So I haven't written in a while. That's because I've been ridiculously busy with school and religious stuff. My church ambushed me to doing something on Tuesday that takes 3 hours only to have me barely make it to the SSA meeting (atheist group). I'm sure most people that read the last sentence by itself would be quite confused to what the heck I believe in. Well it's a fair question and unfortunately I don't think I can answer based on reason. Which I HATE because I know I hate listening to people who tell me they found God in a dream or they had a hole in their life that He filled. That pisses me off because it tells me more about their psychological state (in thinking that is a good argument), than the essence of God. That being said, I stand up an irritated hypocrite when I say I believe in God. Why? What proof do I have? None. The only consolation I have is that I don't think God can be deductively proved or disproved. Though, I suppose my imaginary friend can't be either...hmm...ANYWAY this was something I thought a lot about today.
But I suppose it would be best just to begin with what I've gone through this week. Monday, I was invited to an apologetic meeting (people trying to defend God using logic) which I enjoyed. Honestly though, I thought it would have people better at debating or at least people who knew a lot about their faith...I was disappointed. So bad for finding peers I can debate but on the bright side, I'm going to be able to help them think. Someone may be thinking "No, you're only helping them debate" but to me a debate doesn't even require a person knowing a lot about the topic. It requires analytical abilities to weigh the other person's argument. These people don't really do that though...so it'll be tough sailing. I'm supposed to argue as an atheist next week which I was pumped for since their side of arguing is fairly simple. But then the guy organizing the thing tells me I need to have weaker arguments so that they gain confidence by beating me. Well I'm not a punching bag so I think I'll go easy on them by not pointing every single thing out but I will constantly put pressure on them until they almost crack. Building their confidence up doesn't mean anything if they use it to find an atheist just to get dominated in a debate. If they break or have serious trouble, it should be against a christian [if I'm accepting God, then I will accept Christianity as the religion I will follow though I think some parts are slightly erroneous (got to start somewhere)].
Then on Tuesday, I hung out with the atheists which was cool. I find it refreshing to listen to people and their beliefs even if it doesn't/ especially if it doesn't agree with my own beliefs. Plus, they were going to talk about how they feel discriminated against and how they were ostracized whenever they stopped being christian (most where raised christian). This group of atheists was very fortunate in that most people just had silly little things that had happened to them while only one or two had to deal with their parents telling them they were going to hell or something of the sort. While I'm happy the discrimination was so minimal, I was kind of disappointed. I wanted to listen to how these people had been hurt so they could at least see one chill christian in the group hanging out with them to show that not all christians fit into a convenient stereotype of ignorant fearers of death. But anyway, I ended up talking to one of them for an hour afterwords. He was one of the more logical atheists (whatever stereotype society gives atheists don't ever think they can be any less blind because of their emotions, they are not calculators but people and at times very emotional and illogical people). We had a healthy conversation though naturally we didn't achieve anything other than learning about how the other views the world. It's tough to convince someone from their view of a huge issue when no evidence can really be used. But that's fine, I honestly don't care if they change their minds over the discussions I have with them. I just want them to have open minds and not to be so intellectually elitist. I think it may be possible that I could argue as a theist at their tuesday night meetings which would be fun to argue one night as an atheist only to turn around the next day and argue as a theist.
So that's all set up for tonight though. Tonight I was at a christian event but my head was kind of swirling with all the debates I had earlier in the week and with all the errors I saw in my arguments that I neglected to tell the person I was against. It wasn't like this last semester, last semester I cared more about truth than winning...didn't I? I don't know, maybe it's because I realized any spiritual truth wasn't going to come from arguing but from living life. So if I'm not getting any truth...I might as well win. But I kept thinking to myself "Why do I still believe in God when I have no proof? I never experienced anything miraculous nor have I felt overwhelmed by the presence of God...so why am I so determined to believe when I have no reason? It doesn't make sense." I actually tried to imagine how a world without god would be like in the philosophical and theological sense but I just couldn't take myself seriously. I couldn't not believe in God. And I had an unspoken reasoning tied in with beauty, value, inherent good, life, and space but it wasn't an argument but more of a feeling that God existed and was entwined with all of these things. A hunch if you will that I could never shake off. Not that I made any conclusions about God. I just realized that even if I have no written down proof for God, my faith in Him is beyond logic or probability. Which irritated me as a thinker and I believe completely discredits me as a debater but I'm happy with it I suppose...
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