Why Spiritual Retreats can have nothing to do with God.

So I neglected to mention it but I helped to run a religious hiking retreat this past weekend. However, while others may have been thinking about God, honestly I thought less of Him than usual. As a leader, I was consumed by logistics. People may seem smart but just go on a retreat with them, people are stupid. People left their sleeping bags at old camp sites for no reason at all, others thought we were joking when we asked them to bring flashlights...it was bad. But the Lord carried us through it all. But another problem I had were these cute girls...it wasn't good. I'm sure from my writings/ravings you would assume I'm way too odd to be attractive to the opposite sex but I'm good at using the twisted logic of mine to humor. I don't know, maybe I was imagining it but in any case, a few girls were distracting me through out the retreat. That's the issue I always have. It's never one girl that I can pursue and care for. Something, probably just my stupidity makes it to where I pursue more than one gal and then if they both respond positively...well I try to process who would be better to pursue...that can take a while. Anyway, God wasn't central to my retreat experience and I think it's a shame. Here's my talk if you are interested:

My Life is in Your Hands

Hello, in case there is anyone here that doesn’t know, my name is James Hubbard and my talk’s name is “My Life is in Your Hands” Another fact you may be interested in knowing is that when I was first given this talk topic, I would have been willing to trade it for any other one because I don’t fit the ideal at all.

I grew up as the baby of my family with my younger sibling being 8 years older than me. While I was always shown love, it was usually tough. If I wanted to play a game, I would never win so that I would get better. If I wanted to talk, I had to talk in a mature manner. And if I wanted to have something done, I usually had to do it. My parents had dealt with two teenagers while I was growing up and as they were trying to teach my brother and sister how to be an adult, they also taught me. The biggest thing stressed was self reliance. I was to be a somber adult who needed no real assistance by a young age, not because my parents didn’t care about me but because they were so tired. And I’m not complaining, it has made me a much stronger person…but that also makes me not want to depend on anyone, even God.

As I said, I didn’t think I was the right guy for this talk. I have trouble depending on anyone, let alone putting my life in the hands of some supernatural being I’ve never even seen. I’d imagine myself to be like Peter in the reading. Peter was a fisherman; he had dealt with his fair share of bad weather. Do you think his first reaction was to wake up Jesus? I doubt it. I imagine the fishermen of the 12 trying to do all they had learned through their trade to keep the boat afloat and out of danger. Why wake Jesus? He’s just a carpenter. He would have no idea how to save the boat. What would Jesus know of their problem? Then finally, after all else failed they turned to Jesus to wake Him up, not to ask for help but to let Him share in their despair that they were all to die. And once they confided their fears to Him, He saved them from the fear and rebuked them for even doubting that He could handle it.

I feel like I do this. The thinking goes like this: “I don’t see Jesus so He’s not here with me. He isn’t around so clearly He can’t help me. Jesus isn’t on any boat with me, I’m by myself but even if He were here, He wouldn’t know how to help. Jesus is just some mythical character in a book all the adults in the church wanted me to read. What’s He going to do? What would Jesus know of my problems? Jesus is useless, only I can save myself.”

Let me share a quote from a man as reliable as God, Morgan Freeman: “If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?” To me, that’s beautiful. Do I have to pretend to believe God is some superman who will come to save the day by explicitly solving all our problems or answering all our prayers? No, in fact, I would be very irritated if all my prayers were answered when I’m sure there are others in the world who need God’s intervention more. Besides, I was raised to be self reliant and to depend on only those who proved they were dependable.

And I don’t like to admit this but I can’t help but have a lot of doubts about God. It really does seem like He’s asleep a lot, doesn’t it? So many of the prayers we keep silent in our hearts…they go unanswered, don’t they? So why should we trust this guy? We asked, we loved, we followed, and He didn’t give us our wages, our wishes did He? Why should we depend on Him when He doesn’t appear to be very dependable?

Well I’m not going to say I’ve got it down by a long shot but I think it has to do with God and us having a common goal but He’s just a lot smarter than us. An example of this would be in high school freshman year, I asked this girl out that I had a crush on. Before our first date though, she cancelled and said she thought it would be better if we were just friends. I was crushed and looked to God with the question of why. It wasn’t until the next year that I really did spend a lot of time with her as a friend, and you know what, she was not my type at all. Which was weird because at the time I didn’t even know I had a type. But it ended up that the two of us not dating was the best conclusion that could have been reached. I know that now but I couldn’t see her for her at the time. But God did, He sees all of what makes us great and what makes us fall. And He has the same goal as us, for our happiness. He just thinks of the long run more (and better) than we do.

And while I’m on this topic I might as well try to answer this. Want to know why I don’t trust God sometimes? Because I don’t want what He wants. Sure we both want me to be happy but His version of it seems much worse than my idea. I think He wants me to be a meek subdued creation that does as He wills much like a puppet. Have a problem? Let’s pray. Don’t know what’s happening? Turn to God. Want to love and marry? First make sure God doesn’t want you to be a priest. What is the point of this life if God just wants us to give it back to Him in such an unoriginal fashion? Should I turn to God with all problems or should I learn to appreciate His Will as I solve my own problems? God, this life is so refreshing and intoxicating, why would I sacrifice this to go into servitude. Sometimes it seems like while you may have the water of eternal life, I’d much prefer to live and die my own dehydrated life before I live under your tyranny. Is this pride? But where is my sin? I only want to live and love without the command to. To be able to have spite without the guilt. God has given us emotions and yet how often are we allowed to embrace them in His eyes? And while I may not logically think this completely, sometimes I feel the belief of it within my heart.

However, shouldn’t instead we humble ourselves? Shouldn’t we realize that a god that loved us enough to create us loves us enough to make sure that life is full of smiles, rains, and scents of honeysuckles and freshly cut grass? Sure it’s also full of war, cancer, and famine. But how many of these pains are brought on us by men? And of those that we can attribute to God, how many of them don’t in some way actually enhance the love and closeness of those involved? After all, (watch out I’m about to get really philosophical) how could we truly grasp the sweetness of a lollipop without the bland stick in the middle of it? So much of our feelings are based on relative things. Maybe that’s the problem; I think that’s what God’s been trying to free me from. It’s not being enslaved by Him, but rather emancipated, or freed from the world to live the good life He wishes for me. But I suppose I shouldn’t expect the world to tell me that.

So something I’ll strive to do is to put my life in His hands instead of the world’s hands. Looking back God has helped me whenever there were rough storms, even when I didn’t ask Him to. He’s on my boat. He’s in all our boats, but can we humble ourselves to ask Him for help? Or something I’ve had to ask myself is: will my pride keep me from putting my life in His hands?