How Things Are Going...

I feel like the only time I write is when I'm struggling with something so as a result my posts are morbid or unfeeling. However, I don't feel that way today. Today, I can feel my heart beat, strong and steady and willing to beat until God says stop.

Religiously I've grown (I believe) in the last couple of weeks. I was struggling with putting God before school and relationships but I believe (that hopefully) I've fixed that for now. It's ridiculous just how easy it is to forget about your relationship to God when more tangible issues face you. And then what are we to do if the issues are mixed with God? I suppose "pray" would be the textbook answer here (textbook being the Bible).

I've been dealing with something recently that is connected to God and I have prayed on but still are unsure as to how I should proceed...of course, because I lack imagination in my daily life, my problem is about a woman.

Unfortunately, I am completely oblivious to the crushing of my own heart when I am with her. I have been friends with her for a year though I always have wanted to be more. She however, feels differently but really values me as a friend. And I don't think I'm just saying that to at least ease my pain a little, I honestly think I am one of her best friends though I could be ridiculously mistaken (a man can be logical in all things except where his heart is, there I believe logic fails drastically and we must all look to God as our only compass towards joy). Anyway, she's gone through some troubled times and I really feel like I need to be with her to help her talk it out and I love spending time with her (even if I'm stuck as a "friend") but it's killing me slowly because I can't move on. Whenever I've been rejected in the past, I would just isolate myself from the person and time would heal the wound as I moved on. Now however, I feel like I need to be there for her and I want to be around her but I know she doesn't want me and it hurts like hell.

But I'm not one to just sit there taking it without action. I decided to pray to God, see if the big guy could give me any words to go by. All I got was this though: "You're not going to get her, but you can save her." I don't know what to make of it to a degree because I'm fairly sure she's a better Christian than me, how could I save her? But then again, I don't matter. I can't save anyone, only God can. So whether I think I'm useful or not, if God wants me to be with her and talk about our lives, shouldn't I? Plus, if I actually care for her, won't I just do that which I believe will make her the happiest?...even if it destroys me?

So this post wasn't too much about God but since no one reads this anyway I feel like I have not let my readers down. Adios.