Why are you here?

I ask myself this a lot. I'll look at my friends and wonder. The friends I spend most of my time with aren't strong in their faith and they don't even pretend to be pursuing it. So why am I with them? Is it my ego? Can I not let them go? I'm majoring in engineering but why? I don't see myself working on autocad and I'm certainly going to make sure if I do use it, the use is temporary. And who will fill this hole in me? God? Hmm...possibly. But it's only growing larger as I wait for Him.

The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.

It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.

Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?

Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?

Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.

Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.

Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.

He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.

God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"