If you have not heard The Bravery's (a band) song "Believe," I suggest you youtube it. That song describes how I'm feeling right now. I've been hiding from while God while waiting for a sign from Him. I've been waiting...forever. The days pass by, tick tock, what are we waiting for? I need some passion, I gotta feel pain. Haha, just yesterday I felt like crap from a girl situation and here I am asking for more, come now God, you created a broken soul that can take the pain you need to inflict on this broken world. We will fix it, but first you need to fix me. The fear is in me, the doubt is bending it's knees prepared to pounce on my patience in hearing your word.
O God, I need more pain. You know I'm too stubborn to learn while I'm happy. Ha, and if I crack? Ha, what if soon my mind is lost? Pleasure, drinking, sex, and pride completely set loose upon this world. You know what the I think the worst trick the devil ever played on us was? He told us we deserve to be happy. That we are entitled to it and if we don't get it, we should fight for it.
That's bullshit. We don't deserve to be happy. And so what if God would like us to be happy? Before that, He would want us to pursue Him and at first that sucks. Haha, it totally blows at first. And sure we will want to turn back to our guilty pleasures: to our video games, our music, our exercising, our friendships, our families, and our desire to get good grades. It may sound odd but none of those things have value in themselves alone. None of us have value in ourselves. DO YOU HEAR ME? We don't matter except in our connection to God. So video games, do they bring you closer to God, doubtful so get rid of it. Drinking? What about your friends? "Well they don't bring me further away from God..." Haha, if they don't actively bring you to God, then the opportunity cost of being with them is enough to leave them.
This life is so completely pointless and pathetic unless it is devoted to God. Our other pursuits are us merely twiddling our thumbs until we die. That being said, I do not go to a mountain top to pray and read the Bible everyday. That's for a few reasons:
1) I am ridiculously weak-willed. I know what is required of me but can not do it...I hold onto my favorite sins like a drowning man to a thrown life float. So don't think I'm some self righteous guy, instead think of me as a self aware hypocrite. I'm so diluted but one day I hope to sift through the crap in my life and have only the important things left, I need to be baptized by fire, by pain, by sacrifice, if I'm too weak I'll need to be baptized through death, it'll be the only way I can master the mind (without the flesh).
2) Society can bring you closer to God... not my society, but in general it's neutral on the subject I'd think. Plus, I can help people in their problems and in growing closer to God. In turn others (usually a lot more people then the number I help) have to pour into me so that my faith isn't so empty.
3) Even to go on the mountain top requires more faith than I have. O God, what I I don't find you there? Should I look for you in the desert where the Israelite Moses spoke to you? Or possibly to the middle of the oceans where no industrial noises will disturb my pitiful prayers? Ugh, or should I look in the gutters of the most sloven cities to see your children look up at me and in them I see you? Or maybe in the African villages where I can see men interact with your world as they should, not as they have. O God, but what if I don't see you in any of those places? I shall simply collapse and secretly hope that in the fallen state I'm in you will approach me, that the predator becomes the prey.
Maybe it seems like I'm rambling and raving. Well, that wouldn't be that far off probably...
No comments:
Post a Comment