This is something I wrote a day or two ago. It's certainly not spectacular or anything, just my thoughts streamed out piece by piece. But it talks about something I've always had trouble with, self forgiveness. It's so easy for me to forgive others, "they don't know better," "he did not mean to," or (my favorite) "it was just the way they were raised." Who knows, maybe it is a pride thing, "I can't hold them to the standards I hold myself to, they aren't as (insert word-ex:smart, religious, thoughtful) as me." But to myself, I can be a nazi. Want to see me uncomfortable? Have me walk behind an attractive woman who may or may not be dressed "liberally." And if we walk up some stairs, dear God you know how I will stare at the surrounding grass with fascination. "Look at how intrinsically beautiful that leaf is (still a few more stairs to go...) O! There's another one...(stare at said leaf because I don't want to give into lustful glances). And if I give in? O, the guilt, the conviction of my own depravity. But that's just a silly example. Then life happens and I can be consumed by it. It's odd, guilt doesn't need a soul to weigh down. At least if it does, it is not aware of the need as it slowly kills the joy and love of the infected soul. This weekend I had a fall of grace and as I moved past it my dear old friends hypocrisy, self-loathing, and naturally guilt were there to make sure I didn't move on too fast, that I learned my "message" from the experience. But their message is not one I wish to hear, I've heard it far too long for too many years of my life. I feel like I don't even need to mention it. Everyone's heard the voices crawling in their heads, that you are not what you should be, that you can't change. Condemned to live in self denial only indulging in guilt and humiliation, that's the only honorable way to live, that's all I deserve. I deserve this. I would be selfish to expect better. O, how convincing self-conviction can be. You know all your weaknesses and shortfalls but whenever you try to think of the good qualities of yourself, how easy is it to brush them off as "not that important" or "I'm being proud" or even "that's an evil thing to be good at." Surprised? Yeah, I even get the last one. I have qualities that transfer well to being a scoundrel and I may well be that but I choose to use these gifts in a different way if I can. But being able to lie like a champ, what holy work can be done with being able to sin so well? And so it seems like we were bred incomplete, disgusting. This poem (I guess that's how it would be classified...), is about if you try to carry your sin, your hurt. We have to let it go though, it's not ours to keep. We need to move on and walk unburdened in the path God sets before us...holy smokes, this intro is longer than the actual poem...whatever. Enjoy.
The Unforgiven Time's so easy to live in. We play, we dance, we sing, and then finally we go. But that's not how the story ends, is it? We can't just end there when that's only the prelude and we as we are, only the beginning.
As I'm getting older, fewer things are mattering. But it's cool because what remains matters so much more. The process is slow, scientists couldn't perceive it, but I'm becoming a better person (I think). But it's caused by one of my biggest problems.
I've always been taught that to live with beauty, strength, and without regret is the one rule for a good life. I don't know who told me this, kids just pick stuff up. But I'm not following my own rule, if nothing else, I am living with constant regret.
It's been too easy to go to God to solve my problems, He's too good at fixing them. So as a fool, I've hid them behind a fig leaf, as if the Almighty God could be thwarted by that. I relish the pain of solving my own problems but I don't know why. Maybe because I feel I deserve it.
But it's been not enough, I have to find other people's problems and try to help them as well. I needed to hurt more, no one ever learned anything being happy. Somber wisdom was preferable to happy foolishness. I was helping God, I was exempt from needed Him, I aided Him. I was a fool.
I've been stupid. Why do men hold onto their sins like coveted treasures? We abandon our children and dreams before our sins...is that why women fear abandonment so much? If their fathers leave them for sins, what does that make them?
At times I wonder if I run from happiness. I'm happy to be content but to be more is not necessary. Why do I feel guilty about the prospect of being happy? Even as I type this the answer echoes from the deep chasms of my heart, "Because you are not worthy of it"
Why does God accept us back so readily? Doesn't He know the extra guilt I receive with His forgiveness? It's so easy, but I'm so unworthy. His forgiveness condemns me as I am humiliated by how more than me He really is.
If pride was the father of sin and God was the father of righteousness, why do we sometimes feel like orphans? We have two fathers. Fighting over our custody. Over our dreams and hopes.
(If and) When God accepts me into heaven, will I accept His acceptance or remember? We are the lost children, unattended to as our parents fight over us. There are so many trails but only one leads to Him. And even if I find it, what if I can't forgive myself of the others I lost along the way?
God is perfect, of that I doubt many will disagree. So why the despairing and lost? Satan did not and can not outmaneuver God but he could have more willing tools than God. And our brokenness is not on Him, no it is on us. And if we are not careful we shall become the unforgiven.
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