This whole Lent thing

So I started out trying to post six posts a week during Lent (break on Sunday). As I'm sure it can be noticed, I have failed at that. I don't think it was a good goal though it had good intentions. Having me try to come up with something I care about religiously everyday (as it comes up) is hard and it leads to me reducing quality to increase quantity (at least I think that's what has happened). I don't care if I have hundreds of posts here if they're crap so I've decided to drop that Lent goal because I really don't think it would be good to continue it.

It was not to be

So I ended up not getting the job at the camp I was applying for. That irritates me but I suppose just trusting that God knows best is the best strategy. It just bothers me though because I interned there last summer and I knew the guy who didn't employ me. I don't hold it against him but I don't like that his honest opinion of me was that I wouldn't really be able to handle week after week of kids. O well though.

I'm looking for internships now and starting to suspect that I will have to get one that doesn't pay. Ugh. Maybe I sound spoiled or something but I had assumed internships got paid for the most part (especially for engineering).

Isolation

This past week has been my spring break and during it I have gone away from God. Not through malicious means or anything. It's just that I haven't been pursuing Him but instead spent the week doing fun secular things. Which doing such things is fine if you actually set some time for God. But I didn't. I need a schedule.

That doesn't seem to be a good sign though. That I have to schedule time for God. It makes time with God less natural, like it's forced. But then again: isn't it?

Best Translation Ever

I was at an old friend's house yesterday when she showed me a version of the bible made for children. It seemed interesting so I read its version of the fall. It was amazing. The book got rid of the crap that we think is important but really isn't. Example, God didn't tell Eve she had to submit to her husband in this version. Instead the big focus was on how these two friends of God were tricked into doubting how God felt about them. The lie used by the serpent was "God doesn't love you as much as you think He does." I love it.

This lie is the basis for most if not all sin I think. We are unsure of if God really has our best interests in mind. From this fear, we desire power, security, and most of all independence from God. We can't trust Him so we wish to no longer need Him. If only we could love and trust in God as children do. Then we would have no more sin in the world.

In case you didn't know, the bible is not God

I feel like most of my christian friends need to be told this. The bible is an amazing book with the word of God in it (supposedly). But the word of God does not equal God. The bible shouldn't be worshiped as it is in some churches. Despite it being divinely inspired, it was written by man so worshiping it would be idolatry to an extent. Which as the bible points out, is a sin. People, it is just a book. Possibly the greatest book ever written and a book that has changed man forever but still it is not a god.

It is more of a written explanation of how and why Jesus led the life that He did. So instead of basking in its greatness, maybe we should actually strive to live christ-like lives instead of just talking and reading about this book.

I think this is a serious problem in Christianity. We all talk about what is just and write and quibble over different parts of the bible. Meanwhile some atheist out somewhere is actually doing some community service and helping the world. But naturally the atheist is going to hell, that bastard. He doesn't know anything about Christ. I bet he doesn't even know who wrote the four gospels. But let me be honest to my christian brothers, he knows and understands more of Christ than most christians do.

Stop talking and start doing.

What are we living for?

Have you ever thought how meaningless life would be if God wasn't in it? For example, if we all just died and that was it, morality would be relative and helping people or indulging yourself would both be pointless in the long run. Sure you could help someone feel better by giving them shelter but in the end we would all still die. What would be the point of saving someone from a fire if they will merely disappear into nothingness in twenty years instead of right then? Without God so much, no everything, doesn't matter. Yet, do I live my life that way? No.

This theoretical talk is nice and all but it doesn't reflect how I feel. Sure it reflects how I think but it doesn't effect my actions as much as it should. I suppose that's sin. It's simple and yet so easy for me to forget. Constantly I need to remind myself just how little everything and one (including myself) would matter if it wasn't for God. I suppose I need to be more grateful.

We all try to be God

We all try to be God. And it's actually not necessarily a bad thing. I'd imagine there may be some question marks floating in your head over that last comment so let me explain.

People have always tried to be their own gods. Even Adam and Eve who saw and knew the true god still indulged in this sinful thinking. Why? Everyone wants to be secure and most want to be self sufficient. This leads us to sin because we choose to rely and trust in ourselves more than God. We try to be the Father. That is sinful and this is the type of god we strive to be most of the time because it's the most materialistic version of god.

But there are two other sides of God aren't there? As shown by Adam and Eve, striving to be like the Father is sinful. Jesus however is the perfect model of God for us. What makes Jesus so amazing? His unbelievable faith/trust in the Father as well as His complete love for us. The Father gave us Jesus, not only for our salvation, but also to show us what a proper godlike life for man would look like. So Jesus is the god type of complete faith, trust, and forgiveness. Also, He is untainted by materialism but actually says it is a false god that we must be against to be with the true god.

Last, there is the Holy Spirit. I believe it is good to strive to be like it as well though the example may prove harder to follow. The Spirit inspires people. It also grants us many graces but the main thing we could imitate from it is to inspire others to live and follow as Christ would wish us to. From what I can gather that is its main purpose and any who strive to be like it need to strive to achieve that goal.

So, people seem to strive to be the most like the Father but that is sinful because we are not wanting to follow Him...just replace Him...with ourselves. This is shown through the pride we have in our own tools, our reluctance to "give it all to God"(including our struggles), our (at least my) inability to imagine God will interfere with life, our constant and universal view that we know what is best and our constant attempts to mold the world the way we want it.

Instead, we should strive to be like Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The two of them have something huge in common that we need to implement into our own lives (I think). The Holy Spirit glorifies the Son and inspires us to grow closer to Him. The Son glorifies the Father and shows us the perfect model for growing closer to Him. Both the Holy Spirit and Jesus are humble. They allow themselves to take secondary roles to another part of the trinity. They are willing to not be the center of our attention but instead try to help us focus on their beloved counterparts. That is godlike to me. To not care if everyone sees me but to care that they see God through me.

Why "by faith alone" irritates me

I think for the most part it is just how we all define faith that leads to so many divisions among christians.

Catholics say faith and good works. To us faith is believing that yes in fact Jesus is God and did some awesome stuff for us, blah, blah, blah. But this definition of faith has no action, just personal beliefs. The good works come from living out the faith we have. What point is there in believing in an amazing love that God has for us and then only work for our own good? If someone believes in something it should be apparent in the person's life, shouldn't it? That would be good works, the tougher level of faith. It's easy to say a horse will win but much harder to believe it enough to gamble on it. That's what good works can be. When someone believes enough in God to bet on Him and His ways.

My ignorance will now have to show itself because I'm not sure what all the schisms and different beliefs of the protestants are. From what I can gather though, their beliefs aren't that different. Faith is a broader definition to them incorporating the good works I was alluding to in the paragraph above. They also speak much of grace. I don't quite understand this though to be honest. I always thought of grace as a gauge or the symptom of how close we are to God. If we are pursuing God and doing what we believe is His will, we will be gifted with grace. This is mainly an internal thing I'd imagine but I don't know. Also, a lack of grace would come from sin, thus Mary was "full of grace" since she was a devoted handmaiden of God. So I think the protestant version of faith is quite compatible with the catholic form except that they incorporate good works into their working definition.

But I'm sure they would disagree. For some reason, protestants (at least the one's I know) quiver with religious fury if I mention good works and rant on how we can't earn our way into heaven. Which is an interesting way to look at the belief. It's a twisted form of the action but I can see their point. But there is a difference in doing stuff for your parents from love and gratitude and doing stuff for them so they will be indebted to you. Protestants claim the catholic belief is the latter but that is silly. A god that created everything and everyone, the stars to the atom, will not be able to be indebted to us. We can't do anything that could possibly make Him "owe" us. It's just not possible. We are doing works in a world He created, for someone He created, and He is above all of this. He can not be hurt by us no more than we can be hurt by plankton. So with no real power comparatively, how will I ever owe plankton? So obviously the idea is silly to have that we will "earn" our way into heaven when we all deserve hell. That is the place we have all earned. So with something this simple to see, why do protestants think the catholic church, the mother of their own churches, the church that was able to lead men to Christ for thousands of years (okay...only two), the most stable body of Christ, could be so foolish as to think they can make God owe them? Do they think we are that blind or dim-witted? I hope not...

Investigative Journalism

I need to examine my life and see where the sin is popping up. Where its origin is from because it certainly is coming from somewhere quite strong. Is it my pride? What of my lust? No, my lust is probably a symptom of my desire for control and security in another aspect of my life. Pride seems big. It seems to fuel my belief that I can be in control, that I can make myself secure without anyone's aid. But this isn't true, it's a lie. Nothing can secure me in this world. Job endured hell and all he relied on was his innocence. We are to completely trust in God, even as we die from horrors.

God, Listen Up

Let's be honest shall we? You and I are acquaintances aren't we? The type of friends that speak well of each other but can't speak personally to each other or about each other. I never seem to see you around in my day to day life. If I ever do, it has to be in some dusty book you let some bros make for you. Some call it your love note to us but I don't want a love note from someone I don't know and a love note isn't going to tell me who you are. Get in my life. Help me to do the things that you like so I can break free of these things keeping me down. Put me in a desert because I won't go willingly. I need you to be my only oasis, not just another spring. Why is it that you have the living water that will make me never thirst and yet I must continuously go to you to quench myself. Are you the living water or just another water? Sure your cleaner but you seem to last just as long. Am I just not savoring you enough? Answer me por favor, I'm tired of praying only to hear the echoes of silence.

Irritating Intolerance by Ignorance

I'm not sure if I've ever explicitly mentioned it in this blog but I am Roman Catholic. That means that I am hated slightly less than Atheists, hated as much as Mormons and hated slightly more than any fire and brimstone baptist by most Protestants. This is a problem. It is also quite irritating to hear from some Protestants that I am in fact, not even Christian...

Don't worry, I'm not going to spend time defending Catholicism from such charges on this blog. It would take time and wouldn't change anyone's mind anyway, so what would the point be? Instead, I'd rather share my frustration in being interviewed for an Episcopal camp and receiving this question: "So James, you seem to want to pursue God through reason and even hold discussions with Atheists and fellow Christians to pursue truth. But it says here you are Roman Catholic, how did you ever become so driven for Jesus and scripture if you grew up Catholic?"

There's no reason to mention all the expletives that may or may not have ran through my head that this man would seriously ask this question in earnest. Well to be fair, there weren't any really, just supreme surprise that he would seriously ask that. Why do we do this to each other? How is it that we can all make assumptions about each others faiths based on denomination? Ugh, I'm so tired of fighting this Protestant arrogance to Christ. I've been questioned so many times from so many of them why don't I become Protestant. The attitude that "You are pursuing Christ but James, you will NEVER find Him in the Catholic Church. We have the answers though. We can give you the relationship with Jesus you've been searching your whole life for." Please, don't give me such a promise only to try to fulfill it by joining your church. The belief that Protestants have the only access to salvation because they have the only true connection with Jesus is ridiculous. The higher churches are bastardizations of the Roman Catholic Church and the lower churches are bastardizations of those and each other. And as I type type this I even think: "How is what you're saying different from what they are saying?" And you know what, it isn't. I won't delete it though, so the reader can see my own error but at least I'm here owning up to it. Ugh, I hate such religious arrogance. I really do. Sorry if this blog was a pure vent session but at least I'm addressing an issue all Christians are in on.

Congrats to my atheist friend

Last night I was procrastinating which took the form of me on facebook chatting. I don't usually do this because it takes up a lot of time and I usually end up talking to people who I probably will never actually see again. But time had to die so I ended up chatting with the president of the SSA and she came out of the theist closet this weekend in regards to her parents. I suppose until then they thought she was just a slack christian.

It could have gone better for the poor gal. Her mom starting crying followed by arguing with her daughter about how God must exist because the flowers and cats of the world are so lovely (I suppose the idea that evolution can't create beauty...). But that was tame compared to her dad asking her how could she be atheist and then yelling about how atheists had no morals and just did whatever they wanted. Afterwords, they calmed down and watched Fox news. I'm not joking, she told me they watch it religiously, that's just the type of family she comes from, ultra christian and ultra conservative. I listened (I suppose I actually "read") her story and then commented back that though it was tough on her, I was proud of her.

That's probably the first time I ever said I was proud of someone. Usually I keep my pride for myself. But that was an immense fear she met and dealt with, I feel like she deserved any and all recognition. It wasn't odd to me that I praised her on her admission to being an atheist though. While I may prefer her to be christian (not much preference though to be honest), overall I really prefer her to be what she says she is. Truth is what she upheld though it was hard for her. That's admirable since I get the feeling sometimes that there are a lot of christians who just go through the motions and don't believe a word of it. So why do they do it? Fear.

Being atheist means being ostracized by the theist world in most cases. Or being befriended only to be challenged. Some just don't want to deal with it (especially from their loved ones) so they just say they're theists. That's not honest though, that's dodging the repercussions of your beliefs. True she started an atheist organization and became president of it before she even admitted it to her parents, but at least she did do it. I also think it's healthy for her to see that not all christians see such a thing as bad but rather as freeing and good.

We are all trying to figure out what's true in the world and if any religion has any weight but none of us truly know. That's why faith and belief are emphasized so much. So that makes it so important to certainly question, but above all respect, the beliefs of others. Because we are all really guessing here.

Is not caring the trick?

I have a lot of atheist friends. I enjoy spending time with them. At times, they are much more enjoyable to spend time with than my christian friends. I don't really care that they are atheists, though I do mind their character flaws that I believe may have some sort of cause and effect relationship with their atheism. But for some reason, I really don't care if they get "saved" or not. Maybe that's the sign of a bad friend but I'd prefer to just not bother with it. Don't get me wrong though, we talk about religion a lot. Usually it's more tongue in cheek on their end but still there are some serious conversations. Also, I like going to the SSA. There are some issues I have with some of them that again I believe probably stems from a lack of faith in a god (for one thing the pride can be ridiculous in some of them), but for the most part I enjoy listening to their critiques of my religion and arguing different points about a god that may or may not exist.

It must be dull for the reader at this point in time...the author doesn't seem to have much of a point does he? Well I'm getting to it and here it is: a lot of my christian friends don't have any atheist friends, at least not close friends. While a lot of my closer friends that I've had for years are either atheist or not really theist. Why? On my christian friends' side, I don't think they actually want atheist friends. They might say they do and even get atheist friends but they won't let them get close to them (too many pronouns James...). Or maybe the atheists would be pushed away by the concerned friend's attempt to save their soul. That's a common complaint I hear at the SSA, that their christian friends can't be real with them because the friends are too busy trying to save them and don't really want to be friends but instead want to play missionary. This is bad and I totally agree with the atheists. The christians may have good intentions but they aren't respecting the atheist's religious (of lack there of) beliefs.

I suppose that's where I differ. Not necessarily that I respect their beliefs (though I usually do) but more of there's nothing arguing is going to accomplish. Also, I'd rather live a life that showed them Christ as opposed to arguing if the guy exists or not. Especially since a lot of atheists have been christians at one point in time, so you're not going to blow their minds about Jesus saving them. But a lot of them were repelled by the hypocrisy they saw in the church and all the "good christians" doing bad things. Instead of preaching to them, I'd prefer to hangout with them. If they decide to come to me about it, that's cool. If not, whatever (again, I may not be the best friend with this mentality but at least I can be one).

Broken Bell

Many gather round the church following the sounds of bells. Such sonorous songs come from them that even the wicked will walk forth to go to their temple. But one such bell is now cracked. He dares not tell the others and yet they know from his corrupted message that soon he will break. Solace can’t be given to one such as a broken bell. Once perfect and without error, now with a mere hairline fracture. But all know the hairline grows and with every time he talks, the crack grows and his message wanes. No one can save him in his condition. The healers of his age dare not risk going to such a high place only to be cast down by the twisted message this bell now tolls. And so he is left to his ailment, and all the other bells listen in pity.

Who’s that? A lost sheep sheepishly walks into the church drawn by the bell. He has been there only once before but swore never to come again. Somehow the bell’s toll brought him but why? The bells he had always heard called the rich or holy. They gave a message of no tolerance for mistakes, no questions that are taken seriously, and no doubt that was substantial would be accepted at that church. The bells seemed elitist to those they did not call. So high in their towers, seeming to not even be touched by original sin, they sent out their immaculate message to all of those arrogant enough to believe the message was for them. The message was clear and need not be rung out of them twice, “If you follow your Lord and are without blemish, you are welcome here.” The poor were not welcome and the humble were despised. This place was for the hypocrites and self-righteous. That is what the bells had always told and so the poor in spirit remained so, the people who mourned went uncomforted, the meek remained downcast, the ones searching for righteousness never found it, the merciful were shown only contempt, the clean of heart were despised, the peacemakers were butchered by war, and everyone was persecuted for the sake of self righteousness. All these troubles sprang from the church who failed in its part.

So why did this new man come in? With his callused hands and worn clothes, with his broken heart he soon made new foes. All those in the church welcomed him but dropped the façade once they saw he was neither rich nor righteous. And so they asked the man, “Why are you here? What brought you to us that your sin may infect us? Was it the devil? You will not succeed here demon, we have learned the true message of the Lord. One should not be charitable just as our Lord was when Mary poured the perfume over His feet. He explained to us that we will always have the poor and so should instead enjoy our riches as opposed to wasting them on the poor. So if you were hoping for alms you are mistaken, we won’t help you for we are good Christians.” The poor man, barely lifting his eyes up to meet theirs agreed, “Aye, it is well known throughout the land that you Christians are not charitable and even as I speak the word you cringe. Trust me, I never planned to come here again after the hostility you showed my dying sister. She dreamed that your lord could accept her into his arms as she departed this world for the next one. Though we warned her of your ways she was certain this Christ figure was true but then you corrected her. You had her imprisoned and beaten for trying to ‘guilt’ you into sharing your faith on charges of ‘trespassing’ and there she died, in prison. I never planned on seeing any of you bastards again but still I came because I had hoped your message had changed. One of your bells is broken. It rings of love, and mercy, and hope to those courageous enough to believe. But that’s not all, as it has degraded further, it now speaks of a church were doubts are welcome and questions answered. It speaks true to that which all of us have been secretly needing in our lives. What was once clamorous exclamation of your perfection has now become a mellifluous invitation to those who are broken and are seeking fulfillment. Admittingly, against my better judgment I came here hoping the message was true. I see it was not though, thank you.” And so the man left the church, and it was credited to him as righteous.

After this uncomfortable display of hope, the parishioners spoke amongst themselves. First they had to address how arrogant that man was for hoping for a better afterlife when they, the best and purest, were uncertain themselves. Then their priest soothed any doubts they had talking of God’s chosen ones and how they were obviously those spoken of, the world had given its bounty to these saved men and women as proof. Not to mention that their savior, their king, suffered the life of poverty and the sinful influence of despicable affiliations for their sake. He did this so they wouldn’t have to. All they were required to do is accept Jesus as their savior and accept His life as sinless despite his low friends and lower social status. After this though, the priest spoke of the “possessed” bell and how it must be disposed of. Clearly the broken bell was the work of the devil and thus they must cast it off from their infallible church. And so they did, they cast it off from its high tower and it broke to pieces as it fell upon the rocks below. As it broke, the bell let out its worse chord yet and the priest had to cleanse those present but so loud was it that all in the land heard the fateful bells chord. The blasphemy was “God is selfless love”

After all the pieces were collected and thrown into the trash pile, the poor man came back drawn by the bell’s last message. He saw the remains of it and resolved to never let it be silenced. And so he took all the pieces and crudely put it back together again. This bell was to call those to the church he now built as it proceeded to do for years and years to come. And so it seems that in the bell’s brokenness, the message was finally made whole.

Up in the Air

I'm striving to get employment at a christian camp this summer and have currently been dealing with interviews. I'm not sure I'm the type of christian these people want though. Or maybe more importantly, I'm not sure this organization is the type of christian organization I want to be a part of. I'm worried they are one of those "numbers" camps. What I mean is that most of the campers come, get emotional, and then accept Jesus into their hearts...but then they go home and nothing changes. They don't read the Bible, nor do they get more involved with their church, nor even pray to God more after the first month back from camp. The perfect example of a "mountain top" experience. I don't want that to happen to any campers I take care of. This led to some friction during one interview (I believe).

I'm not going to lie to any kid. Even by omission, I will refrain on important topics. God is one of those topics.

Q: A child wants to accept Jesus into his heart. Give us the step by step process as you help lead him to this goal.

A: ...I don't know. I suppose I would tell him (after who Jesus is to me) that it's not going to be easy at all. At camp, it's cool to be religious but it rarely is outside in the real world. It'll lead a lot of potential friendships and relationships to a less than desirable direction. You will be teased, questioned, and ultimately ridiculed many times in your life for a man you have never even seen with your two eyes. But if you can endure and take the abuse, it's worth every bit and more. Jesus will give you a strength and hope that no woman (for high schoolers), friend, power, or wealth could give you. Your thinking will be cleaner than any of the people around you because your pursuit of God will cleanse your mind. You will be a part of a community that will always be there for you in ways no secular friend group could. And last, you will be able to die in peace and hope loving all of those surrounding you whether friend or foe. But it will cost you everything you have to pursue this man named Jesus and a lot of times you are going to dislike the games He seems to be playing with you. You will cry for Him to reveal Himself to you only to have something coincidental happen that leaves you guessing at if He did it. He will break you in numerous ways you will hate because He will remake you into being whole in a way you could never imagine. Sacrifice is what Jesus was about and so it is what we who follow Him are about. Be willing to pay the cost and you will be saved and fulfilled...(this is a MUCH better way of answering than I did, more poetic if nothing else but I was nervous at the time and didn't really think about it as I have now).

But I'm not sure if that is something they would want to hear. If this camp just wants to say "we brought (insert large #) children to Christ" then I don't think I want to join them. If however they are striving to say "we didn't actually get many people to 'accept Christ' this summer but those who went to our camp left with a yearning for the Lord and the desire to pursue Him through their churches, bibles, and families" then I'm all aboard. But I'm worried about that. I remember last summer listening to some staff members speaking of how some kids in their cabin accepted Christ. Afterwords, I said great (because it really is good if it is genuine) but how many did they convince to read more of their bible, or to get more involved in their church? Some of the staff didn't even address those issues with their children. "What the heck?!" flooded into my mind and I left thinking that I would have to do that every week if I became a staff member. I'm not sure if that's what they want but that's who I am. Looking at the long run is what matters. One of my staff members when I went to camp convinced me to read a chapter of the bible before starting my homework every day and it helped me so much. From that one chapter, I would get a hunger and not start homework until an hour later sometimes, that's what I want for them. I don't want to see anyone come to camp every year and accepting Jesus into their heart every summer. I want a real relationship to happen for them. That's what me loving them would look like. But as I've been writing this, it occurs to me that you are not who I should be telling this to. I need to tell the interviewer this. Whether it hurts or helps me, he should know where I stand when a child comes up to me and asks about accepting Jesus. That's only fair.

We all think it...

Yesterday I watched a movie with some friends called "Beware of Christians" In the movie there were various people interviewed about various topics. The one thing everyone shared in opinion though is "If there is a god, I'm sure He'll let me into heaven (or its equivalent)" It wasn't just the movie though, afterwords I thought on it and I do think most people think this. Hell, even atheists will tell me that they don't believe in God but if He exists and truly is merciful, He'll understand why they have doubts and accept them into heaven...isn't this ridiculous? Even atheists think they'll go to heaven (given that there is a god).

My mind was blown. It does make sense though, who would believe he/she was damned for eternity without God? Or a better question, who would want to believe that? I'm not exempt. I think I'll make the cut. Is that how we all secretly think? "Well, I'm certainly no saint but I'm good enough...yeah, He won't reject me." How pathetic. It's disgusting. Such thinking is not based on any form of reasoning other than "God is love" which if that's all we're going off of then everyone will be in heaven.

So I decided to force myself to acknowledge that I am, not possibly or could but AM, going to hell no matter how great of a person I am. I am destined for hell. Then I tried to stop there and just let it soak in a little. Afterwords, the thought "though God may save me from this if He so chooses" was allowed. This is how I think we should view the situation. We have no claim to heaven. God is not obligated to save us. We can strive to live our lives for Him but that doesn't mean He owes us anything (just as a man that follows the law his entire life doesn't deserve a reward). As creations, we are obligated to follow the ways God wishes us to live our lives. That doesn't mean I do it. After all, that's why I deserve hell. As creations, the will of our creator trumps our own. He gave us life/existence so if He wants us to be firemen but we want to be cops...well then it would be a sin to be a police officer.

Again, I don't claim to live up to the standard of pursuing His will over my own all the time. Ha, or even most of the time...or half of the time. But don't let that reassure you, I've accepted I deserve hell. I'm only trying to do what He wills because it is right, whether I get a reward or not has nothing to do with it. Which makes following Him better I think...not caring if He saves us, just knowing our place.

Lent...it has begun

So for all the non Catholics out there, today is Ash Wednesday and thus the beginning of Lent. I thought a good thing to strive for is a post a day (excluding Sundays) though I'm already thinking of implementing rollover (no posts one day but two another to make it even). Sometimes I think I enjoy a good atheist fling once in a while but afterwords I can't really help but shrug it off. It's not that I find any new proof or something to reel me back in, I just can't take the idea of being an atheist seriously even though I know atheists can be quite serious about their position. God is just real to me even though I can't prove Him. Maybe I just accepted Him to a point that can't actually be challenged. Or I let God be one of the building blocks other things sprung from. Like a premise that you just have to start with to get anywhere (even scientists do it though they base it on empirical data but that doesn't mean much by itself because it assumes we are interpreting our environment correctly using our 5 senses...which is crap). Either way, for better or for worse, I'm going to post something daily...

Honestly

I'm the type of person that usually will not tell anyone what problems are going on with me. However, since this one is specifically religious, I feel it should be in here. I'm not too sure about God...ha, which I guess is no surprise since I started this blog on similar thinking.

The irritating thing though is that it's a logic versus every fiber in my being sort of thing. I can't prove God and I've never had Him "reveal" Himself that I'm aware of so other than there being no legit (in my opinion) explanation for things like how life came into existence, how cells made the transition from asexual to sexual reproduction, or how the universe was able to produce life like us when life is ridiculously high maintenance. I can't really come up with good answers to these questions other than "God" but that answer leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It seems like a cop out even though there's a good chance that is the answer...I don't know.

Maybe the problem I have is religion. I've never had any problem believing in a god. The only way I really start doubting is when dogmas and religions get involved. I'm of the opinion that every single religion is wrong. Not that there isn't truth in the religion, it's just that the religion isn't correct. Jesus? He could be our messiah, but if He wasn't I wouldn't stop believing in a god. Religions all seem to try and contain God in a nice little theological box but He always gets out eventually and the religion dies out (think, there must be thousands of "dead gods" who are no longer worshiped, why?) The closest to a religion I can fully accept is the Roman Catholic Church but I think that's mainly because it allows itself to expand its view once it sees that it was wrong (admittingly though it might take a while but at least it happened). Sure its got bad parts to its history but anything that man touches is going to so all things considering, its history isn't horrible.

I don't know. I can't prove God and yet I am so convicted that He must exist. Why? I hate it. Logic and I are at odds and I can't explain why I'm against it...well to be fair, it seems that we are at odds. Maybe I am just not intelligent enough to understand fully the scope of God, ha, that's a possibility. But here I am believing that something is true but not having anything to really back it up. I hate it but I can't not believe in God. Every time I say to myself "Okay, you may just have to accept that there is no god." something inside of me says "BS, God exists and you know it. A blind man can believe in color just as you can believe in your creator." Ugh...I don't know what's stopping me.

It's not a fear of death. Honestly, I get depressed sometimes when I think that I will exist for an eternity. I would prefer to live this life and then dissipate to have my organic material bring about new life. That would be fine. Like perfect universal equality, no matter if you are rich, poor, white, asian, atheist, rastafarian...it doesn't matter, we all reach the same conclusion through our own paths. To me, a death, a true death is beautiful and bold. Intoxicating really, but I don't believe that's what happens...I'd like to though but it seems less likely to me than a god having me live. But maybe He would give me a choice where I could be destroyed. After all, the creator of the universe should be able to destroy any of it with no problems, right?

Anyway, I'm rambling...but I don't like religion. I don't like any of them. When no one has proof, why must we push our conclusions on each other? I'm Catholic but I will not try to convert anyone because we are all striving for the answer, so I shouldn't be as arrogant as my predecessors and push my beliefs, even if it means my god join the mountain of divine carcasses that no one any longer believes in.

No "King's Speech"

I'm helping to lead another retreat (honestly I don't know why...I don't see how I could help these people with their faith lives when I'm questioning mine more and more) and so I have to give a talk about God. My topic is how I depend on God. This is a mistake, something which I told the leaders. I don't depend on God like other people do. In fact I hate how most people will depend on God:

"Dude, don't you need to study for the exam?"
"Nah, bro. I'm going to church, God's got my back."

This is an awful form of dependence because it is not dependence, it is laziness. But even in topics I can't control I won't trust in God. I ask for Him to intercede but my reasoning is that I'm some punk 20 year old with pathetic problems. There are millions out there starving, thousands getting raped, and billions with bigger issues than me. If God has some bigger plan to help those other billions of people as opposed to just me, I don't blame Him. In fact, I'd expect that from Him. So I'm not planning on any hand outs from the big guy because quite frankly I don't need them. That's not to sound arrogant, that's just realizing how blessed I already am just for my family and country.

So what am I to talk about? My view of God is much more deist than the average Christian (religion of the retreat) so being honest is going to be tough here...