Honestly

I'm the type of person that usually will not tell anyone what problems are going on with me. However, since this one is specifically religious, I feel it should be in here. I'm not too sure about God...ha, which I guess is no surprise since I started this blog on similar thinking.

The irritating thing though is that it's a logic versus every fiber in my being sort of thing. I can't prove God and I've never had Him "reveal" Himself that I'm aware of so other than there being no legit (in my opinion) explanation for things like how life came into existence, how cells made the transition from asexual to sexual reproduction, or how the universe was able to produce life like us when life is ridiculously high maintenance. I can't really come up with good answers to these questions other than "God" but that answer leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth. It seems like a cop out even though there's a good chance that is the answer...I don't know.

Maybe the problem I have is religion. I've never had any problem believing in a god. The only way I really start doubting is when dogmas and religions get involved. I'm of the opinion that every single religion is wrong. Not that there isn't truth in the religion, it's just that the religion isn't correct. Jesus? He could be our messiah, but if He wasn't I wouldn't stop believing in a god. Religions all seem to try and contain God in a nice little theological box but He always gets out eventually and the religion dies out (think, there must be thousands of "dead gods" who are no longer worshiped, why?) The closest to a religion I can fully accept is the Roman Catholic Church but I think that's mainly because it allows itself to expand its view once it sees that it was wrong (admittingly though it might take a while but at least it happened). Sure its got bad parts to its history but anything that man touches is going to so all things considering, its history isn't horrible.

I don't know. I can't prove God and yet I am so convicted that He must exist. Why? I hate it. Logic and I are at odds and I can't explain why I'm against it...well to be fair, it seems that we are at odds. Maybe I am just not intelligent enough to understand fully the scope of God, ha, that's a possibility. But here I am believing that something is true but not having anything to really back it up. I hate it but I can't not believe in God. Every time I say to myself "Okay, you may just have to accept that there is no god." something inside of me says "BS, God exists and you know it. A blind man can believe in color just as you can believe in your creator." Ugh...I don't know what's stopping me.

It's not a fear of death. Honestly, I get depressed sometimes when I think that I will exist for an eternity. I would prefer to live this life and then dissipate to have my organic material bring about new life. That would be fine. Like perfect universal equality, no matter if you are rich, poor, white, asian, atheist, rastafarian...it doesn't matter, we all reach the same conclusion through our own paths. To me, a death, a true death is beautiful and bold. Intoxicating really, but I don't believe that's what happens...I'd like to though but it seems less likely to me than a god having me live. But maybe He would give me a choice where I could be destroyed. After all, the creator of the universe should be able to destroy any of it with no problems, right?

Anyway, I'm rambling...but I don't like religion. I don't like any of them. When no one has proof, why must we push our conclusions on each other? I'm Catholic but I will not try to convert anyone because we are all striving for the answer, so I shouldn't be as arrogant as my predecessors and push my beliefs, even if it means my god join the mountain of divine carcasses that no one any longer believes in.