So it's been a weekish since my last post ( I think, yes that's right I'm not going to check, I don't care that much). A reoccurring series of thoughts coming over me is my lack of fidelity with regards to God. Was I created by the guy? Sure. Has everything I ever known merely been something He thought up and said "yes" to? I can't imagine why not. Will God take care of me throughout my life? ...what? God doesn't do that, can He even do that?
Why can the whole world be created and saved through God yet I still hold that He can't help me? Or something else bothering me, do I even want to be "saved", "completed", "made whole"? What if my brokenness is all I know and trust? Is this a problem? Probably. But the mountains can be majestic and the glaciers of the world magnificent but without the brokenness of them, what are they? I want to trust God with others but with myself I delay. Something always comes up and I give God a rain check.
At times, I don't know why. Is it trust? Is it that I just don't think it's/I'm that important? Why can't I do His Will? Ugh...
Sometimes I wish that I was a million miles away, in a country that speaks a language I never heard before, and I? I adapt, I thrive, and I worship God.
I need something to believe. I need to be sustained cause this world isn't cutting it. Should I strive to break it as it has tried to break me? What is permitted? I need something to live for cause this American Dream keeps causing me to wake up in a sweat. Fear of my nightmare, and it's in me. I am it. I need to be poor, I need to be destroyed, crushed, drowned out. Success is too risky, I may like it and who knows how I'll change. God knows I can't turn to Him when my tools glisten so. So break it, me, everything.
There's a reoccurring vision that I'll get at least once a week it seems. I'll be waiting to get into heaven (in a line, yeah, it's silly) and I finally get to Peter and he says that I was amazing, people that interacted with me were able to grow closer to God because I was willing to walk with them through their issues with Him and show His love. This causes me to be very happy, joy is an understatement, it's relief that I was useful to God. I wasn't a waste. Damn, it's a good feeling. But we've both been in this scene and so the next part is only made more bearable when Peter says I can't go inside. After helping others my entire life, I never spent enough time sorting my own issues out, never trusted completely in God. And so I'm sent out in a bitter sweet symphony onto a road going no where for it doesn't lead to God, and I've been on it my whole life. I suppose that road's name could be many things...anyway, whatever it's called, it's not leading me to God...
Okay, need to concentrate. So God, what's up? Why is it so hard to trust you? O, one reason may be because every time I've tried that out it, it didn't really work. Though I suppose most of those times were me asking selfishly which means it shouldn't work: "You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." (James 4:3) Ugh, I don't know. What am I supposed to trust you with? Anything that would be hard to trust you with is a thing that I'm passionate about. My future welfare, future wife, future plans, current spiritual fighting, and current confusion: these are important to me but what am I to expect if I pray to you God? I've asked you to heal my friends, to save my sister, to purify me but none of these things have been fulfilled that I'm aware of. Sure, you do things by your time not by ours but how the heck can anyone trust in you when you haven't delivered yet...in anything...faith? Possibly but I don't trust strangers I just met to help me with something important, I don't have faith in them because I haven't seen them in action.
We need some more give in take God, I can't trust you if you stay in the clouds. You gotta be in the game with me. I've seen you be with others, I trust you help others, but I've yet to see you really hit me hard with a "God moment" or come through for me when I was about to crumble...or is that it? You won't come until I'm broken down, only then you will redeem and restore me. Is that it? Cause if that's the case I have no idea when I'll see you in my life. I know you know best, I'm sure this will work out. That's nothing to worry about but how can you expect me to think you'll come through for me if you never do (from my perspective)?
Ugh, the two of us need to spend more time together...
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