I received a facebook message from an atheist friend of mine about my thoughts on Russell's teapot and in general with his belief that religion demands evidence of the empirical sort while atheists wait. The following is my (admittingly) long winded response:
"I have heard of it before, yes. I think it's a fun jab at religion but nothing any religious person would ever stumble over. First, making up some trite example that fits how some atheist views religion should not be equated to religious belief unless merely for entertainment/ silly mockery. It's equating something too trivial to something too important so while it is easy to discount the teapot without altering how humanity views the world, to try to use such an argument about something as vital as the existence of the supernatural is ridiculous. The supernatural is just that, supernatural. So it requires man to think beyond his tools and scientific idols. So naturally it is quite easy to scientifically make fun of but that makes it no less real. I would like to bring up the theories of dark energy and black holes. We don't have any idea about what either truly are or if either really exist. And certainly for science now, the idea of testing either seems ridiculous. And yet, using the teapot metaphor, majority of the brightest scientists in the world would be laughed out of any convention they went into. What's the difference? The scientists want these things and see no real way to disprove them. The theories work well with scientists because it helps explain the accelerating expansion of the universe while also holding onto creation stories that do not involve a god. This too is ridiculous. Scientists are ignoring the scientific method because they don't want the supernatural to exist. So instead they speak of extra dimensions, dark energy that can not be observed, and how the accelerating expansion of the universe is in fact still in line with a theory of a cyclical universe...it seems supernatural to me. They have their religion and they have the articles that require faith hoping that one day maybe the truth will reveal itself because they certainly don't give me the impression that they are any better than priests using logic. But I may be ignorant in their complete theories, I admit I find majority of it silly and so I find it hard to read with my eyes rolling so much. But I should pursue it shouldn't I? It is a religion that may be correct. Just as I feel any atheist should be completely open to the existence of a god (notice I'm not giving personality to the god, I mention it openly to any theist religion to embrace).
Priests and scientists are both trying to answer the questions of our origins. In the scientific method, isn't the first step to develop a question and then to strive to answer it? Well humanity has come up with the question "Why are we here?" and we have striven to answer this question since the dawn of civilization (just think, all primitive civilizations that I know of came up with a religion). Acceptance of the supernatural is the default/simplest path to answering the question of our creation. Our ancestors have shown us this. As for the Occam's Razor, it should be stated that since both science and religion rely on that which can not be proven, the simplest theory that sufficiently answers the question should be picked (this is a religion in my opinion). It should be mentioned that such a concept is a "rule of thumb" and by no means is a "irrefutable principle of logic" (wiki) and as such, doesn't actually matter in such discussions because we are all so bias about the results we want that the atheist as well as the theist could be comforted by the fact they are not "necessarily" wrong though they "probably" are wrong. So is the teapot metaphor interesting and entertaining? Sure. Is it useful to explain why religion is inferior to science? No, it makes fun of both parties because it demands we be able to prove something that we can not.
Sorry this was so long, I fear I may have ended up ranting. Hopefully though the ranting was logical(ish). This metaphor just irritates me because it is used by atheists but from what I can see, their theories fall under the same examination. It's just that most people (despite their beliefs) like to mock others for their beliefs without properly examining how silly their own are to an outsider (ex: a christian mocking a mormon for thinking Joseph Smith heard God in New York). But we all, including atheists, believe in things that we can not hope to prove. That does not mean what we believe is false, it merely means we must escape the slavery of the scientific method to pursue the truth. Such things are required, I believe, when asking about the supernatural. And so those are my thoughts, to summarize: Just because a man may be blind and deaf to the world around him doesn't mean there is no color or music, but he may be deemed a fool by his peers for dreaming such. I believe there are absolute truths in the world and while I may not be able to prove them to you, how would you prove to the blind and deaf man what music and colors are? You and I are the blind men and we have men of sight and hearing among us. They communicate to us such things exist and in the absolute sense they do, but other than faith, how would we ever believe in that which is true?
Thank you for being willing to endure such a long reply. I haven't wished to offend you throughout my monologue (and I don't think I have but if I have, it was not purposefully), I merely wished to show you what I believe to be logical reasoning towards pursuing a religion that includes a god (for indeed I consider atheism a religion) or at least why they are at least as credible as religions without a god."
After reviewing this, I wonder at how I've come up with this and indeed I doubt I could have without the Lord. I hope my knowledge of the Big Bang theory and the such wasn't too constricting towards sounding rational...I should look into these things more, especially if I feel called to be an apologetic.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Where we have failed
Yesterday I spent the night listening to a secular humanist talk about life, his reasoning for not believing in God, and his disdain for anything "holy" and for anyone that would even use that word. Yep, I went to the atheist meeting again. I enjoy it. It's refreshing to know how much pain the churches in the world has caused. Very odd phrase? Confused? Well I think it's humbling to see how these people have been hurt by their upbringing and how their churches failed them. I say this because most of them were raised Christian. But they were turned off from it. Why? They claim logic and reasoning but as much as I'd like to think they did that, it was emotion and pain that they ran from. They just connect pain to God and don't want either to exist for themselves. At least, that's what I think but I'm just some punk kid after all. But yeah, it's refreshing to be humbled by just how bad some churches are. Why? Because we can improve. This doesn't have to be a common story. Now I can clearly see how the small sins we make in our daily lives can hurt others.
That was a big thing one of them brought up when I was talking to him. It went something like this: "I just don't think even Christians believe in their religion. Just think if you truly believed that there was this all powerful god that loved you as you were and all He asks of you is to pursue Him throughout your life for eternal bliss, what wouldn't you do for Him? If I actually believed something like that I would put everything I had into following God. But I don't and none of my Christian friends follow Him like that. Why? I can only imagine it's because they don't actually believe it or at least not enough to change themselves."
I really liked that. If I didn't know he was an atheist, he may have passed for a preacher bringing up our lack of conviction for God. It's a valid rebuke. I've been working on that but naturally I still sin. Which is basically what he was talking about, if we actually believe then sin is illogical but we do sin so we don't believe. I may have oversimplified his point there but basically the biggest problem he seems to think Christians have are that they are human and alas make mistakes. It's true, at times I put things and people before God. But to have a one track mind about anything seems outlandish to me. But either way, I liked that he said that because it just shows that Christians are being judged and we are not passing the standards of the world.
Now, that doesn't mean ALL Christians aren't pursuing God with a fiery passion. But most aren't. Yes, we too are broken. We bleed. Sometimes we will withdraw from the world if we think it'll reduce pain. To me a big part of being Christian is to become what he thinks I already should be. To slowly remove that which does not matter from my life, this is my purgatory.
There seems to be reoccurring themes at those meetings that I wasn't expecting. I'm going to have to think them out, possibly pray on it. That's suppose to be good...though honestly I don't feel like I get much from it at times. Some days are good, others not so much. But I guess it's the same with anyone I communicate with. Anyway the themes seems to be: 1) hypocrisy (which surprises me since that's what they disliked about Christians...), 2) bitterness, and 3) intellectual pride. Like I said, I'll have to think more about these so maybe I'll go into more details about it later. I don't know.
That was a big thing one of them brought up when I was talking to him. It went something like this: "I just don't think even Christians believe in their religion. Just think if you truly believed that there was this all powerful god that loved you as you were and all He asks of you is to pursue Him throughout your life for eternal bliss, what wouldn't you do for Him? If I actually believed something like that I would put everything I had into following God. But I don't and none of my Christian friends follow Him like that. Why? I can only imagine it's because they don't actually believe it or at least not enough to change themselves."
I really liked that. If I didn't know he was an atheist, he may have passed for a preacher bringing up our lack of conviction for God. It's a valid rebuke. I've been working on that but naturally I still sin. Which is basically what he was talking about, if we actually believe then sin is illogical but we do sin so we don't believe. I may have oversimplified his point there but basically the biggest problem he seems to think Christians have are that they are human and alas make mistakes. It's true, at times I put things and people before God. But to have a one track mind about anything seems outlandish to me. But either way, I liked that he said that because it just shows that Christians are being judged and we are not passing the standards of the world.
Now, that doesn't mean ALL Christians aren't pursuing God with a fiery passion. But most aren't. Yes, we too are broken. We bleed. Sometimes we will withdraw from the world if we think it'll reduce pain. To me a big part of being Christian is to become what he thinks I already should be. To slowly remove that which does not matter from my life, this is my purgatory.
There seems to be reoccurring themes at those meetings that I wasn't expecting. I'm going to have to think them out, possibly pray on it. That's suppose to be good...though honestly I don't feel like I get much from it at times. Some days are good, others not so much. But I guess it's the same with anyone I communicate with. Anyway the themes seems to be: 1) hypocrisy (which surprises me since that's what they disliked about Christians...), 2) bitterness, and 3) intellectual pride. Like I said, I'll have to think more about these so maybe I'll go into more details about it later. I don't know.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Why are you here?
I ask myself this a lot. I'll look at my friends and wonder. The friends I spend most of my time with aren't strong in their faith and they don't even pretend to be pursuing it. So why am I with them? Is it my ego? Can I not let them go? I'm majoring in engineering but why? I don't see myself working on autocad and I'm certainly going to make sure if I do use it, the use is temporary. And who will fill this hole in me? God? Hmm...possibly. But it's only growing larger as I wait for Him.
The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.
It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.
Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?
Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?
Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.
Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.
Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.
He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.
God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"
The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.
It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.
Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?
Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?
Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.
Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.
Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.
He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.
God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"
Sunday, October 24, 2010
My Apologies to the Atheists
Last Thursday I went to a SSA meeting (Secular Student Association). As you have probably guessed from the blog thus far, I am not atheist. I'm quite the theist. Anyway, I went there and the event was organized to where Christians would talk for 20 minutes saying what they believe, then the atheists talk for 20 minutes about what they believe. Afterwords, there's a question and answer session. Fun? How could it not be?
Well for one, majority of the Christians that attended this event with me were feeling based Christians from what I can gather, the atheists gathered as much. So naturally, they were of no use in a discussion. If anything, they were detrimental because the atheists could continue their stereotyping that Christians used God to feel better about life, or God is merely a psychological/evolutionary development.
Don't get me wrong, a relationship with anyone includes emotions so naturally the most important one in any of our lives will also include emotions. BUT to try to justify your beliefs with a description of feelings and emotions is silly. I'm Christian and I hate when my fellow Christians talk of how God makes them feel. We are His creation, it doesn't matter if we feel like crap as Christians, if it's true then we must pursue God. No matter the cost, even our own happiness. But guess what? God designed us to only be complete and happy in Him. Now does this mean a religious person will always feel fulfilled? Of course not, it means that only through being religious person will we feel truly fulfilled ever (yeah, I'm a pro-blogger, I used bold).
So why am I against happiness and God being intertwined? Because I worry people start blurring the line of what they pursue in my religion. Are we pursuing God and so are happy or are we pursuing God to be happy? Notice the second option shows what you truly pursue is not God but the happiness He provides you. And as I've mentioned earlier, happiness can not be a goal for a stable (and happy) person. As a true theist, I should be willing to pursue God and be miserable than be happy and godless (italics too?! he's going all out on this post...).
And so I listened to the atheists tear down my friends as they talked of how God made them feel. I won't lie, I enjoyed it. Being happy by pursuing God is no form of evidence, some of my friends have been happy to accept God and reject thinking about the implications of that. But the atheists have thought of it. And so I was able to talk to them and explain my religion. It was refreshing to both sides I believe, I liked the challenging questions and they enjoyed me not throwing the F-words out there (faith and feeling).
But this has all been the foundation for what's coming next (doesn't most of our lives feel like that sometimes) in the post. Sure it's cool to have tolerant conversations with atheists but what I really liked was that I think I was affirmed in what I'm to be used for by God ( I believe we all have a purpose, like different parts of the body). In terms of my purpose as a Christian, I believe I would be best used as an apologetic. To destroy the faulty arguments against my religion and reinforce the faith of those less logic based Christians. Because honestly, I think a lot of the Christians went in there thinking "Yeah, God's just going to show up, they'll convert, and we will all rejoice. Yeah!" That's an awful way to view such a situation. It should be seen as the opening act of their salvation, not the whole play... Especially since a lot of the atheists had been brought up Christians and knew the Gospel and Good News and all that. So there was not going to be a "wow" factor unless it was done in reasoning...but maybe that's just me. I don't know.
For better or for worse, I preferred being with the Atheists than being with Christians. Atheists think for the most part on why they believe things. I would prefer someone who had reasonable answers for why they disagreed with me than someone that agreed with me for an awful reason. But either way, love should always be first in our hearts, for love is God. And so if I really am bothered about the foundations of my Christian friends, I should strive to lovingly show them the WHY in our religion.
Well for one, majority of the Christians that attended this event with me were feeling based Christians from what I can gather, the atheists gathered as much. So naturally, they were of no use in a discussion. If anything, they were detrimental because the atheists could continue their stereotyping that Christians used God to feel better about life, or God is merely a psychological/evolutionary development.
Don't get me wrong, a relationship with anyone includes emotions so naturally the most important one in any of our lives will also include emotions. BUT to try to justify your beliefs with a description of feelings and emotions is silly. I'm Christian and I hate when my fellow Christians talk of how God makes them feel. We are His creation, it doesn't matter if we feel like crap as Christians, if it's true then we must pursue God. No matter the cost, even our own happiness. But guess what? God designed us to only be complete and happy in Him. Now does this mean a religious person will always feel fulfilled? Of course not, it means that only through being religious person will we feel truly fulfilled ever (yeah, I'm a pro-blogger, I used bold).
So why am I against happiness and God being intertwined? Because I worry people start blurring the line of what they pursue in my religion. Are we pursuing God and so are happy or are we pursuing God to be happy? Notice the second option shows what you truly pursue is not God but the happiness He provides you. And as I've mentioned earlier, happiness can not be a goal for a stable (and happy) person. As a true theist, I should be willing to pursue God and be miserable than be happy and godless (italics too?! he's going all out on this post...).
And so I listened to the atheists tear down my friends as they talked of how God made them feel. I won't lie, I enjoyed it. Being happy by pursuing God is no form of evidence, some of my friends have been happy to accept God and reject thinking about the implications of that. But the atheists have thought of it. And so I was able to talk to them and explain my religion. It was refreshing to both sides I believe, I liked the challenging questions and they enjoyed me not throwing the F-words out there (faith and feeling).
But this has all been the foundation for what's coming next (doesn't most of our lives feel like that sometimes) in the post. Sure it's cool to have tolerant conversations with atheists but what I really liked was that I think I was affirmed in what I'm to be used for by God ( I believe we all have a purpose, like different parts of the body). In terms of my purpose as a Christian, I believe I would be best used as an apologetic. To destroy the faulty arguments against my religion and reinforce the faith of those less logic based Christians. Because honestly, I think a lot of the Christians went in there thinking "Yeah, God's just going to show up, they'll convert, and we will all rejoice. Yeah!" That's an awful way to view such a situation. It should be seen as the opening act of their salvation, not the whole play... Especially since a lot of the atheists had been brought up Christians and knew the Gospel and Good News and all that. So there was not going to be a "wow" factor unless it was done in reasoning...but maybe that's just me. I don't know.
For better or for worse, I preferred being with the Atheists than being with Christians. Atheists think for the most part on why they believe things. I would prefer someone who had reasonable answers for why they disagreed with me than someone that agreed with me for an awful reason. But either way, love should always be first in our hearts, for love is God. And so if I really am bothered about the foundations of my Christian friends, I should strive to lovingly show them the WHY in our religion.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
No Fidelity Here
So it's been a weekish since my last post ( I think, yes that's right I'm not going to check, I don't care that much). A reoccurring series of thoughts coming over me is my lack of fidelity with regards to God. Was I created by the guy? Sure. Has everything I ever known merely been something He thought up and said "yes" to? I can't imagine why not. Will God take care of me throughout my life? ...what? God doesn't do that, can He even do that?
Why can the whole world be created and saved through God yet I still hold that He can't help me? Or something else bothering me, do I even want to be "saved", "completed", "made whole"? What if my brokenness is all I know and trust? Is this a problem? Probably. But the mountains can be majestic and the glaciers of the world magnificent but without the brokenness of them, what are they? I want to trust God with others but with myself I delay. Something always comes up and I give God a rain check.
At times, I don't know why. Is it trust? Is it that I just don't think it's/I'm that important? Why can't I do His Will? Ugh...
Sometimes I wish that I was a million miles away, in a country that speaks a language I never heard before, and I? I adapt, I thrive, and I worship God.
I need something to believe. I need to be sustained cause this world isn't cutting it. Should I strive to break it as it has tried to break me? What is permitted? I need something to live for cause this American Dream keeps causing me to wake up in a sweat. Fear of my nightmare, and it's in me. I am it. I need to be poor, I need to be destroyed, crushed, drowned out. Success is too risky, I may like it and who knows how I'll change. God knows I can't turn to Him when my tools glisten so. So break it, me, everything.
There's a reoccurring vision that I'll get at least once a week it seems. I'll be waiting to get into heaven (in a line, yeah, it's silly) and I finally get to Peter and he says that I was amazing, people that interacted with me were able to grow closer to God because I was willing to walk with them through their issues with Him and show His love. This causes me to be very happy, joy is an understatement, it's relief that I was useful to God. I wasn't a waste. Damn, it's a good feeling. But we've both been in this scene and so the next part is only made more bearable when Peter says I can't go inside. After helping others my entire life, I never spent enough time sorting my own issues out, never trusted completely in God. And so I'm sent out in a bitter sweet symphony onto a road going no where for it doesn't lead to God, and I've been on it my whole life. I suppose that road's name could be many things...anyway, whatever it's called, it's not leading me to God...
Okay, need to concentrate. So God, what's up? Why is it so hard to trust you? O, one reason may be because every time I've tried that out it, it didn't really work. Though I suppose most of those times were me asking selfishly which means it shouldn't work: "You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." (James 4:3) Ugh, I don't know. What am I supposed to trust you with? Anything that would be hard to trust you with is a thing that I'm passionate about. My future welfare, future wife, future plans, current spiritual fighting, and current confusion: these are important to me but what am I to expect if I pray to you God? I've asked you to heal my friends, to save my sister, to purify me but none of these things have been fulfilled that I'm aware of. Sure, you do things by your time not by ours but how the heck can anyone trust in you when you haven't delivered yet...in anything...faith? Possibly but I don't trust strangers I just met to help me with something important, I don't have faith in them because I haven't seen them in action.
We need some more give in take God, I can't trust you if you stay in the clouds. You gotta be in the game with me. I've seen you be with others, I trust you help others, but I've yet to see you really hit me hard with a "God moment" or come through for me when I was about to crumble...or is that it? You won't come until I'm broken down, only then you will redeem and restore me. Is that it? Cause if that's the case I have no idea when I'll see you in my life. I know you know best, I'm sure this will work out. That's nothing to worry about but how can you expect me to think you'll come through for me if you never do (from my perspective)?
Ugh, the two of us need to spend more time together...
Why can the whole world be created and saved through God yet I still hold that He can't help me? Or something else bothering me, do I even want to be "saved", "completed", "made whole"? What if my brokenness is all I know and trust? Is this a problem? Probably. But the mountains can be majestic and the glaciers of the world magnificent but without the brokenness of them, what are they? I want to trust God with others but with myself I delay. Something always comes up and I give God a rain check.
At times, I don't know why. Is it trust? Is it that I just don't think it's/I'm that important? Why can't I do His Will? Ugh...
Sometimes I wish that I was a million miles away, in a country that speaks a language I never heard before, and I? I adapt, I thrive, and I worship God.
I need something to believe. I need to be sustained cause this world isn't cutting it. Should I strive to break it as it has tried to break me? What is permitted? I need something to live for cause this American Dream keeps causing me to wake up in a sweat. Fear of my nightmare, and it's in me. I am it. I need to be poor, I need to be destroyed, crushed, drowned out. Success is too risky, I may like it and who knows how I'll change. God knows I can't turn to Him when my tools glisten so. So break it, me, everything.
There's a reoccurring vision that I'll get at least once a week it seems. I'll be waiting to get into heaven (in a line, yeah, it's silly) and I finally get to Peter and he says that I was amazing, people that interacted with me were able to grow closer to God because I was willing to walk with them through their issues with Him and show His love. This causes me to be very happy, joy is an understatement, it's relief that I was useful to God. I wasn't a waste. Damn, it's a good feeling. But we've both been in this scene and so the next part is only made more bearable when Peter says I can't go inside. After helping others my entire life, I never spent enough time sorting my own issues out, never trusted completely in God. And so I'm sent out in a bitter sweet symphony onto a road going no where for it doesn't lead to God, and I've been on it my whole life. I suppose that road's name could be many things...anyway, whatever it's called, it's not leading me to God...
Okay, need to concentrate. So God, what's up? Why is it so hard to trust you? O, one reason may be because every time I've tried that out it, it didn't really work. Though I suppose most of those times were me asking selfishly which means it shouldn't work: "You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." (James 4:3) Ugh, I don't know. What am I supposed to trust you with? Anything that would be hard to trust you with is a thing that I'm passionate about. My future welfare, future wife, future plans, current spiritual fighting, and current confusion: these are important to me but what am I to expect if I pray to you God? I've asked you to heal my friends, to save my sister, to purify me but none of these things have been fulfilled that I'm aware of. Sure, you do things by your time not by ours but how the heck can anyone trust in you when you haven't delivered yet...in anything...faith? Possibly but I don't trust strangers I just met to help me with something important, I don't have faith in them because I haven't seen them in action.
We need some more give in take God, I can't trust you if you stay in the clouds. You gotta be in the game with me. I've seen you be with others, I trust you help others, but I've yet to see you really hit me hard with a "God moment" or come through for me when I was about to crumble...or is that it? You won't come until I'm broken down, only then you will redeem and restore me. Is that it? Cause if that's the case I have no idea when I'll see you in my life. I know you know best, I'm sure this will work out. That's nothing to worry about but how can you expect me to think you'll come through for me if you never do (from my perspective)?
Ugh, the two of us need to spend more time together...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Unforgiven
This is something I wrote a day or two ago. It's certainly not spectacular or anything, just my thoughts streamed out piece by piece. But it talks about something I've always had trouble with, self forgiveness. It's so easy for me to forgive others, "they don't know better," "he did not mean to," or (my favorite) "it was just the way they were raised." Who knows, maybe it is a pride thing, "I can't hold them to the standards I hold myself to, they aren't as (insert word-ex:smart, religious, thoughtful) as me." But to myself, I can be a nazi. Want to see me uncomfortable? Have me walk behind an attractive woman who may or may not be dressed "liberally." And if we walk up some stairs, dear God you know how I will stare at the surrounding grass with fascination. "Look at how intrinsically beautiful that leaf is (still a few more stairs to go...) O! There's another one...(stare at said leaf because I don't want to give into lustful glances). And if I give in? O, the guilt, the conviction of my own depravity. But that's just a silly example. Then life happens and I can be consumed by it. It's odd, guilt doesn't need a soul to weigh down. At least if it does, it is not aware of the need as it slowly kills the joy and love of the infected soul. This weekend I had a fall of grace and as I moved past it my dear old friends hypocrisy, self-loathing, and naturally guilt were there to make sure I didn't move on too fast, that I learned my "message" from the experience. But their message is not one I wish to hear, I've heard it far too long for too many years of my life. I feel like I don't even need to mention it. Everyone's heard the voices crawling in their heads, that you are not what you should be, that you can't change. Condemned to live in self denial only indulging in guilt and humiliation, that's the only honorable way to live, that's all I deserve. I deserve this. I would be selfish to expect better. O, how convincing self-conviction can be. You know all your weaknesses and shortfalls but whenever you try to think of the good qualities of yourself, how easy is it to brush them off as "not that important" or "I'm being proud" or even "that's an evil thing to be good at." Surprised? Yeah, I even get the last one. I have qualities that transfer well to being a scoundrel and I may well be that but I choose to use these gifts in a different way if I can. But being able to lie like a champ, what holy work can be done with being able to sin so well? And so it seems like we were bred incomplete, disgusting. This poem (I guess that's how it would be classified...), is about if you try to carry your sin, your hurt. We have to let it go though, it's not ours to keep. We need to move on and walk unburdened in the path God sets before us...holy smokes, this intro is longer than the actual poem...whatever. Enjoy.
The Unforgiven
Time's so easy to live in. We play, we dance, we sing, and then finally we go. But that's not how the story ends, is it? We can't just end there when that's only the prelude and we as we are, only the beginning.
The Unforgiven
Time's so easy to live in. We play, we dance, we sing, and then finally we go. But that's not how the story ends, is it? We can't just end there when that's only the prelude and we as we are, only the beginning.
As I'm getting older, fewer things are mattering. But it's cool because what remains matters so much more. The process is slow, scientists couldn't perceive it, but I'm becoming a better person (I think). But it's caused by one of my biggest problems.
I've always been taught that to live with beauty, strength, and without regret is the one rule for a good life. I don't know who told me this, kids just pick stuff up. But I'm not following my own rule, if nothing else, I am living with constant regret.
It's been too easy to go to God to solve my problems, He's too good at fixing them. So as a fool, I've hid them behind a fig leaf, as if the Almighty God could be thwarted by that. I relish the pain of solving my own problems but I don't know why. Maybe because I feel I deserve it.
But it's been not enough, I have to find other people's problems and try to help them as well. I needed to hurt more, no one ever learned anything being happy. Somber wisdom was preferable to happy foolishness. I was helping God, I was exempt from needed Him, I aided Him. I was a fool.
I've been stupid. Why do men hold onto their sins like coveted treasures? We abandon our children and dreams before our sins...is that why women fear abandonment so much? If their fathers leave them for sins, what does that make them?
At times I wonder if I run from happiness. I'm happy to be content but to be more is not necessary. Why do I feel guilty about the prospect of being happy? Even as I type this the answer echoes from the deep chasms of my heart, "Because you are not worthy of it"
Why does God accept us back so readily? Doesn't He know the extra guilt I receive with His forgiveness? It's so easy, but I'm so unworthy. His forgiveness condemns me as I am humiliated by how more than me He really is.
If pride was the father of sin and God was the father of righteousness, why do we sometimes feel like orphans? We have two fathers. Fighting over our custody. Over our dreams and hopes.
(If and) When God accepts me into heaven, will I accept His acceptance or remember? We are the lost children, unattended to as our parents fight over us. There are so many trails but only one leads to Him. And even if I find it, what if I can't forgive myself of the others I lost along the way?
God is perfect, of that I doubt many will disagree. So why the despairing and lost? Satan did not and can not outmaneuver God but he could have more willing tools than God. And our brokenness is not on Him, no it is on us. And if we are not careful we shall become the unforgiven.
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