Roads Ahead

Sorry to my avid readers. It's been a while and I'm sure you have missed me. Anyway, God has been on my mind so I figured I'd write about it. I want to get an MBA as well as an engineering undergrad. But this question keeps creeping into my head and it just keeps being asked "How does your plan matter?"

In John Steinbeck's "East of Eden" there is a character that has so much potential as he grows up but for some reason he's still living with his parents and working on their farm depressed. When a character asks his father why this is happening the father, Samuel, responds (paraphrased) "Tom is fighting with greatness. He doesn't know if he wants to be one of the great men in the world or if he wants to live a normal life. The greatest men are also the loneliest. But if if he doesn't choose soon, it will overcome him."

While others may roll their eyes at my ability to relate to Tom, I do. Most of my life since high school I've thought that I could do something that could change the world and that I could be one of the great men in the world but that to do so I would have to throw everything I had into it. That complete isolation from my peers may be necessary to do what needs to be done. Is changing the world enough? What is it without someone to admire the change with? Was that what God was for His prophets?

But then again, what's the point of living a normal life? If I don't bleed, if I don't feel euphoria, if I can't cry, if I don't experience all the joys and pains that God provided me, then what is my goal? I asked one of my friends what his life goal was and his response was: "To live comfortably" Please reread that. His life goal is to be comfortable...not to pursue a hopeless romance that works out, not to write the next great novel, not to pursue God, and not even to improve the lives of his peers..."to live comfortably...." Can such a person be considered a man? Seems cowardly to me. But maybe he's just being honest. Maybe that's what we all actually pursue. It's not our goal theoretically but maybe if we look at our actions we'll see that that is our goal in practice. How many times have I cowered from expressing my interest in a beautiful woman, from trying so hard I no longer could say I wasn't really trying (committing), from pursuing God without holding back some of myself, or from even taking a shower cold enough to take my breath away? By being comfortable nothing has happened to me and looking at my actions I can't see why anything would.

The roads ahead need to be full of risk, fear, dangers, tears, pain, pain, pain, God I need to feel it. I need to feel true despair and to know that I could never feel worse. But not only that, the road needs to have joy, laughter, tears, and love. I need to experience the first list before I can truly experience the second. Trying to limit my time in the first list makes it impossible to spend any real time in the second. And God needs to be in all of it. I need that guy because chances are I'll try to cower out at some point and I need Him to remind me that Adam and Eve were not put on Earth to watch TV and eat frozen dinners. They were put on Earth and told to live and multiply but that means so much more. They were meant to swim through rivers, hike mountains, hunt prey, feel. They were ordered to feel, not to dull their senses...

Individuality

Does it really matter if we are different or not? I'm not trying to sound ridiculous but I was wondering if other than the fact that it can be advantageous to be unique and stand out, does it matter? Does individuality, without the utility it brings to the individual, matter? What if we all dressed the same, we all listened to the same music, we found the same hobbies amazing? Other than a world being slightly more dull, does it matter? More importantly, would anything be gained through our similar lifestyles and wants? TONS. We could specialize more and mass produce more which would lead to less resources being used...which means more people could eat, could have shelter, could live. In essence, I believe our individuality is costing lives through the diversity and the redirecting of resources it causes. Sure it's kind of cool to see something new, but love and hate have always been within mankind. We wouldn't change in essence, we would just try to help the whole of humanity more, as opposed to the current capitalist "go screw anyone you need to to get more mentality." Most people may say that this is not the way they operate and they are individuals. But chances are that these people are from a developed country like I am. Guess what? We operate this way. I believe the term back in the day was colonization...today though the world is all claimed so we must replace the current rulers of resources with those that will do as we wish. We are helped while those giving us the resources are starving and in civil wars. But hey, we need our dogs to eat well and have clothing too, right?

The truth is (from what I can tell) that individuality is a luxury good and we don't deserve to indulge in it unto all our brothers are taken care of with necessities. We are horrible beasts, man. Willing to starve others so that we may be obese, willing to enable civil wars just so we can have cheaper diamonds, willing to talk of our own economic woes while others don't even have an economy. Pleases notice that I include myself in all of our countries' sins. We are spoiled dear readers, it's time someone threw us out.

Alcohol

Long time, no see. Today is my 21st birthday and I have tried my first beer, mixer, and shot. Honestly, I'm a little disappointed at man. While it makes sense to me that alcohol would be a social drink since it hurts motor functions and helps dissolve social barriers most people put up (though to be fair it started out as a religious drink since it was thought to be holy what with it being less risky to drink than most water back in the day...or at least that's what I have read), I can't help but shake my head that humanity's favorite drink, the genre most abused, is the one that hinders our functionality and slurs our speech. I just don't get it. While I am new to drinking, I must say it wasn't as amazing as all my friends say it is. Why did it get the lime light instead of...say tea? Personally I think it's because of something I read in a BBC article recently: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15265317...if you want the details of the belief, I believe she states it better than I would so please enjoy the read. The night was enjoyable though, my brother came up to see me and bought me my first beer. We drank, talked, laughed, and were just silly and enjoyed the night. It was a good night other than the horrible tastes I experienced.

But how does this relate to God? ...Well I can't help but feel that maybe God would create such a drink to humble man. I'd hope a man slurring and stumbling would at some point (even if it had to be the next day with his hangover) be reminded that he is mortal and even a drink or two is enough to have him fully embarrass himself. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to a man is that he falls flat on his face. I know it needs to happen to me more often. So perhaps God uses it to humble us. Perhaps, he just thought it would be funny. Who knows?

What would the death of religion sound like?

Have you ever wondered about that (refer to title)? Do you ever think about the mountain of dead gods who are no longer worshiped? Or maybe what the last believer is thinking as he dies? To know that a whole religion, a whole ideology, will die with you...if nothing else, your life is historically important. How does one kill a religion? With sceptisism or murder? Will my religion ever die? It's lasted a while but it would be close minded to shut out the idea that the god I worship may one day be held in the same esteem as Zeus.

If that's the case does that mean the god I worship would be any less real? How do I know the Greeks didn't have it right and all the gods are just chilling right now? Does the apparent evolution of religion point towards the falseness of all religion? Or maybe it points out the falseness of all other religions except of course the truth, (insert your religion here). Or maybe the true religion is something we are approaching but not at. As our religions evolve, they will become the "true" one. But unless God (or the gods) tell us, how are we to ever know? Sorry that all my sentences seem to be questions but I find the concept of a religion dying fascinating.

Why Spiritual Retreats can have nothing to do with God.

So I neglected to mention it but I helped to run a religious hiking retreat this past weekend. However, while others may have been thinking about God, honestly I thought less of Him than usual. As a leader, I was consumed by logistics. People may seem smart but just go on a retreat with them, people are stupid. People left their sleeping bags at old camp sites for no reason at all, others thought we were joking when we asked them to bring flashlights...it was bad. But the Lord carried us through it all. But another problem I had were these cute girls...it wasn't good. I'm sure from my writings/ravings you would assume I'm way too odd to be attractive to the opposite sex but I'm good at using the twisted logic of mine to humor. I don't know, maybe I was imagining it but in any case, a few girls were distracting me through out the retreat. That's the issue I always have. It's never one girl that I can pursue and care for. Something, probably just my stupidity makes it to where I pursue more than one gal and then if they both respond positively...well I try to process who would be better to pursue...that can take a while. Anyway, God wasn't central to my retreat experience and I think it's a shame. Here's my talk if you are interested:

My Life is in Your Hands

Hello, in case there is anyone here that doesn’t know, my name is James Hubbard and my talk’s name is “My Life is in Your Hands” Another fact you may be interested in knowing is that when I was first given this talk topic, I would have been willing to trade it for any other one because I don’t fit the ideal at all.

I grew up as the baby of my family with my younger sibling being 8 years older than me. While I was always shown love, it was usually tough. If I wanted to play a game, I would never win so that I would get better. If I wanted to talk, I had to talk in a mature manner. And if I wanted to have something done, I usually had to do it. My parents had dealt with two teenagers while I was growing up and as they were trying to teach my brother and sister how to be an adult, they also taught me. The biggest thing stressed was self reliance. I was to be a somber adult who needed no real assistance by a young age, not because my parents didn’t care about me but because they were so tired. And I’m not complaining, it has made me a much stronger person…but that also makes me not want to depend on anyone, even God.

As I said, I didn’t think I was the right guy for this talk. I have trouble depending on anyone, let alone putting my life in the hands of some supernatural being I’ve never even seen. I’d imagine myself to be like Peter in the reading. Peter was a fisherman; he had dealt with his fair share of bad weather. Do you think his first reaction was to wake up Jesus? I doubt it. I imagine the fishermen of the 12 trying to do all they had learned through their trade to keep the boat afloat and out of danger. Why wake Jesus? He’s just a carpenter. He would have no idea how to save the boat. What would Jesus know of their problem? Then finally, after all else failed they turned to Jesus to wake Him up, not to ask for help but to let Him share in their despair that they were all to die. And once they confided their fears to Him, He saved them from the fear and rebuked them for even doubting that He could handle it.

I feel like I do this. The thinking goes like this: “I don’t see Jesus so He’s not here with me. He isn’t around so clearly He can’t help me. Jesus isn’t on any boat with me, I’m by myself but even if He were here, He wouldn’t know how to help. Jesus is just some mythical character in a book all the adults in the church wanted me to read. What’s He going to do? What would Jesus know of my problems? Jesus is useless, only I can save myself.”

Let me share a quote from a man as reliable as God, Morgan Freeman: “If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?” To me, that’s beautiful. Do I have to pretend to believe God is some superman who will come to save the day by explicitly solving all our problems or answering all our prayers? No, in fact, I would be very irritated if all my prayers were answered when I’m sure there are others in the world who need God’s intervention more. Besides, I was raised to be self reliant and to depend on only those who proved they were dependable.

And I don’t like to admit this but I can’t help but have a lot of doubts about God. It really does seem like He’s asleep a lot, doesn’t it? So many of the prayers we keep silent in our hearts…they go unanswered, don’t they? So why should we trust this guy? We asked, we loved, we followed, and He didn’t give us our wages, our wishes did He? Why should we depend on Him when He doesn’t appear to be very dependable?

Well I’m not going to say I’ve got it down by a long shot but I think it has to do with God and us having a common goal but He’s just a lot smarter than us. An example of this would be in high school freshman year, I asked this girl out that I had a crush on. Before our first date though, she cancelled and said she thought it would be better if we were just friends. I was crushed and looked to God with the question of why. It wasn’t until the next year that I really did spend a lot of time with her as a friend, and you know what, she was not my type at all. Which was weird because at the time I didn’t even know I had a type. But it ended up that the two of us not dating was the best conclusion that could have been reached. I know that now but I couldn’t see her for her at the time. But God did, He sees all of what makes us great and what makes us fall. And He has the same goal as us, for our happiness. He just thinks of the long run more (and better) than we do.

And while I’m on this topic I might as well try to answer this. Want to know why I don’t trust God sometimes? Because I don’t want what He wants. Sure we both want me to be happy but His version of it seems much worse than my idea. I think He wants me to be a meek subdued creation that does as He wills much like a puppet. Have a problem? Let’s pray. Don’t know what’s happening? Turn to God. Want to love and marry? First make sure God doesn’t want you to be a priest. What is the point of this life if God just wants us to give it back to Him in such an unoriginal fashion? Should I turn to God with all problems or should I learn to appreciate His Will as I solve my own problems? God, this life is so refreshing and intoxicating, why would I sacrifice this to go into servitude. Sometimes it seems like while you may have the water of eternal life, I’d much prefer to live and die my own dehydrated life before I live under your tyranny. Is this pride? But where is my sin? I only want to live and love without the command to. To be able to have spite without the guilt. God has given us emotions and yet how often are we allowed to embrace them in His eyes? And while I may not logically think this completely, sometimes I feel the belief of it within my heart.

However, shouldn’t instead we humble ourselves? Shouldn’t we realize that a god that loved us enough to create us loves us enough to make sure that life is full of smiles, rains, and scents of honeysuckles and freshly cut grass? Sure it’s also full of war, cancer, and famine. But how many of these pains are brought on us by men? And of those that we can attribute to God, how many of them don’t in some way actually enhance the love and closeness of those involved? After all, (watch out I’m about to get really philosophical) how could we truly grasp the sweetness of a lollipop without the bland stick in the middle of it? So much of our feelings are based on relative things. Maybe that’s the problem; I think that’s what God’s been trying to free me from. It’s not being enslaved by Him, but rather emancipated, or freed from the world to live the good life He wishes for me. But I suppose I shouldn’t expect the world to tell me that.

So something I’ll strive to do is to put my life in His hands instead of the world’s hands. Looking back God has helped me whenever there were rough storms, even when I didn’t ask Him to. He’s on my boat. He’s in all our boats, but can we humble ourselves to ask Him for help? Or something I’ve had to ask myself is: will my pride keep me from putting my life in His hands?

Our Old Photographs

Today to dodge writing a lab report, I spent too much time on facebook. In the process I looked at one of my friend's old pictures. It was then that I noticed something peculiar. It was an old picture of her, from high school in her jeep. No one had commented on it or even liked it yet of all the pictures of herself she had taken down, it remained. And I wondered what the picture meant to her and also what it meant to me and if we still hoped the same girl inside the photo was inside of her.

You see even though I have only known her for about six years, she has changed much more than anyone else I know in the time I've known her. To give you a better perspective on how ridiculous that is I should mention that I have had a group of friends since kindergarten and their personalities since then have changed a lot but not nearly as much as her personality.

And so I look at the girl in the picture with some of her shoulder length hair draped over half of her acne spotted face, with a look of confusion and uncertainty yet calm, with the body language of one who is already giving up and so keep their shoulders slumped. This is how I want to remember her, unsure yet calm in her light cotton jacket as grey as the world must seem to her.

Now she's not certain nor calm. She has taken a road of life that she isn't sure about but she's tired of not doing anything and so now her hair that draped over her face so freely has been confined in gel for her mohawk, her body has tattoos about authors such as Ayn Rand and she is quite positive that she is without a doubt most probably at least possibly bi if not completely a lesbian. But none of that would bother me if she was happy but she seems so far from that word. Sarcastic, bitter, and aggressive she has assured me that at least she has seen through the lies of religion and seen that living only for the moment is the way to live one's life. Again I should mention, I don't think I've ever seen her so miserable. But don't worry, she's traveling around the world now enjoying the sites. In fact, it seems like she's scared not to travel. As if her not recognizing where she is prevents her from realizing she doesn't even recognize who she is. And so she runs. She runs to any relationship, any drug, any drink, any philosophy, anything that makes her forget for just a little while that she has no idea who she is or what she's becoming.

But this is more than a casual interest in someone else and their life, isn't it? You're right, I was completely infatuated with the girl in the photograph. To me, she was beautiful. Then we didn't hang out for a while and a lot of changes happened to her. But I still wanted to be with her and possibly help her with anything to make her make better decisions and be happier in the long run. I wanted to visit the girl I'd once known and see if she still resided in any of the person I see nowadays. I think she is still in there, she's just as unsure as she always was and so doesn't know how to fix herself. But I'm not sure if I can help her...ugh, life sucks. Everyone has to choose things for themselves. So now that we are in different colleges I can't do anything more than facebook chat with her and pray that if my prayers mean anything to anyone, they help her.

I think we always see what we want to remember from photographs. We see past the picture and into the eyes of the person, we see eyes full of something different than what's in there now. Is it healthy to already have regrets before I'm even 30? Well if I must have them, I can at least strive to reduce any future regrets...I guess that's a constellation...I hate what I see in my old photographs.

When Wednesdays Feel like Mondays

Well school has started up again. I suppose the semester should be fine though I worry about taking 17 hours plus research. Luckily, I'm a genius (it should be said that at my first attempt of spelling it, I misspelled "genius"). Anyway, that doesn't really matter. What's much more interesting is that I am not sure if I should give a talk on a religious retreat. If I write an honest talk, there is no way it will be permitted because I am not feeling faithful to God and I am really apathetic about being so. I am pretending like a champ though, I'm hoping that if I pretend long enough it will become real. I'll lose myself in character and be a good man pursuing God. That would be nice. But still, I have a voice in me that critiques everything faithful that goes through my head, my skepticism may kill my faith at this rate yet I still am apathetic about fixing it. Even as I write this I'm becoming bored about the topic of God and want to go onto facebook or something. That's what I am becoming...how dreadful. O well, I'll go check my email now.

I won the lottery

No, I'm not going to be rich. But it feels like I have won the lottery in that I've been born in a country where luxury is the norm and most people dream of even the lower class life style in this country. But while we all may say this with pride, we either don't truly keep this in mind or we are immoral. To have power is to have responsibility. It's a directly linear relationship. We should be helping our impoverished brethren but instead we compete with each other for even more wealth. Or even worse than striving for more wealth and power, most of us become sloths and just relish our overabundance. It's shameful but no one is strong enough and also moral enough to stop us. And so we live our lives insulated from others and their cries of woe. We do not treat them as our neighbors, we barely treat them better than enemies. I won the lottery and yet I am overburdened with the task of being just. And so the thought creeps into my head that it would be better to not have power just so that I can sleep better at nights because I realize that I am not strong enough to be as just as my wealth demands and so I wish to forfeit it. I am not worthy because I am not willing.

God prefers the Gingers: Fact

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, mainly because I don't think anyone reading would care but this summer I'm doing some engineering research. One of my co-researchers is from China and we have fun discussing many things different about our cultures. Another one of my researching buddies is an aggressive christian. Aggressive in that if you don't even believe the same flavor of Christianity, he will humbly show you how you are clearly in the wrong. Poor chinese researcher didn't have a chance. He drew her into a conversation about a god she didn't believe in and asked her what she believed in. Let me just say, telling someone like him something like "I'm not sure yet" is infinitely better than "We are a part of a multiverse that science has proven...well, will prove. We don't need God to exist to explain why we exist." She chose the latter and he had a question or two for her.

Later this week, I was picking her up at where she ate lunch. Since I couldn't park there, I illegally (I hope this doesn't count as evidence...) parked at an episcopal church. As I pointed out that I parked illegally she noticed where I parked and so we ended up talking about episcopals and other christians and which I was. Honestly, I'm not sure I can count as a whole christian because I find myself finding Jesus...well I guess I just can't find where he fits in my theology. I like to think God is too big to be contained within a religion. This is what I answered with: "I was raised (in) and I suppose I follow the Catholic Church. But I like to think that if there is a god, He's much bigger than any religion we could make and so in a way, we are all wrong." She agreed and said she figured as much herself so she might as well be atheist until she finds God...as if He could be figured out, the scientists of this world have looked at too many puzzles and heard too many natural laws, and so we start to think that God must adhere to the laws and He too must be a puzzle. We are all fools regardless of if He is or isn't.

So then we talked of why she would be atheist if she acknowledges there may be something worth being spiritual over while also asking why I would be Catholic full well believing the dogma is incomplete. We seemed to believe very similar things and yet here we were on the opposite sides of the theological spectrum. At one point, we mentioned our environment and how being spiritual doesn't cost me anything while it would cost her a lot in China.

Eventually we turned our talk to why Christianity may be incomplete and where something needed to be added (for you see we too are saints, we are priests, we are the pastors of our own church and so we strove to figure out what was to be preached should anyone come to our pulpit) and we mused on individuality. I pointed out how huge individuality is in Christianity and in fact how that is probably how Christianity gained power. From the Jewish "people" God suddenly changes His care to the individuals. Before He would only have relationships with the leaders of a group, now He wants to have an intimate relationship with each of the sheep in His flock...Such a change no doubt helped Christianity flourish. But that's why I love the Catholic Church over the other Christian denominations. It understands that we are all together. We are together the "Body of Christ," individually we are nothing but pieces of a body. Now that may seem like a downer for some but it's so sensible compared to the alternative I think.

We are all a community. We are one together but separate? Well, man is a social creature and as such it seems even technology is in accord with becoming one body as we all slowly merge our pictures, thoughts, bank accounts, lives online. We are slowly becoming more of a hive mind where leaders are no longer distinguished men but merely the mascots of ideologies that must clash. It does tickle the pride to think that I alone am enough. Enough for what? I don't know but I do know that we were not built to be loners. Tribes, gangs, from these governments led by men, from these governments led by the populace (for better or for worse), we have slowly been merging ourselves and rarely has anyone looked back. Just think, where now could a man go to be free from all forms of government? Where does anarchy reside in this day in age? And remember, anarchy also comes with laws, it's just that individuals instead of groups make them. Is that so horrifying? Hitler led a nation to commit atrocities, what if his law only affected one man, himself? Wouldn't that have been so much better? No, the individual is dying.

So with that in mind. Please let us stop assuming we know what God likes. I'm tired of the red team's fans thinking Red team scores= God's Will while the blue team, much more enlightened, regards the true truth to be Blue Team scores= God's Will. Sometimes I can't help but think God cares nothing for our pathetic squabbles, our different clans, our differences. We are one people, white or black or red or yellow. I'd imagine God cares nothing for such trivial differences as race, nationality, gender, or even hair color.

Well except for the gingers...God's gotta love them, otherwise the rest of us would have wiped them out by now.

So Far Away From Everyone

What is music? So many people seem to use it, others seem to feel it, and still others seem to be immersed in it. Is it poetry with a background noise or a pulse felt through instruments with some paltry words attached to give the rhythm a story to match the emotion? I'm sure most would say it's a mix of the two. A compromise of the two ideals, that's life isn't it?

I'm not sure if my ideals are the diluted form of another man's ideals or the culmination of the greatest minds' beliefs in a mixture caused by ideological darwinism. But either way it seems clear that my thoughts are not in fact my own. My personality makes me much more lenient and forgiving than other people but that's just it. "Than other people," it's relative. We may choose where on the spectrum we are but our environment chooses what is even on the spectrum. An example of this would be with different bosses and the forgiveness the company has with you being late. Sure the slack boss will give you an extra 10 minutes to get here in a strict company but in a slack company the boss may not even care if you come to work as long as you get your work done. Same man on the same place in the spectrum but the spectrum chose where he fell.

Interesting, heck it's riveting! But why does this matter? I guess in a way it doesn't and I'm not sure how we'd change it if it did matter but it just frustrated me to think that my decisions are not truly my own. I choose, but only where on a blueprint I shall set my foundation. Almost the illusion of free will in how it's constricted...I don't know, maybe it isn't that bad.

Maybe our environment's choices are just tools we can use to express ourselves more completely. Maybe I'm just rambling on and the one unfortunate person reading this other than me is even more confused than me on this subject. Maybe I think too much. Maybe this is a symptom of why I can't have a normal conversation with people. Maybe I try to stay theoretical so stay away from the real. And the real is that I don't understand myself. I prefer dark to light, I try to love others but always try to hide my affection, I truly enjoy walking in nature but only allow it if I've exhausted myself running, I feel guilty if a teacher helps me a little in one class but willingly cheat in others, I want to find a woman to date but find actual intimacy something I prefer to push off, I want to grow closer to God but always seem to push Him off until tomorrow... The world seems to be a complex puzzle and the truth is that I am just one piece that doesn't belong anywhere. But unlike most people, I won't fit the mold. If I can't be me and fit well in the world then I shall be it's outlier, I will shine in all my contradictions and when the accusers finally turn to me I shall laugh and dance to the guillotine.

I haven't really lived a good full life but from what has filled my life up, I can say this much with confidence: I will never be happy unless I can relax. I can't relax unless I am myself. And finally, I have no idea who I am.

If this is my destiny than maybe I should accept it. Ugh, talk about the illusion of free will. "Destiny" "Fate" "Divine Plan" Ugh. If any of those cop outs exist, we would all do best to ignore them. If there is a divine plan and God chooses not to tell me about it, then clearly He wishes me to continue my current plan, yes? To submit one's will to a man is pitiful, to an idea...the most enslaving or emancipating thing that could exist. I can't decide which.

But look at all these thoughts, spilled out on the web as chaos. Is there form to this or is it free verse? Even I am trying to remember if there was a point to this other than to talk things out and read over it. And what about you? Yes, you. The one reader I have, why are you here reading. Did the title's implied theme of isolation draw you in hoping to hear that someone's feeling just like you? Or maybe you are bored at work or home and prefer to read this than to think about your life (reading random people's blogs at home...)? Or maybe I even told you about this blog and you think you'll learn more about me from it? Did it work?

Ruby Falls just came on Grooveshark. And suddenly the questions fade to my mind syncing with the melody. Then I look at the clock and think I should get a good night's sleep. And so I have been so easily contented. Is that how we live our lives? On the edge of true introspection only to be pulled out by all the sounds and stimulation of our environment? Is this how everyone lives and if so, why don't we push it all out? Is that why we hold on to our ipods so much? Why the TV in homes are never off. Why it is a social necessity to spend a lot of time with people to not be considered weird? Are we protecting ourselves from figuring out who we are or are just scared that we aren't the heroes in the story? We aren't the warm cuddly ball of sunlight the world orbits around. We are just people, there have been billions before us with dreams as big as ours and what have we seen from their labors? ...TV dinners? Rising rates of depression? Unstable consumption? Is that why we resonate so much with the Fall of Man story? Because secretly, we all know (though we shudder to admit) that we are not what was meant, we are not good, we are broken and yet have no way to fix ourselves.

I am James Hubbard and I am a waste of resources. There is no way to justify why the gallons of clean water spent to maintain my daily life could not go to others more needing and for that matter deserving. I will try to justify it through my quest to save the world. To bring these goods to those who could never pay for them. But like the main character in every good story, I have serious faults. I am not unique except in that I choose to embrace my mediocrity and yet will not settle for it. I will strive until the day I die, and for this, that day will come much sooner. I plan on failing my own plan to save the world from itself but I must still try. I must shake everyone out of the everyday. I must make people see that people across the world bleed just like their neighbors do.

People aren't supposed to think like this. This isn't true thought is it? No, it must be an ideology. And such a strange one. It would set any of its believers apart from others. So here I am, so far away from everyone...

"Who?" "Me" "Yeah, who?"

I don't know who I am or who I am going to be. It's irritating because I think I know more about who I am going to be than about who I am this, however, will only breed disappointment for me. Why can't I be the ideal person in my head? A smart, relaxed, person willing to help and love others achieve their goals? Because I am so concerned about my goals? I'll admit it. I'm an idealist and yes I want to change the world. At this point, please proceed to roll your eyes in the upward direction. Done? Well I'm still idealistic. I can't help it. I honestly want to change the world and I actually kind of think it's possible (crazy by my standards of what is a sane goal).

But already I'm trying to get away from the real issue. Did you see that? I almost went into a dream world where I change the world and try to figure out how to reach this world. I already know that though, go to bed. It's time to be real. I'm twenty years old and have tried to plan my life out until my mid thirties (at least). That is probably not good, I am constantly worrying about how to excel that it's occurred to me that I don't even care if I do succeed. I used to dream of changing the world, now I dream of laying on a couch. What kind of sick transition is taking place? I used to enjoy spending a lot of time with friends but now it's stuck to me that some how I am on a mission and they are inefficient and would only slow me down...ugh, what kind of dick am I becoming? I used to enjoy working out and bettering my body, now I only think about the wastes and constraints my body puts on me. And constantly, I am wondering about if breeding is really as important as society tells me it is. Being close to someone, I get that. Most people don't want to be alone and yet I find myself free in solitude. I can be me and not have to calculate the best ways to present myself or the best ways to get what I want from people. I can just be innocent when I am left alone. I used to think I knew who I was and who I was going to be. Now all I know is that I am me and that I probably need to sleep more.

Beams aren't the only things experiencing stress

I need to try to go into seclusion somewhere or something. For some reason, everyone expects something from me right now. I just want to collapse. I want to cut myself so I can show others that I bleed. It's probably my fault for being too ashamed of my weaknesses to show them to others but damn it, this is getting to be too much. What happened to the days when I'd offer crap like this up to God and acknowledge my weakness to Him? Somehow, it was refreshing...

Nowadays though, I can list my faults but all I hear is my own conviction telling me to be stronger, to not bother God. This must be sinful isn't it? To not share everything with my God? Especially my pain. If my beliefs are right, He even came down here to share in our pain and take it from us so we could be with Him more fully. So why am I unable to share it with Him?

As any reader may be thinking, yes I too believe it is my pride. My heart is dying but my brain is trying to wave off God saying "No problems here chief. You really should go see those other people, they are lost without you. They need you." Pride. I don't want charity from anyone. Even God Himself. I want to show that I can stand by myself, I don't need anyone to prop me up, I don't need His pity, just His salvation...from myself...hmm. Seems like I'm against the main points of Christianity. "We need Him, He came here to save us from our own sin" yada, yada, yada. I want to love Him and be loved by Him. But without Him saving me, I don't want a savior, I want a loving God. Someone I can walk with and talk to. Who I can admire as I walk through nature. Not someone I can hold myself up to as a measuring stick to see my own mediocrity. I know I'm flawed, but that doesn't mean I want a god whose main purpose is saving myself from my flaws.

Why is freedom so controversial? I just want to love God and come and go from His table as I please. Realizing I can't always be there, why do we have this restlessness in us that leads us to forsake our own God for the freedom to make atrocious decisions? I don't make sense. Why instead can't there be this great passiveness in me that just desires to submit my will to God? None of what's inside of me reflects the creation of something that a good god would make. Has the world corrupted me this much? Ugh...these people can ask things of me but they better be cautious. I'm trying to be loving and patient with them but now I'm about as likely to argue and yell at them just to release some of this frustration...but that's not good. I just need to run it off. That could do it. Ha, I'll do anything before I turn to God it seems...how sad.

Blood Guilt

"Coursing through life, knowing I have nothing to complain of.
But that doesn't free me from this hell, from the world that can't get enough. (my attempt at poetry)"

But I'm much better at typing out my thoughts. Speaking with a friend today, I couldn't even complain as he spoke of those that would love to have my problems. I realize I'm spoiled. Yes, I am from America. Yes, my country sucks up resources like that's its job. Yes, we are the root of any and every problem in the world...blah, blah, blah. I get it. But I think something a lot of people don't understand is that their country isn't any different. It's easy to complain of the injustices in life when you're weak. But when you're the strong, you can't and so must look at the truth and the truth is this. Everyone hates us and yet few of them realize we are the same as them. We are not bastards that enjoy hurting others. We love our friends and family like others but guess what, most of those people are in this country. Why should we do what is right when other countries only try to get ahead. Sure when you are weak it's easy to point out the faults of the strong but the fact is that the weak would do the same thing once strong. "Power corrupts" yeah? This isn't a justification. This is to open the eyes of the envious.

I should say to begin with, I hate my country. I do, honestly. I think we need to bleed, to remember we are human. Even our military is starting to forget that as we use drones to fight for us. We are desynthesized to ourselves. We know not what our body does as our eyes are glued to the TV. But that's the pathetic dream of countries, isn't it?

"One day, our people won't be forced to starve. No, no longer will we allow even our homeless to thirst. And for those who are willing to, well they will work. And no longer will we be limited in what goods will be made available to us. And our people will never be found wanting as we will make our country rich and our people educated."

It doesn't sound so bad when you write it out, just when you put it into practice. The fact is that when there are multiple countries striving for such a goal, there will be losers and for the most part, America has been a winner. But it is only when a man loses his dream that he sees the pointless of it. Well we haven't lost it yet. The worst thing happened to us, we are living the American Dream. And as we do, divorce rates rise, depression is running rampant, and the only way we know how to fix it is to work harder and buy more stuff. This is our hell. Africans thirst for water, we thirst for true life. Many would say "why won't you just help other countries or at least stop taking advantage of them" but that's how we were raised. Morality can't be in business, dirties the water too much. In business, you get the most you can while giving the least for the longest time line applicable to the situation. That is our code of honor and any other code can go fuck itself. This is America, and we are businessmen. Don't forget it, we will slit your throat before we will tell our children they can't buy the toy the neighbor got.

Pity us before you hate us. And I hope God can forgive me for living here but how can we escape? Is even moral to run from such a horrid country? What if I'm supposed to change it, save it? Not just me, but with others maybe I should try to save it. Damn, why do the other countries allow us to do this? If everyone constrained trade with us, if they just fought back the evils of our country instead of just bitching. O God we need something from the outside to save us, we need our tvs to show us the world we are shaping and the consequences of our actions...not Seinfeld.

But we aren't the only problem. our brothers from other countries profit from our addictions, that's why none of you will open our country's eyes isn't it? Yes you hate us, you critique us and yet if we changed and lived within our means the rest of the world would be screwed. We are the consumer and everyone is our producer. We are the only way everyone's economies can still grow. And so you sell us our sins and hate our guts. Like a moral slave trader: "I'm not the one enslaving them, I hate it. I'm just profiting from it. After all, someone's got to do it, right? I can't change it so I might as well fund my moral life with this blood money" That's what it is. "O those Americans are buying too much, they are raising the prices of food around the world causing starvation. Bastards!" And yet how hard would it be for the producers to just refuse us and sell food to the hungry at a lower price? O shit, yeah that's right. We aren't the only sinners here. And suddenly it seems all countries have had their hands bloodied by this "starvation" affair. Don't blame us only. We are all to blame, the world. We shouldn't buy and others shouldn't sell to us. But everyone's greed causes this disgusting world to continue the way it does. Everyone has blood on their hands. We just accept ours. God forgive us, sometimes we embrace it.

Righteous Anger

I want to feel it so bad. I need to run or something because for some reason I'm hoping someone will give me a good reason to be furious. Something to trigger me, to allow me to be completely venomous and have it justified. I'm so tired of giving others the other cheek. I want revenge for something that isn't mine to avenge. I need to be passionate for that which is allowable. I feel like I'm caged in this world.

I'm a savage, no reason to deny it. I have these desires that won't leave me. I want to fight, I want to hurt, I want to feel pain, I want to take, to die, to fuck, to cut through everyone's shit. I'm so fucking tired of this life and it's bullshit rules. Of being nice and being patted on the shoulder only to be pissed on the next moment. I know wielding my words as weapons can hurt others, but what if it frees me from this? I'm tired of the rules that come with civility. Fuck civilization. I want to fight and be killed in battle. I want to feel the animal God put in me run free and passionately. I need to so bad but when I look around, I see a bunch of caged animals whose eyes have lost the lust for life I barely possess. I need something. Like a lion needs a juicy prey to kill, a hunk of meat to just sink the teeth into. God I need that. Whatever that looks like. But instead all I see in my life is tv dinners, dreams replaced with kids, and the reverence for mediocrity. These animals forget they came from a line of beasts who used wits to survive and thrive among the most vicious in the land. We can be so much more but now here we are discussing how to best support the poor children in Africa, how to shelter the homeless, how to support the widows. Since when did we treat others as our pets to be taken care of? Is it love to treat others as our investments or pets? No. I think it's love to let others deal with their own problems instead of treating them like stupid children.

Is this behind my anger? I don't know. All I know is that I need these fists to meet something but at the same time I don't particularly want to hurt anyone, I just need to fight for something. This life is unacceptable. I am unacceptable.

Happiness? No thanks, I'm a realist.

So I've been thinking about happiness recently. What makes us happy, why it does, who are we if we aren't people chasing happiness...it was interesting. I don't think I'll be original in any way, even if I came to certain conclusions on my own but I feel I can express my thoughts. So unfortunately, I think there are many ways to become happy (just as many to become sad).

One of the biggest ways I think someone can be happy is to have really low standards for themselves...in everything. This may lead to them not reaching their "full potential" but that's not the goal I was looking to achieve in this thought experiment. Most of my misery and happiness both stem from how I perceive I am doing in accordance to my goals. If I'm right on course, I'll be content. If I'm behind, I'll be sad. If I'm ahead, I'll be happy. So the lower my standards, the higher chance I'll be happy I suppose. The only problem is that as we become happier, I'd imagine the standards we hold ourselves to will naturally become harder to achieve since we can obviously handle the current goal set with ease.

So in this sense, happiness can't happen in the long run. It is only a short term thing, a moment's glory before you go back to rowing in the galley that is life. I don't think sadness is a long term thing either for the same reason. Unless there is a chemical imbalance in the person I suppose, then either can probably be long term. But overall, I think the only thing we can be in the long run is content.

This can be applied to religious happiness too. O, well I shouldn't say it that way. Most religious people are almost offended by the term "happiness" in reference to religion. I'll use words like "grace", "fulfillment", and "filled with the Hold Spirit" but really I think it's all happiness just through different venues. It too goes away. Whenever I see myself growing closer to God and am hap... feeling "full of grace" I notice that my expectations for myself religiously also get higher to where I eventually fail or barely meet them and thus become religiously content.

Another thing that helps support that it is a purely internal thing based on our expectations of ourselves is the way we feel about the external world. I remember reading the results of a survey where most people preferred to have $100,ooo a year while their friends got $75,000 as opposed to the person and their friends both getting $150,000 (neglecting inflation and blah, blah, blah). When I read this I thought "Man, we all are a bunch of jerks, look at this. An honest survey of people saying they want more power and wealth than their friends, even if it costs them money in absolute terms.

I think this report is key. The absolutes of our lives don't matter. What matters is our perception of how we are doing. And if you are getting more money than the people you know, you're doing better than most people, and that's a reason to be happy right? Pathetic. This breaks down in a large picture though. Example, America versus ALL of Africa. We rape them in terms of money, power, technology, and even bare necessities. The average person in America is doing so much better than the average person in Africa. But this doesn't make us happier. All it does is cause us to dissociate with "those people" ugh, watch out, that orphan probably has AIDS. That's us. The U.S. It doesn't make us happier, why? Because in our own country we see those who are richer and more famous than us so we push ourselves and grimace at the sad predicament we are in only getting a new car every five years while some punk African kid we don't care about dies of thirst. Well he probably deserved it, don't worry about it. Their closer to animals than people, right? How else could they live in such conditions? So we stop worrying about them.

An interesting side note is that those who are wealthy in our nation aren't any happier, after all, their expectations of life have raised so it is much easier to be depressed than happy. That's us, that is life. I think we all need to abandon happiness.

This whole Lent thing

So I started out trying to post six posts a week during Lent (break on Sunday). As I'm sure it can be noticed, I have failed at that. I don't think it was a good goal though it had good intentions. Having me try to come up with something I care about religiously everyday (as it comes up) is hard and it leads to me reducing quality to increase quantity (at least I think that's what has happened). I don't care if I have hundreds of posts here if they're crap so I've decided to drop that Lent goal because I really don't think it would be good to continue it.

It was not to be

So I ended up not getting the job at the camp I was applying for. That irritates me but I suppose just trusting that God knows best is the best strategy. It just bothers me though because I interned there last summer and I knew the guy who didn't employ me. I don't hold it against him but I don't like that his honest opinion of me was that I wouldn't really be able to handle week after week of kids. O well though.

I'm looking for internships now and starting to suspect that I will have to get one that doesn't pay. Ugh. Maybe I sound spoiled or something but I had assumed internships got paid for the most part (especially for engineering).

Isolation

This past week has been my spring break and during it I have gone away from God. Not through malicious means or anything. It's just that I haven't been pursuing Him but instead spent the week doing fun secular things. Which doing such things is fine if you actually set some time for God. But I didn't. I need a schedule.

That doesn't seem to be a good sign though. That I have to schedule time for God. It makes time with God less natural, like it's forced. But then again: isn't it?

Best Translation Ever

I was at an old friend's house yesterday when she showed me a version of the bible made for children. It seemed interesting so I read its version of the fall. It was amazing. The book got rid of the crap that we think is important but really isn't. Example, God didn't tell Eve she had to submit to her husband in this version. Instead the big focus was on how these two friends of God were tricked into doubting how God felt about them. The lie used by the serpent was "God doesn't love you as much as you think He does." I love it.

This lie is the basis for most if not all sin I think. We are unsure of if God really has our best interests in mind. From this fear, we desire power, security, and most of all independence from God. We can't trust Him so we wish to no longer need Him. If only we could love and trust in God as children do. Then we would have no more sin in the world.

In case you didn't know, the bible is not God

I feel like most of my christian friends need to be told this. The bible is an amazing book with the word of God in it (supposedly). But the word of God does not equal God. The bible shouldn't be worshiped as it is in some churches. Despite it being divinely inspired, it was written by man so worshiping it would be idolatry to an extent. Which as the bible points out, is a sin. People, it is just a book. Possibly the greatest book ever written and a book that has changed man forever but still it is not a god.

It is more of a written explanation of how and why Jesus led the life that He did. So instead of basking in its greatness, maybe we should actually strive to live christ-like lives instead of just talking and reading about this book.

I think this is a serious problem in Christianity. We all talk about what is just and write and quibble over different parts of the bible. Meanwhile some atheist out somewhere is actually doing some community service and helping the world. But naturally the atheist is going to hell, that bastard. He doesn't know anything about Christ. I bet he doesn't even know who wrote the four gospels. But let me be honest to my christian brothers, he knows and understands more of Christ than most christians do.

Stop talking and start doing.

What are we living for?

Have you ever thought how meaningless life would be if God wasn't in it? For example, if we all just died and that was it, morality would be relative and helping people or indulging yourself would both be pointless in the long run. Sure you could help someone feel better by giving them shelter but in the end we would all still die. What would be the point of saving someone from a fire if they will merely disappear into nothingness in twenty years instead of right then? Without God so much, no everything, doesn't matter. Yet, do I live my life that way? No.

This theoretical talk is nice and all but it doesn't reflect how I feel. Sure it reflects how I think but it doesn't effect my actions as much as it should. I suppose that's sin. It's simple and yet so easy for me to forget. Constantly I need to remind myself just how little everything and one (including myself) would matter if it wasn't for God. I suppose I need to be more grateful.

We all try to be God

We all try to be God. And it's actually not necessarily a bad thing. I'd imagine there may be some question marks floating in your head over that last comment so let me explain.

People have always tried to be their own gods. Even Adam and Eve who saw and knew the true god still indulged in this sinful thinking. Why? Everyone wants to be secure and most want to be self sufficient. This leads us to sin because we choose to rely and trust in ourselves more than God. We try to be the Father. That is sinful and this is the type of god we strive to be most of the time because it's the most materialistic version of god.

But there are two other sides of God aren't there? As shown by Adam and Eve, striving to be like the Father is sinful. Jesus however is the perfect model of God for us. What makes Jesus so amazing? His unbelievable faith/trust in the Father as well as His complete love for us. The Father gave us Jesus, not only for our salvation, but also to show us what a proper godlike life for man would look like. So Jesus is the god type of complete faith, trust, and forgiveness. Also, He is untainted by materialism but actually says it is a false god that we must be against to be with the true god.

Last, there is the Holy Spirit. I believe it is good to strive to be like it as well though the example may prove harder to follow. The Spirit inspires people. It also grants us many graces but the main thing we could imitate from it is to inspire others to live and follow as Christ would wish us to. From what I can gather that is its main purpose and any who strive to be like it need to strive to achieve that goal.

So, people seem to strive to be the most like the Father but that is sinful because we are not wanting to follow Him...just replace Him...with ourselves. This is shown through the pride we have in our own tools, our reluctance to "give it all to God"(including our struggles), our (at least my) inability to imagine God will interfere with life, our constant and universal view that we know what is best and our constant attempts to mold the world the way we want it.

Instead, we should strive to be like Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The two of them have something huge in common that we need to implement into our own lives (I think). The Holy Spirit glorifies the Son and inspires us to grow closer to Him. The Son glorifies the Father and shows us the perfect model for growing closer to Him. Both the Holy Spirit and Jesus are humble. They allow themselves to take secondary roles to another part of the trinity. They are willing to not be the center of our attention but instead try to help us focus on their beloved counterparts. That is godlike to me. To not care if everyone sees me but to care that they see God through me.

Why "by faith alone" irritates me

I think for the most part it is just how we all define faith that leads to so many divisions among christians.

Catholics say faith and good works. To us faith is believing that yes in fact Jesus is God and did some awesome stuff for us, blah, blah, blah. But this definition of faith has no action, just personal beliefs. The good works come from living out the faith we have. What point is there in believing in an amazing love that God has for us and then only work for our own good? If someone believes in something it should be apparent in the person's life, shouldn't it? That would be good works, the tougher level of faith. It's easy to say a horse will win but much harder to believe it enough to gamble on it. That's what good works can be. When someone believes enough in God to bet on Him and His ways.

My ignorance will now have to show itself because I'm not sure what all the schisms and different beliefs of the protestants are. From what I can gather though, their beliefs aren't that different. Faith is a broader definition to them incorporating the good works I was alluding to in the paragraph above. They also speak much of grace. I don't quite understand this though to be honest. I always thought of grace as a gauge or the symptom of how close we are to God. If we are pursuing God and doing what we believe is His will, we will be gifted with grace. This is mainly an internal thing I'd imagine but I don't know. Also, a lack of grace would come from sin, thus Mary was "full of grace" since she was a devoted handmaiden of God. So I think the protestant version of faith is quite compatible with the catholic form except that they incorporate good works into their working definition.

But I'm sure they would disagree. For some reason, protestants (at least the one's I know) quiver with religious fury if I mention good works and rant on how we can't earn our way into heaven. Which is an interesting way to look at the belief. It's a twisted form of the action but I can see their point. But there is a difference in doing stuff for your parents from love and gratitude and doing stuff for them so they will be indebted to you. Protestants claim the catholic belief is the latter but that is silly. A god that created everything and everyone, the stars to the atom, will not be able to be indebted to us. We can't do anything that could possibly make Him "owe" us. It's just not possible. We are doing works in a world He created, for someone He created, and He is above all of this. He can not be hurt by us no more than we can be hurt by plankton. So with no real power comparatively, how will I ever owe plankton? So obviously the idea is silly to have that we will "earn" our way into heaven when we all deserve hell. That is the place we have all earned. So with something this simple to see, why do protestants think the catholic church, the mother of their own churches, the church that was able to lead men to Christ for thousands of years (okay...only two), the most stable body of Christ, could be so foolish as to think they can make God owe them? Do they think we are that blind or dim-witted? I hope not...

Investigative Journalism

I need to examine my life and see where the sin is popping up. Where its origin is from because it certainly is coming from somewhere quite strong. Is it my pride? What of my lust? No, my lust is probably a symptom of my desire for control and security in another aspect of my life. Pride seems big. It seems to fuel my belief that I can be in control, that I can make myself secure without anyone's aid. But this isn't true, it's a lie. Nothing can secure me in this world. Job endured hell and all he relied on was his innocence. We are to completely trust in God, even as we die from horrors.

God, Listen Up

Let's be honest shall we? You and I are acquaintances aren't we? The type of friends that speak well of each other but can't speak personally to each other or about each other. I never seem to see you around in my day to day life. If I ever do, it has to be in some dusty book you let some bros make for you. Some call it your love note to us but I don't want a love note from someone I don't know and a love note isn't going to tell me who you are. Get in my life. Help me to do the things that you like so I can break free of these things keeping me down. Put me in a desert because I won't go willingly. I need you to be my only oasis, not just another spring. Why is it that you have the living water that will make me never thirst and yet I must continuously go to you to quench myself. Are you the living water or just another water? Sure your cleaner but you seem to last just as long. Am I just not savoring you enough? Answer me por favor, I'm tired of praying only to hear the echoes of silence.

Irritating Intolerance by Ignorance

I'm not sure if I've ever explicitly mentioned it in this blog but I am Roman Catholic. That means that I am hated slightly less than Atheists, hated as much as Mormons and hated slightly more than any fire and brimstone baptist by most Protestants. This is a problem. It is also quite irritating to hear from some Protestants that I am in fact, not even Christian...

Don't worry, I'm not going to spend time defending Catholicism from such charges on this blog. It would take time and wouldn't change anyone's mind anyway, so what would the point be? Instead, I'd rather share my frustration in being interviewed for an Episcopal camp and receiving this question: "So James, you seem to want to pursue God through reason and even hold discussions with Atheists and fellow Christians to pursue truth. But it says here you are Roman Catholic, how did you ever become so driven for Jesus and scripture if you grew up Catholic?"

There's no reason to mention all the expletives that may or may not have ran through my head that this man would seriously ask this question in earnest. Well to be fair, there weren't any really, just supreme surprise that he would seriously ask that. Why do we do this to each other? How is it that we can all make assumptions about each others faiths based on denomination? Ugh, I'm so tired of fighting this Protestant arrogance to Christ. I've been questioned so many times from so many of them why don't I become Protestant. The attitude that "You are pursuing Christ but James, you will NEVER find Him in the Catholic Church. We have the answers though. We can give you the relationship with Jesus you've been searching your whole life for." Please, don't give me such a promise only to try to fulfill it by joining your church. The belief that Protestants have the only access to salvation because they have the only true connection with Jesus is ridiculous. The higher churches are bastardizations of the Roman Catholic Church and the lower churches are bastardizations of those and each other. And as I type type this I even think: "How is what you're saying different from what they are saying?" And you know what, it isn't. I won't delete it though, so the reader can see my own error but at least I'm here owning up to it. Ugh, I hate such religious arrogance. I really do. Sorry if this blog was a pure vent session but at least I'm addressing an issue all Christians are in on.

Congrats to my atheist friend

Last night I was procrastinating which took the form of me on facebook chatting. I don't usually do this because it takes up a lot of time and I usually end up talking to people who I probably will never actually see again. But time had to die so I ended up chatting with the president of the SSA and she came out of the theist closet this weekend in regards to her parents. I suppose until then they thought she was just a slack christian.

It could have gone better for the poor gal. Her mom starting crying followed by arguing with her daughter about how God must exist because the flowers and cats of the world are so lovely (I suppose the idea that evolution can't create beauty...). But that was tame compared to her dad asking her how could she be atheist and then yelling about how atheists had no morals and just did whatever they wanted. Afterwords, they calmed down and watched Fox news. I'm not joking, she told me they watch it religiously, that's just the type of family she comes from, ultra christian and ultra conservative. I listened (I suppose I actually "read") her story and then commented back that though it was tough on her, I was proud of her.

That's probably the first time I ever said I was proud of someone. Usually I keep my pride for myself. But that was an immense fear she met and dealt with, I feel like she deserved any and all recognition. It wasn't odd to me that I praised her on her admission to being an atheist though. While I may prefer her to be christian (not much preference though to be honest), overall I really prefer her to be what she says she is. Truth is what she upheld though it was hard for her. That's admirable since I get the feeling sometimes that there are a lot of christians who just go through the motions and don't believe a word of it. So why do they do it? Fear.

Being atheist means being ostracized by the theist world in most cases. Or being befriended only to be challenged. Some just don't want to deal with it (especially from their loved ones) so they just say they're theists. That's not honest though, that's dodging the repercussions of your beliefs. True she started an atheist organization and became president of it before she even admitted it to her parents, but at least she did do it. I also think it's healthy for her to see that not all christians see such a thing as bad but rather as freeing and good.

We are all trying to figure out what's true in the world and if any religion has any weight but none of us truly know. That's why faith and belief are emphasized so much. So that makes it so important to certainly question, but above all respect, the beliefs of others. Because we are all really guessing here.

Is not caring the trick?

I have a lot of atheist friends. I enjoy spending time with them. At times, they are much more enjoyable to spend time with than my christian friends. I don't really care that they are atheists, though I do mind their character flaws that I believe may have some sort of cause and effect relationship with their atheism. But for some reason, I really don't care if they get "saved" or not. Maybe that's the sign of a bad friend but I'd prefer to just not bother with it. Don't get me wrong though, we talk about religion a lot. Usually it's more tongue in cheek on their end but still there are some serious conversations. Also, I like going to the SSA. There are some issues I have with some of them that again I believe probably stems from a lack of faith in a god (for one thing the pride can be ridiculous in some of them), but for the most part I enjoy listening to their critiques of my religion and arguing different points about a god that may or may not exist.

It must be dull for the reader at this point in time...the author doesn't seem to have much of a point does he? Well I'm getting to it and here it is: a lot of my christian friends don't have any atheist friends, at least not close friends. While a lot of my closer friends that I've had for years are either atheist or not really theist. Why? On my christian friends' side, I don't think they actually want atheist friends. They might say they do and even get atheist friends but they won't let them get close to them (too many pronouns James...). Or maybe the atheists would be pushed away by the concerned friend's attempt to save their soul. That's a common complaint I hear at the SSA, that their christian friends can't be real with them because the friends are too busy trying to save them and don't really want to be friends but instead want to play missionary. This is bad and I totally agree with the atheists. The christians may have good intentions but they aren't respecting the atheist's religious (of lack there of) beliefs.

I suppose that's where I differ. Not necessarily that I respect their beliefs (though I usually do) but more of there's nothing arguing is going to accomplish. Also, I'd rather live a life that showed them Christ as opposed to arguing if the guy exists or not. Especially since a lot of atheists have been christians at one point in time, so you're not going to blow their minds about Jesus saving them. But a lot of them were repelled by the hypocrisy they saw in the church and all the "good christians" doing bad things. Instead of preaching to them, I'd prefer to hangout with them. If they decide to come to me about it, that's cool. If not, whatever (again, I may not be the best friend with this mentality but at least I can be one).

Broken Bell

Many gather round the church following the sounds of bells. Such sonorous songs come from them that even the wicked will walk forth to go to their temple. But one such bell is now cracked. He dares not tell the others and yet they know from his corrupted message that soon he will break. Solace can’t be given to one such as a broken bell. Once perfect and without error, now with a mere hairline fracture. But all know the hairline grows and with every time he talks, the crack grows and his message wanes. No one can save him in his condition. The healers of his age dare not risk going to such a high place only to be cast down by the twisted message this bell now tolls. And so he is left to his ailment, and all the other bells listen in pity.

Who’s that? A lost sheep sheepishly walks into the church drawn by the bell. He has been there only once before but swore never to come again. Somehow the bell’s toll brought him but why? The bells he had always heard called the rich or holy. They gave a message of no tolerance for mistakes, no questions that are taken seriously, and no doubt that was substantial would be accepted at that church. The bells seemed elitist to those they did not call. So high in their towers, seeming to not even be touched by original sin, they sent out their immaculate message to all of those arrogant enough to believe the message was for them. The message was clear and need not be rung out of them twice, “If you follow your Lord and are without blemish, you are welcome here.” The poor were not welcome and the humble were despised. This place was for the hypocrites and self-righteous. That is what the bells had always told and so the poor in spirit remained so, the people who mourned went uncomforted, the meek remained downcast, the ones searching for righteousness never found it, the merciful were shown only contempt, the clean of heart were despised, the peacemakers were butchered by war, and everyone was persecuted for the sake of self righteousness. All these troubles sprang from the church who failed in its part.

So why did this new man come in? With his callused hands and worn clothes, with his broken heart he soon made new foes. All those in the church welcomed him but dropped the façade once they saw he was neither rich nor righteous. And so they asked the man, “Why are you here? What brought you to us that your sin may infect us? Was it the devil? You will not succeed here demon, we have learned the true message of the Lord. One should not be charitable just as our Lord was when Mary poured the perfume over His feet. He explained to us that we will always have the poor and so should instead enjoy our riches as opposed to wasting them on the poor. So if you were hoping for alms you are mistaken, we won’t help you for we are good Christians.” The poor man, barely lifting his eyes up to meet theirs agreed, “Aye, it is well known throughout the land that you Christians are not charitable and even as I speak the word you cringe. Trust me, I never planned to come here again after the hostility you showed my dying sister. She dreamed that your lord could accept her into his arms as she departed this world for the next one. Though we warned her of your ways she was certain this Christ figure was true but then you corrected her. You had her imprisoned and beaten for trying to ‘guilt’ you into sharing your faith on charges of ‘trespassing’ and there she died, in prison. I never planned on seeing any of you bastards again but still I came because I had hoped your message had changed. One of your bells is broken. It rings of love, and mercy, and hope to those courageous enough to believe. But that’s not all, as it has degraded further, it now speaks of a church were doubts are welcome and questions answered. It speaks true to that which all of us have been secretly needing in our lives. What was once clamorous exclamation of your perfection has now become a mellifluous invitation to those who are broken and are seeking fulfillment. Admittingly, against my better judgment I came here hoping the message was true. I see it was not though, thank you.” And so the man left the church, and it was credited to him as righteous.

After this uncomfortable display of hope, the parishioners spoke amongst themselves. First they had to address how arrogant that man was for hoping for a better afterlife when they, the best and purest, were uncertain themselves. Then their priest soothed any doubts they had talking of God’s chosen ones and how they were obviously those spoken of, the world had given its bounty to these saved men and women as proof. Not to mention that their savior, their king, suffered the life of poverty and the sinful influence of despicable affiliations for their sake. He did this so they wouldn’t have to. All they were required to do is accept Jesus as their savior and accept His life as sinless despite his low friends and lower social status. After this though, the priest spoke of the “possessed” bell and how it must be disposed of. Clearly the broken bell was the work of the devil and thus they must cast it off from their infallible church. And so they did, they cast it off from its high tower and it broke to pieces as it fell upon the rocks below. As it broke, the bell let out its worse chord yet and the priest had to cleanse those present but so loud was it that all in the land heard the fateful bells chord. The blasphemy was “God is selfless love”

After all the pieces were collected and thrown into the trash pile, the poor man came back drawn by the bell’s last message. He saw the remains of it and resolved to never let it be silenced. And so he took all the pieces and crudely put it back together again. This bell was to call those to the church he now built as it proceeded to do for years and years to come. And so it seems that in the bell’s brokenness, the message was finally made whole.