we have fun discussing many things different about our cultures. Another one of my researching buddies is an aggressive christian. Aggressive in that if you don't even believe the same flavor of Christianity, he will humbly show you how you are clearly in the wrong. Poor chinese researcher didn't have a chance. He drew her into a conversation about a god she didn't believe in and asked her what she believed in. Let me just say, telling someone like him something like "I'm not sure yet" is infinitely better than "We are a part of a multiverse that science has proven...well, will prove. We don't need God to exist to explain why we exist." She chose the latter and he had a question or two for her.
Later this week, I was picking her up at where she ate lunch. Since I couldn't park there, I illegally (I hope this doesn't count as evidence...) parked at an episcopal church. As I pointed out that I parked illegally she noticed where I parked and so we ended up talking about episcopals and other christians and which I was. Honestly, I'm not sure I can count as a whole christian because I find myself finding Jesus...well I guess I just can't find where he fits in my theology. I like to think God is too big to be contained within a religion. This is what I answered with: "I was raised (in) and I suppose I follow the Catholic Church. But I like to think that if there is a god, He's much bigger than any religion we could make and so in a way, we are all wrong." She agreed and said she figured as much herself so she might as well be atheist until she finds God...as if He could be figured out, the scientists of this world have looked at too many puzzles and heard too many natural laws, and so we start to think that God must adhere to the laws and He too must be a puzzle. We are all fools regardless of if He is or isn't.
So then we talked of why she would be atheist if she acknowledges there may be something worth being spiritual over while also asking why I would be Catholic full well believing the dogma is incomplete. We seemed to believe very similar things and yet here we were on the opposite sides of the theological spectrum. At one point, we mentioned our environment and how being spiritual doesn't cost me anything while it would cost her a lot in China.
Eventually we turned our talk to why Christianity may be incomplete and where something needed to be added (for you see we too are saints, we are priests, we are the pastors of our own church and so we strove to figure out what was to be preached should anyone come to our pulpit) and we mused on individuality. I pointed out how huge individuality is in Christianity and in fact how that is probably how Christianity gained power. From the Jewish "people" God suddenly changes His care to the individuals. Before He would only have relationships with the leaders of a group, now He wants to have an intimate relationship with each of the sheep in His flock...Such a change no doubt helped Christianity flourish. But that's why I love the Catholic Church over the other Christian denominations. It understands that we are all together. We are together the "Body of Christ," individually we are nothing but pieces of a body. Now that may seem like a downer for some but it's so sensible compared to the alternative I think.
We are all a community. We are one together but separate? Well, man is a social creature and as such it seems even technology is in accord with becoming one body as we all slowly merge our pictures, thoughts, bank accounts, lives online. We are slowly becoming more of a hive mind where leaders are no longer distinguished men but merely the mascots of ideologies that must clash. It does tickle the pride to think that I alone am enough. Enough for what? I don't know but I do know that we were not built to be loners. Tribes, gangs, from these governments led by men, from these governments led by the populace (for better or for worse), we have slowly been merging ourselves and rarely has anyone looked back. Just think, where now could a man go to be free from all forms of government? Where does anarchy reside in this day in age? And remember, anarchy also comes with laws, it's just that individuals instead of groups make them. Is that so horrifying? Hitler led a nation to commit atrocities, what if his law only affected one man, himself? Wouldn't that have been so much better? No, the individual is dying.
So with that in mind. Please let us stop assuming we know what God likes. I'm tired of the red team's fans thinking Red team scores= God's Will while the blue team, much more enlightened, regards the true truth to be Blue Team scores= God's Will. Sometimes I can't help but think God cares nothing for our pathetic squabbles, our different clans, our differences. We are one people, white or black or red or yellow. I'd imagine God cares nothing for such trivial differences as race, nationality, gender, or even hair color.
Well except for the gingers...God's gotta love them, otherwise the rest of us would have wiped them out by now.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So Far Away From Everyone
What is music? So many people seem to use it, others seem to feel it, and still others seem to be immersed in it. Is it poetry with a background noise or a pulse felt through instruments with some paltry words attached to give the rhythm a story to match the emotion? I'm sure most would say it's a mix of the two. A compromise of the two ideals, that's life isn't it?
I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.
Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.
Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.
I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.
If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.
But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?
Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.
I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.
People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...
I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.
Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.
Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.
I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.
If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.
But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?
Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.
I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.
People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...
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