We're all spectators

Hey, I haven't written in a while. That's not because I haven't had time but more of I've become quite the sloth since winter break began. Anyway, while I have been lazy and slack I realized something. Most people are spectators. And I am for the most part. When we come home and watch T.V., we are watching others fight battles or persuade lovers or win gambles that we have never tried. Why? Why aren't we out trying to change the world, to make a difference, why aren't we winning to take the risks in life?

Sure we all take small risks, but few people are brave enough for the real ones. Sure we can ask girls out, or fight a bully, or maybe even invest (dear heavens!) but what are these things? Why is it that most people are willing to watch others take risks? Why don't we take them ourselves?

I'm tired of it. I feel like any day I could snap and actually try to make a difference. And when I wonder why I don't you know what's running through my mind? Fear. Isn't that pathetic? Fear of failing and having all the spectators laugh, having all of them show their children the intelligence in just sitting around waiting and watching. Fear of telling myself that I should know my place and realize that there is no way one person can make a difference so why try. That's what we all tell ourselves isn't it? "Just one man can't do anything" It's bullshit. This world would be so fascinating if we could all stop watching T.V. and start living our lives. Imagine a world where the most interesting show is the news because all these people decided to actually do something. And better yet, while being the most interesting, it doesn't even get watched much. Only enough to where people know what else needs fixing.

That's the man I need to be. I'm tired of being a spectator.

What are we waiting for?

Death is everywhere. The interesting thing though is that everyone is still alive. We are the walking dead. Animated only by some unseen strings, we puppets try to figure out why we are here and who we are putting a show on for. Ha, well some of us do. The others try to love their life. But trying to love in this fake plastic world with our fake plastic love, well...we break by the banality of it all.

So let's stop trying to cut the strings and finally see where they want to lead us. And let's love fully, but not the people that are our friends and family...that's meaningless since love in that since is somewhat a long term self interest (loving that which/who pleases you). That's it, isn't it? Lost in our fake world, strangled by the strings we ignore, they become nooses. And as we pull away from them, slowly all of our love and hope dies. We need to submit to the nooses, allow them to kill us. We need only to stop struggling to see that they are just strings...but enough of this extended metaphor, I'm sure the one or two people that decided to read this are already tired of it.

A toaster has value only in it's master's estimation of it/ how well it serves it's master. Are we much different in that respect? I think not. So let's try to follow our God without getting burnt. "What are we waiting for?" Don't just think I'm putting that at the end of the post to be clever because it is the title. Honestly, what are we waiting for? Any religious person should be pursuing their god completely if they have any faith at all. So what's holding us back?

Everything Starts Today

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me. I feel I should admit that. I'm not sure my friends understand that sometimes. Spending time helping others leaves you unprepared. But even if you plan your life, that's nothing. From what I can tell Napoleon was one of the best tacticians. His plans were brilliant and yet a silly winter in Russia threw off his entire war. We are so powerless and yet we think ourselves master's of our own destinies. Even including God, we think it'll be easy because He'll just say what's next...but that doesn't have to happen. I have a bad plan at best, a failure in the works at best. I'm not even happy about where my plan will lead me...

So what's my plan out of the current one? No clue. I hope to eventually find whatever it is that makes me happy. Whatever it is that God fashioned me for. But as I look at my gifts, I think more and more that I was built for the purpose of fixing the world and the screwed up people in it. Of course, this is silliness. How can one man change the world when he himself is not perfect? But through my brokenness I will show the world just how lost we are. I feel the world needs to see a beautiful satire of itself. Only then will the people be horrified by what they have become. Colbert is convincing the nation to be more liberal through his awful representation of a conservative, Swift stirred up trouble with the modest proposal, so maybe I should become a powerful political man. Maybe I should strive to be rich and then become a satire of what this world tells us to be.

Have you ever heard of what happens to most of the people who win the lottery? Their lives go to crap. Usually the people site winning the money as the turning point of their lives. The only ones that really seem to do well are the ones who base the quality of their lives on other things like family or religion. Which makes sense to me because if your main goal in live is to get rich and then you achieve your main life goal...what the heck do you do then? Die? We have to be willing to lose, to die, for something greater than ourselves. Otherwise, what's life but just us waiting patiently for death. No, I need to find something to be lost in, to submit my will completely to. And once I find it, I must be strong enough to pursue it to whatever conclusion comes..."on a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero" (Fight Club).

So let's figure out what's worth dying for, and then prepare to be willing to sacrifice ourselves. Let's begin anew, all the mistakes and foolish sacrifices to our morals can be forgotten if we forgive ourselves. So let's forgive...everything starts today.

I need something more

If you have not heard The Bravery's (a band) song "Believe," I suggest you youtube it. That song describes how I'm feeling right now. I've been hiding from while God while waiting for a sign from Him. I've been waiting...forever. The days pass by, tick tock, what are we waiting for? I need some passion, I gotta feel pain. Haha, just yesterday I felt like crap from a girl situation and here I am asking for more, come now God, you created a broken soul that can take the pain you need to inflict on this broken world. We will fix it, but first you need to fix me. The fear is in me, the doubt is bending it's knees prepared to pounce on my patience in hearing your word.

O God, I need more pain. You know I'm too stubborn to learn while I'm happy. Ha, and if I crack? Ha, what if soon my mind is lost? Pleasure, drinking, sex, and pride completely set loose upon this world. You know what the I think the worst trick the devil ever played on us was? He told us we deserve to be happy. That we are entitled to it and if we don't get it, we should fight for it.

That's bullshit. We don't deserve to be happy. And so what if God would like us to be happy? Before that, He would want us to pursue Him and at first that sucks. Haha, it totally blows at first. And sure we will want to turn back to our guilty pleasures: to our video games, our music, our exercising, our friendships, our families, and our desire to get good grades. It may sound odd but none of those things have value in themselves alone. None of us have value in ourselves. DO YOU HEAR ME? We don't matter except in our connection to God. So video games, do they bring you closer to God, doubtful so get rid of it. Drinking? What about your friends? "Well they don't bring me further away from God..." Haha, if they don't actively bring you to God, then the opportunity cost of being with them is enough to leave them.

This life is so completely pointless and pathetic unless it is devoted to God. Our other pursuits are us merely twiddling our thumbs until we die. That being said, I do not go to a mountain top to pray and read the Bible everyday. That's for a few reasons:

1) I am ridiculously weak-willed. I know what is required of me but can not do it...I hold onto my favorite sins like a drowning man to a thrown life float. So don't think I'm some self righteous guy, instead think of me as a self aware hypocrite. I'm so diluted but one day I hope to sift through the crap in my life and have only the important things left, I need to be baptized by fire, by pain, by sacrifice, if I'm too weak I'll need to be baptized through death, it'll be the only way I can master the mind (without the flesh).

2) Society can bring you closer to God... not my society, but in general it's neutral on the subject I'd think. Plus, I can help people in their problems and in growing closer to God. In turn others (usually a lot more people then the number I help) have to pour into me so that my faith isn't so empty.

3) Even to go on the mountain top requires more faith than I have. O God, what I I don't find you there? Should I look for you in the desert where the Israelite Moses spoke to you? Or possibly to the middle of the oceans where no industrial noises will disturb my pitiful prayers? Ugh, or should I look in the gutters of the most sloven cities to see your children look up at me and in them I see you? Or maybe in the African villages where I can see men interact with your world as they should, not as they have. O God, but what if I don't see you in any of those places? I shall simply collapse and secretly hope that in the fallen state I'm in you will approach me, that the predator becomes the prey.

Maybe it seems like I'm rambling and raving. Well, that wouldn't be that far off probably...

Journal Entries Cont.

Journal Entry: 2/24/09

Today was Fat Tuesday. I celebrated by not running and eating some cake. Starting tomorrow I plan to:
1) Run at least 5km. everyday (except Sunday)
2) Refrain from any sweets or baked goods.
3) Not play video games until homework is done (I was quite the gamer back in the day).
4) Use the internet only for e-mail and facebook (by this time, facebook became the way most people communicated online)
5) In general, try to remember to workout my upper body.
I also have been desiring to date a Miss Holder but I find getting her alone to ask quite hard if not completely impossible...
Obama spoke today but I'm not sure if I like what he said. He mentioned trying to get most to every American a degree of some sort but I ask you: If everyone is educated, who will pick up the trash or flip the burgers? Education is good but some people do have to do the crap jobs no matter how high the education level of society is (unless robots could replace them...). I just don't to want to trust him, that's what keeps a republic working properly (suspicion in leaders).
I think I would like to hold an office of some public job (senator).

2/25/09

Today is Ash Wednesday. I was hungery but I lived. I've been wondering why I've been depressed lately and I think it may have to do with my lack of faith in Christianity. Right now, I believe God exists without a shadow of doubt but how will I feel in a week or two? Why is it that with religion, it's all black and white? Either you are a good soul searching for God or you're a stain of sin upon the world. It's always one thing or the other. Do you have faith? Y/N, Do you go to mass? Y/N, Are you a good person? See this question leaves the arena of religion and so the answer can be gray. I was talking to Virginia (a friend) today about how Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all worship the same god. She was perplexed however to why worshipers of the same god would kill each other over religion. But I believe the reasoning behind the holy wars was the same as those that started the wars from the Reformation. And that reasoning is that while we worship the same god, you worship him incorrectly so either change your ways or die (you may not like me now, but it's for the good of your soul). Or maybe it was merely political agendas given the luxury of riding a wave of fanatic religious beliefs. I wonder how I would react to knowing exactly when I would die (and how).

Mad World

This song always calms me. I feel like I've been living in this mad world for far too long. And yet I have so much farther to go. How should I measure it? By how much I grow per year? I did that when I was a teenager, now I realize that the world has found something much more important to measure me by, money.

The piano plays in the background as all ears are truly on the singer speaking what we know to be true but refuse to believe about our lives (seriously, if you haven't listened to this song, now's the time).

My life has past the twenty year mark. That means will this body has been conscious, the Earth has revolved around the Sun in its orbit twenty times. What do I care about that? Every way we measure ourselves fails miserably. But we can't stop it. How does the age of a stream of consciousness describe the depth said consciousness is willing to delve or how understanding it is of the world around it?

How will Death find me? I feel like I will welcome him. No, I will not be hospitable, we have to go, we have to leave this mad world. Why can I feel for others but they don't understand? Love is in all of us but why is it so distorted? Even the selfless are confused by each other. Does God want me to be happy? Since when have I mattered?

The individual is nothing. Yet for some reason, part of me dies at the thought that's true. We are only valued by God. Jesus is supposed to have come for the human race, not for the individual. Sure we are all in that and yet so much is lost in the thought. We are not unique, He saved all of us. God values us as all the same, His creations. We have had a blanket of mercy thrown over all of humanity, yet what if I wish to be cold? Jesus has saved me, but from my own choices. His salvation is to forgive my own individual will. "Is that what God wants, well maybe I'll try something else," we all make this choice everyday (unless I suppose you are ignorant of God or His will). Freewill not being given over to God, that is the root of all sin. And why do we do this, pride?

The angels had it easy. O to just decide once and for eternity if I wanted God's way or my own, how beautifully simple. But no, we must choose Him every single day. Naturally, we will fail in this aspect. But we must try. "And what if after a life of trying He still does not accept us?" Well, again, since when have you mattered? Would life be so much sweeter without God? Would the forbidden fruit stimulate you enough to forget the one who begot you?

Maybe, but brother, if that's the way you decide to go...feast on the fruit for with God there should never be moderation. Let me die, let the hedonist live. This life has shown me nothing spectacular unless I could attach a meaning to it. Even the beautiful sunsets, the virtuous women who give you hope of an actual happiness on earth, the ocean, the children who laughter fills the voids in the house and our hearts, the eternal darkness punctured by the purest light of stars, and our dear fathers and their struggles (good or bad) to maintain their sanity in this world; all of these things mean nothing, are empty unless there is something behind them...possibly a single object they all concentrate to point to. I will wait to die Lord, but help me at least to pick up the remains of my friends and put them back together again. Also, if you see fit, heal me. I've always been proud of my brokenness and my ability to hold all the shards together but enough is enough. I'm done, yes that's right, my individuality doesn't have to go on. Ugh, I'm already tiring of myself. Purge me of this, I wish to be extreme Lord. Let the sacrifice required of a kamikaze be regarded as nothing to me if it will further your will, but before this please clearly tell me what that even is.

Journal Entries

I found my old journal (that I started senior year of high school). I didn't write much into it so I thought since this is essentially my journal now and it had religious stuff into it, I should write it here. There are a few of these though (sevenish).

Intro:

This is the journal of James H-'s thoughts. If he is not dead, don't read this or you may consider yourself dead in his eyes for your lack of respect towards his wishes.

If however, James H- is dead when this is found, please enjoy the thoughts and daily activities of a person who once read this exact line but is no longer here. It is sad but this stupid sentence may outlive its author...(I was a little dramatic at times in this journal...)

J1: 2/23/09 (it's past midnight...)

This is my first entry. I'm not too sure why I bought this journal. I suppose so that if I were to die, some part of me may live on to comfort my family and friends...let's begin.
I had an interesting run today. I ran to the Old Wando (an old high school in the area) and ran 12 laps during which time I prayed. I prayed to Mary, all the saints, and all the angels to do what they could for me (whether it be action or prayer) as well as to each part of the Holy Trinity. But don't think I am some saint, I merely realize how bad I am and wish to improve.
I finished "David Copperfield" today. It was an okay ending but I prefer the sad ones. The endings Steinbeck gives. I'm still thinking about what I want to give up for Lent.

P.S.- If you're reading this because I'm dead, please give all my video game stuff to Brett J- and the rest to my brother, Brad H-, with the promise that it will go into funding or aiding in some way his invention. It is sad to think my days are as numbered as the entries I make now...
"So it goes." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Why I believe theism is as logical as atheism

I received a facebook message from an atheist friend of mine about my thoughts on Russell's teapot and in general with his belief that religion demands evidence of the empirical sort while atheists wait. The following is my (admittingly) long winded response:

"I have heard of it before, yes. I think it's a fun jab at religion but nothing any religious person would ever stumble over. First, making up some trite example that fits how some atheist views religion should not be equated to religious belief unless merely for entertainment/ silly mockery. It's equating something too trivial to something too important so while it is easy to discount the teapot without altering how humanity views the world, to try to use such an argument about something as vital as the existence of the supernatural is ridiculous. The supernatural is just that, supernatural. So it requires man to think beyond his tools and scientific idols. So naturally it is quite easy to scientifically make fun of but that makes it no less real. I would like to bring up the theories of dark energy and black holes. We don't have any idea about what either truly are or if either really exist. And certainly for science now, the idea of testing either seems ridiculous. And yet, using the teapot metaphor, majority of the brightest scientists in the world would be laughed out of any convention they went into. What's the difference? The scientists want these things and see no real way to disprove them. The theories work well with scientists because it helps explain the accelerating expansion of the universe while also holding onto creation stories that do not involve a god. This too is ridiculous. Scientists are ignoring the scientific method because they don't want the supernatural to exist. So instead they speak of extra dimensions, dark energy that can not be observed, and how the accelerating expansion of the universe is in fact still in line with a theory of a cyclical universe...it seems supernatural to me. They have their religion and they have the articles that require faith hoping that one day maybe the truth will reveal itself because they certainly don't give me the impression that they are any better than priests using logic. But I may be ignorant in their complete theories, I admit I find majority of it silly and so I find it hard to read with my eyes rolling so much. But I should pursue it shouldn't I? It is a religion that may be correct. Just as I feel any atheist should be completely open to the existence of a god (notice I'm not giving personality to the god, I mention it openly to any theist religion to embrace).

Priests and scientists are both trying to answer the questions of our origins. In the scientific method, isn't the first step to develop a question and then to strive to answer it? Well humanity has come up with the question "Why are we here?" and we have striven to answer this question since the dawn of civilization (just think, all primitive civilizations that I know of came up with a religion). Acceptance of the supernatural is the default/simplest path to answering the question of our creation. Our ancestors have shown us this. As for the Occam's Razor, it should be stated that since both science and religion rely on that which can not be proven, the simplest theory that sufficiently answers the question should be picked (this is a religion in my opinion). It should be mentioned that such a concept is a "rule of thumb" and by no means is a "irrefutable principle of logic" (wiki) and as such, doesn't actually matter in such discussions because we are all so bias about the results we want that the atheist as well as the theist could be comforted by the fact they are not "necessarily" wrong though they "probably" are wrong. So is the teapot metaphor interesting and entertaining? Sure. Is it useful to explain why religion is inferior to science? No, it makes fun of both parties because it demands we be able to prove something that we can not.

Sorry this was so long, I fear I may have ended up ranting. Hopefully though the ranting was logical(ish). This metaphor just irritates me because it is used by atheists but from what I can see, their theories fall under the same examination. It's just that most people (despite their beliefs) like to mock others for their beliefs without properly examining how silly their own are to an outsider (ex: a christian mocking a mormon for thinking Joseph Smith heard God in New York). But we all, including atheists, believe in things that we can not hope to prove. That does not mean what we believe is false, it merely means we must escape the slavery of the scientific method to pursue the truth. Such things are required, I believe, when asking about the supernatural. And so those are my thoughts, to summarize: Just because a man may be blind and deaf to the world around him doesn't mean there is no color or music, but he may be deemed a fool by his peers for dreaming such. I believe there are absolute truths in the world and while I may not be able to prove them to you, how would you prove to the blind and deaf man what music and colors are? You and I are the blind men and we have men of sight and hearing among us. They communicate to us such things exist and in the absolute sense they do, but other than faith, how would we ever believe in that which is true?

Thank you for being willing to endure such a long reply. I haven't wished to offend you throughout my monologue (and I don't think I have but if I have, it was not purposefully), I merely wished to show you what I believe to be logical reasoning towards pursuing a religion that includes a god (for indeed I consider atheism a religion) or at least why they are at least as credible as religions without a god."

After reviewing this, I wonder at how I've come up with this and indeed I doubt I could have without the Lord. I hope my knowledge of the Big Bang theory and the such wasn't too constricting towards sounding rational...I should look into these things more, especially if I feel called to be an apologetic.

Where we have failed

Yesterday I spent the night listening to a secular humanist talk about life, his reasoning for not believing in God, and his disdain for anything "holy" and for anyone that would even use that word. Yep, I went to the atheist meeting again. I enjoy it. It's refreshing to know how much pain the churches in the world has caused. Very odd phrase? Confused? Well I think it's humbling to see how these people have been hurt by their upbringing and how their churches failed them. I say this because most of them were raised Christian. But they were turned off from it. Why? They claim logic and reasoning but as much as I'd like to think they did that, it was emotion and pain that they ran from. They just connect pain to God and don't want either to exist for themselves. At least, that's what I think but I'm just some punk kid after all. But yeah, it's refreshing to be humbled by just how bad some churches are. Why? Because we can improve. This doesn't have to be a common story. Now I can clearly see how the small sins we make in our daily lives can hurt others.

That was a big thing one of them brought up when I was talking to him. It went something like this: "I just don't think even Christians believe in their religion. Just think if you truly believed that there was this all powerful god that loved you as you were and all He asks of you is to pursue Him throughout your life for eternal bliss, what wouldn't you do for Him? If I actually believed something like that I would put everything I had into following God. But I don't and none of my Christian friends follow Him like that. Why? I can only imagine it's because they don't actually believe it or at least not enough to change themselves."

I really liked that. If I didn't know he was an atheist, he may have passed for a preacher bringing up our lack of conviction for God. It's a valid rebuke. I've been working on that but naturally I still sin. Which is basically what he was talking about, if we actually believe then sin is illogical but we do sin so we don't believe. I may have oversimplified his point there but basically the biggest problem he seems to think Christians have are that they are human and alas make mistakes. It's true, at times I put things and people before God. But to have a one track mind about anything seems outlandish to me. But either way, I liked that he said that because it just shows that Christians are being judged and we are not passing the standards of the world.

Now, that doesn't mean ALL Christians aren't pursuing God with a fiery passion. But most aren't. Yes, we too are broken. We bleed. Sometimes we will withdraw from the world if we think it'll reduce pain. To me a big part of being Christian is to become what he thinks I already should be. To slowly remove that which does not matter from my life, this is my purgatory.

There seems to be reoccurring themes at those meetings that I wasn't expecting. I'm going to have to think them out, possibly pray on it. That's suppose to be good...though honestly I don't feel like I get much from it at times. Some days are good, others not so much. But I guess it's the same with anyone I communicate with. Anyway the themes seems to be: 1) hypocrisy (which surprises me since that's what they disliked about Christians...), 2) bitterness, and 3) intellectual pride. Like I said, I'll have to think more about these so maybe I'll go into more details about it later. I don't know.

Why are you here?

I ask myself this a lot. I'll look at my friends and wonder. The friends I spend most of my time with aren't strong in their faith and they don't even pretend to be pursuing it. So why am I with them? Is it my ego? Can I not let them go? I'm majoring in engineering but why? I don't see myself working on autocad and I'm certainly going to make sure if I do use it, the use is temporary. And who will fill this hole in me? God? Hmm...possibly. But it's only growing larger as I wait for Him.

The worst thing God ever did to us was make Himself so readily available to us. It's so easy to just see Him as the needy kid in high school that would do anything for a friend. And in our arrogance we think Him weak. But that's not true at all. Complete vulnerability to someone who you doubt will accept you is one of the strongest things one can do. Especially since you care. God wishes to be completely in communion with us. He wants to be vulnerable in the hope we respond accordingly.

It's odd. We all wish to be happy. In fact, I don't think someone can act in a way that they do not believe will make them feel better in some way. Now, in the shallowest sense, this is wrong. But even sacrifices made by people is for something (ex: good feeling, approval of others, approval of God). But even though a Christian may completely believe in God and all they heard in Sunday School, there will still be walls up against God. And we will pretend they don't exist and we will see our God through our invisible walls but as for ever feeling Him embrace...no, that can't happen. Not until God, death, or we break down those walls. The last is the hardest I believe. It also terrifies me. I fear the consequences of it being true. If we can break down the walls then our not doing so is a form of sin. We can see happiness and yet we hold ourselves back. But worse, without even realizing it.

Wall #1 (for me): Fear. Yes, to me it's a sentence in itself. To me it's an emotion, a life style, a trend, a reoccurring fault in my life, a debilitating sickness that cripples, let alone a stupid sentence. It's the biggest wall for me. When all others crack and God seems to be getting through, it keeps me cold and safe from His loving hands. Of what though?

Well for one, what if God's hands aren't loving and healing. What if they are those of a judge? What if I'm once with Him I must acknowledge that my individuality, nay my soul and life, is nothing but something I must sacrifice? But the biggest what if is what if God can't heal me? What if He's none of the hype people have been telling me about? What if after completely exposing me, I'm disappointed?

Reasonable? No, it's not. I should have more faith in God. But I don't. When I talk to my Christian friends about it they just tell me to pray on it (eyes roll). I wouldn't talk to them if that was working...so I suppose that's on God, I'm asking.

Wall #2: Pride. Ironically, the same thing that keeps me from completely trusting God is also one of the main reasons I remained a Christian in high school. I was thinking about it and concluded that if there was no god then there was no point...to anything. There'd be no true morality, no life after death, no reason other than indulging, no point to anything or anyone, including me! Psst, I think not. I'm important. I matter. But how can I matter, naturally I do (I accepted that as my given)? O! There must be a god that can value things and people. And since there is such a god, I am valuable. Ha, easy. Most men find their value from God but few men find the value of God from themselves. But since I pursued God to matter, my relationship with Him is shaky at best.

Wall #3: Trust. I try to help others improve themselves and think I'm doing God's work. But most attempts by another to pry into me to "fix" me leaves me quite pissed. I can do it on my own. That's the lie of the proud, right? "I don't need you" Well my lack of trust in people reflects onto my god as well. I find it hard to trust Him. And from a logical standpoint, I'm right to not trust an entity that I've never empirically encountered. Who's voice may be my own echoing in my own mind. And my Christian friends? They are weak, maybe that's what makes them so strong in what matters. But anything can break them and they turn to God to be fixed, sounds nice but any time I ever broke you know who picked up the pieces? No one. The shards of my hopes would just lie there as my parents told me how no matter what I do, I'll grow bored of it, told me how my love and interest in everything and everyone will eventually die off, didn't tell me how to love openly or how to move on once rejected. But I'm not blaming them. Most of the time they thought they were "preparing" me for what was bound to come. And I don't blame God. I turned out fine where He placed me. But not by waiting for someone else to save me. Fuck that.

He taught me that the desert is scolding in the day and freezing in the night. That the oases in life wouldn't sustain me, only the strength within me would. O, and the fellow wanderers need my strength because I can take the heat. I like to think it's because I turn to God but the pride in me says different. It shows me my Christian friends that got burnt in the SSA meeting. It shows me the people who trust in God that get let down and fall. It shows me that the world God created rewards the strong and tells me that I am one of them. I turn to God for questions, usually I get answers. For that I am grateful. I didn't realize just how serious these problems were until I started writing them out... but as for thinking God will "be there" for you...I have my doubts. I'm not denying it. I just doubt it. Not for others, God helps them but He knows I have a pride that needs to be broken so until then I can't trust Him, He's waiting for me to break so He can put me back together again. Which doesn't sound bad but there's something in me that won't have it. I may not be whole but the broken pieces I've taped back together has created someone that can tear through most crap the world surrounds him in.

God pursue me. If you can reach me in this castle I've built, you can tear it down. If that happens, I may just be able to reach over the ruined walls and embrace you. And as I say all of this, as I plead for you to be my escape, I can't help but ask myself "Why are you here?"

My Apologies to the Atheists

Last Thursday I went to a SSA meeting (Secular Student Association). As you have probably guessed from the blog thus far, I am not atheist. I'm quite the theist. Anyway, I went there and the event was organized to where Christians would talk for 20 minutes saying what they believe, then the atheists talk for 20 minutes about what they believe. Afterwords, there's a question and answer session. Fun? How could it not be?

Well for one, majority of the Christians that attended this event with me were feeling based Christians from what I can gather, the atheists gathered as much. So naturally, they were of no use in a discussion. If anything, they were detrimental because the atheists could continue their stereotyping that Christians used God to feel better about life, or God is merely a psychological/evolutionary development.

Don't get me wrong, a relationship with anyone includes emotions so naturally the most important one in any of our lives will also include emotions. BUT to try to justify your beliefs with a description of feelings and emotions is silly. I'm Christian and I hate when my fellow Christians talk of how God makes them feel. We are His creation, it doesn't matter if we feel like crap as Christians, if it's true then we must pursue God. No matter the cost, even our own happiness. But guess what? God designed us to only be complete and happy in Him. Now does this mean a religious person will always feel fulfilled? Of course not, it means that only through being religious person will we feel truly fulfilled ever (yeah, I'm a pro-blogger, I used bold).

So why am I against happiness and God being intertwined? Because I worry people start blurring the line of what they pursue in my religion. Are we pursuing God and so are happy or are we pursuing God to be happy? Notice the second option shows what you truly pursue is not God but the happiness He provides you. And as I've mentioned earlier, happiness can not be a goal for a stable (and happy) person. As a true theist, I should be willing to pursue God and be miserable than be happy and godless (italics too?! he's going all out on this post...).

And so I listened to the atheists tear down my friends as they talked of how God made them feel. I won't lie, I enjoyed it. Being happy by pursuing God is no form of evidence, some of my friends have been happy to accept God and reject thinking about the implications of that. But the atheists have thought of it. And so I was able to talk to them and explain my religion. It was refreshing to both sides I believe, I liked the challenging questions and they enjoyed me not throwing the F-words out there (faith and feeling).

But this has all been the foundation for what's coming next (doesn't most of our lives feel like that sometimes) in the post. Sure it's cool to have tolerant conversations with atheists but what I really liked was that I think I was affirmed in what I'm to be used for by God ( I believe we all have a purpose, like different parts of the body). In terms of my purpose as a Christian, I believe I would be best used as an apologetic. To destroy the faulty arguments against my religion and reinforce the faith of those less logic based Christians. Because honestly, I think a lot of the Christians went in there thinking "Yeah, God's just going to show up, they'll convert, and we will all rejoice. Yeah!" That's an awful way to view such a situation. It should be seen as the opening act of their salvation, not the whole play... Especially since a lot of the atheists had been brought up Christians and knew the Gospel and Good News and all that. So there was not going to be a "wow" factor unless it was done in reasoning...but maybe that's just me. I don't know.

For better or for worse, I preferred being with the Atheists than being with Christians. Atheists think for the most part on why they believe things. I would prefer someone who had reasonable answers for why they disagreed with me than someone that agreed with me for an awful reason. But either way, love should always be first in our hearts, for love is God. And so if I really am bothered about the foundations of my Christian friends, I should strive to lovingly show them the WHY in our religion.

No Fidelity Here

So it's been a weekish since my last post ( I think, yes that's right I'm not going to check, I don't care that much). A reoccurring series of thoughts coming over me is my lack of fidelity with regards to God. Was I created by the guy? Sure. Has everything I ever known merely been something He thought up and said "yes" to? I can't imagine why not. Will God take care of me throughout my life? ...what? God doesn't do that, can He even do that?

Why can the whole world be created and saved through God yet I still hold that He can't help me? Or something else bothering me, do I even want to be "saved", "completed", "made whole"? What if my brokenness is all I know and trust? Is this a problem? Probably. But the mountains can be majestic and the glaciers of the world magnificent but without the brokenness of them, what are they? I want to trust God with others but with myself I delay. Something always comes up and I give God a rain check.

At times, I don't know why. Is it trust? Is it that I just don't think it's/I'm that important? Why can't I do His Will? Ugh...

Sometimes I wish that I was a million miles away, in a country that speaks a language I never heard before, and I? I adapt, I thrive, and I worship God.

I need something to believe. I need to be sustained cause this world isn't cutting it. Should I strive to break it as it has tried to break me? What is permitted? I need something to live for cause this American Dream keeps causing me to wake up in a sweat. Fear of my nightmare, and it's in me. I am it. I need to be poor, I need to be destroyed, crushed, drowned out. Success is too risky, I may like it and who knows how I'll change. God knows I can't turn to Him when my tools glisten so. So break it, me, everything.

There's a reoccurring vision that I'll get at least once a week it seems. I'll be waiting to get into heaven (in a line, yeah, it's silly) and I finally get to Peter and he says that I was amazing, people that interacted with me were able to grow closer to God because I was willing to walk with them through their issues with Him and show His love. This causes me to be very happy, joy is an understatement, it's relief that I was useful to God. I wasn't a waste. Damn, it's a good feeling. But we've both been in this scene and so the next part is only made more bearable when Peter says I can't go inside. After helping others my entire life, I never spent enough time sorting my own issues out, never trusted completely in God. And so I'm sent out in a bitter sweet symphony onto a road going no where for it doesn't lead to God, and I've been on it my whole life. I suppose that road's name could be many things...anyway, whatever it's called, it's not leading me to God...

Okay, need to concentrate. So God, what's up? Why is it so hard to trust you? O, one reason may be because every time I've tried that out it, it didn't really work. Though I suppose most of those times were me asking selfishly which means it shouldn't work: "You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions." (James 4:3) Ugh, I don't know. What am I supposed to trust you with? Anything that would be hard to trust you with is a thing that I'm passionate about. My future welfare, future wife, future plans, current spiritual fighting, and current confusion: these are important to me but what am I to expect if I pray to you God? I've asked you to heal my friends, to save my sister, to purify me but none of these things have been fulfilled that I'm aware of. Sure, you do things by your time not by ours but how the heck can anyone trust in you when you haven't delivered yet...in anything...faith? Possibly but I don't trust strangers I just met to help me with something important, I don't have faith in them because I haven't seen them in action.

We need some more give in take God, I can't trust you if you stay in the clouds. You gotta be in the game with me. I've seen you be with others, I trust you help others, but I've yet to see you really hit me hard with a "God moment" or come through for me when I was about to crumble...or is that it? You won't come until I'm broken down, only then you will redeem and restore me. Is that it? Cause if that's the case I have no idea when I'll see you in my life. I know you know best, I'm sure this will work out. That's nothing to worry about but how can you expect me to think you'll come through for me if you never do (from my perspective)?

Ugh, the two of us need to spend more time together...

The Unforgiven

This is something I wrote a day or two ago. It's certainly not spectacular or anything, just my thoughts streamed out piece by piece. But it talks about something I've always had trouble with, self forgiveness. It's so easy for me to forgive others, "they don't know better," "he did not mean to," or (my favorite) "it was just the way they were raised." Who knows, maybe it is a pride thing, "I can't hold them to the standards I hold myself to, they aren't as (insert word-ex:smart, religious, thoughtful) as me." But to myself, I can be a nazi. Want to see me uncomfortable? Have me walk behind an attractive woman who may or may not be dressed "liberally." And if we walk up some stairs, dear God you know how I will stare at the surrounding grass with fascination. "Look at how intrinsically beautiful that leaf is (still a few more stairs to go...) O! There's another one...(stare at said leaf because I don't want to give into lustful glances). And if I give in? O, the guilt, the conviction of my own depravity. But that's just a silly example. Then life happens and I can be consumed by it. It's odd, guilt doesn't need a soul to weigh down. At least if it does, it is not aware of the need as it slowly kills the joy and love of the infected soul. This weekend I had a fall of grace and as I moved past it my dear old friends hypocrisy, self-loathing, and naturally guilt were there to make sure I didn't move on too fast, that I learned my "message" from the experience. But their message is not one I wish to hear, I've heard it far too long for too many years of my life. I feel like I don't even need to mention it. Everyone's heard the voices crawling in their heads, that you are not what you should be, that you can't change. Condemned to live in self denial only indulging in guilt and humiliation, that's the only honorable way to live, that's all I deserve. I deserve this. I would be selfish to expect better. O, how convincing self-conviction can be. You know all your weaknesses and shortfalls but whenever you try to think of the good qualities of yourself, how easy is it to brush them off as "not that important" or "I'm being proud" or even "that's an evil thing to be good at." Surprised? Yeah, I even get the last one. I have qualities that transfer well to being a scoundrel and I may well be that but I choose to use these gifts in a different way if I can. But being able to lie like a champ, what holy work can be done with being able to sin so well? And so it seems like we were bred incomplete, disgusting. This poem (I guess that's how it would be classified...), is about if you try to carry your sin, your hurt. We have to let it go though, it's not ours to keep. We need to move on and walk unburdened in the path God sets before us...holy smokes, this intro is longer than the actual poem...whatever. Enjoy.

The Unforgiven

Time's so easy to live in. We play, we dance, we sing, and then finally we go. But that's not how the story ends, is it? We can't just end there when that's only the prelude and we as we are, only the beginning.

As I'm getting older, fewer things are mattering. But it's cool because what remains matters so much more. The process is slow, scientists couldn't perceive it, but I'm becoming a better person (I think). But it's caused by one of my biggest problems.

I've always been taught that to live with beauty, strength, and without regret is the one rule for a good life. I don't know who told me this, kids just pick stuff up. But I'm not following my own rule, if nothing else, I am living with constant regret.

It's been too easy to go to God to solve my problems, He's too good at fixing them. So as a fool, I've hid them behind a fig leaf, as if the Almighty God could be thwarted by that. I relish the pain of solving my own problems but I don't know why. Maybe because I feel I deserve it.

But it's been not enough, I have to find other people's problems and try to help them as well. I needed to hurt more, no one ever learned anything being happy. Somber wisdom was preferable to happy foolishness. I was helping God, I was exempt from needed Him, I aided Him. I was a fool.

I've been stupid. Why do men hold onto their sins like coveted treasures? We abandon our children and dreams before our sins...is that why women fear abandonment so much? If their fathers leave them for sins, what does that make them?

At times I wonder if I run from happiness. I'm happy to be content but to be more is not necessary. Why do I feel guilty about the prospect of being happy? Even as I type this the answer echoes from the deep chasms of my heart, "Because you are not worthy of it"

Why does God accept us back so readily? Doesn't He know the extra guilt I receive with His forgiveness? It's so easy, but I'm so unworthy. His forgiveness condemns me as I am humiliated by how more than me He really is.

If pride was the father of sin and God was the father of righteousness, why do we sometimes feel like orphans? We have two fathers. Fighting over our custody. Over our dreams and hopes.

(If and) When God accepts me into heaven, will I accept His acceptance or remember? We are the lost children, unattended to as our parents fight over us. There are so many trails but only one leads to Him. And even if I find it, what if I can't forgive myself of the others I lost along the way?

God is perfect, of that I doubt many will disagree. So why the despairing and lost? Satan did not and can not outmaneuver God but he could have more willing tools than God. And our brokenness is not on Him, no it is on us. And if we are not careful we shall become the unforgiven.

This is the world we live in (part dos).

It occurred to me that the post I just wrote (the one below this one, you should probably read it before this one) was supposed to address something other than what it did. I guess it doesn't really matter since this is kind of a bunch of random thoughts in one group. But what concerned me about my previously mentioned friend was that being happy was one of her main goals/priorities in life.

Naturally, whenever I speak of others and their opinions, only uplifting things are stated and eventually I may finally venture forth to bring up some small issue that I have with their said opinion. That being said, her opinion sucks. You can't strive for happiness as a goal. It's too broad. Happiness (to me at least) is best achieved when you are pursuing something and are enjoying yourself in the process. To pursue happiness itself seems dangerous, especially since she didn't even mention God in her priorities...God is a mere dominant strategy for her. She believes in case that saves her but as for actually changing her actions, please, let's not be superstitious here.

And you know what I dislike the most about this whole priority question episode? I wonder how many people would actually read that question and stop to think compared to the masses that are no doubting just continuing the reading (instant gratification?). Anyway, I don't like that I believe those are her priorities...her life reflects them clearly. Drinking, sex, and having a lot of shallow silly friends (possibly I fall under this...), yep she's looking for happiness. And I wonder if it's such a high priority because she's having little luck finding it. Reasoning: If someone is usually happy and at least generally content with their life, would being happy be one of their top three priorities in life? I'd answer no, only those who aren't happy truly understand what a blessing it is.

So she's dying of thirst. What would you do for a cup of water in the middle of a desert after a day or two? She needs the happiness but doesn't realize that pursuing it directly is like chasing a mirage in the desert, it's so close...you can almost taste it and then it retreats back into the distance and you're left broken. Hopeless. I don't want this for her. She can be so much better, the potential is ridiculously amazing compared to her now (though, she is a good person now, just not really a happy/devout person). At least she's a humanitarian...I guess that's nice...

Ugh, do I do this a lot? Yesterday someone mentioned that they felt like they were a project in my eyes. The paragraph above doesn't give a much different story...is this a reoccurring theme in my friendships? I feel like sometimes I'm drawn to "projects" though I honestly don't view either of the previously mentioned people as projects. I wonder if it's so I can learn how to fix my sister...but I'm not God...I am an instrument of His though. What if He's using me to improve people? And by being with them, I introspectively improve myself, everyone wins.

Friendships are actually something I've been thinking a lot about recently. Why do I have them? Do I pick people that I think I'd be useful to or people that I think would be useful to me? Or is this the wrong way to view people in general...am I their tool or are they mine? If God's using us to improve each other, what's intrinsically valuable?

God is intrinsically valuable. This can be my given. So whatever God values is valuable for His opinion is the only one that matters, this is how we can all be instrumentally valuable. However, if God wills us to even throw our lives away, we should, yeah? For pleasing Him is the only thing that matters. So if He wishes us to fix people and in the process be purified and refined ourselves, then we should? And if God wants us to live lives that don't particularly make us happy, we should for God wills it? Of course, I've always seen happiness as an attitude thing. I could be happy leading people to their lethal injection if I had the right attitude about it. Though I don't suggest adopting such intense attitudes...ugh, I have a headache and as I close my eyes I can hear distinctly my sub conscience scream "Shut up!"

This is the world we live in.

What are your priorities? This is a question a friend and I asked each other. The results were interesting and religion may have had a hand in where we differed.

She said her top three priorities (ascending order): being in shape, pursuing happiness, and helping the very few people in this world she cares about.

Mine were a little muddled...I found that I had the text book answers to the question but whenever I thought about what I think about I thought that I think (sorry for that, I think that thought line is thoughtfully entertaining) more about secular things than about God...but it's confusing because a lot of the things I care about or at least the ways I go about them still incorporate God. But He's not what I'm thinking about.

But I'm just dodging the question, yeah? Well don't worry, I'll answer it. Though I'll be doing my top five because I know all of you just salivate over your laptops until my next post to know more about me. In ascending order: taking care of my body, being more intelligent than those who surround me, taking care of my friends, (these next two were when I had serious trouble) finding someone to marry that fits my qualifications (not going into those since that would take its own post...), and pursuing God until I collapse.

But the big problem I had was that a lot of these intertwine...I am taking care of a temple of God when I exercise, I strive to know more than others only to give them a hand up, I take care of my friends because I care about them and think that's how God would want me to treat His children, and my future wife would have to have a serious Christian foundation. So as an aggregate, pursuing God does come first, but for the most part I rarely explicitly think about it...

But maybe I'm just making an excuse? Maybe the cold truth is God isn't number one in my life. In theory I know He matters so much more than me but something gets lost in translation from the sketch paper to real life. And here is where we sin, I suppose. We all know what we "should" do but alas that's not for us.

In fact I remember in my teenage years I thought of myself as God's twisted angel, willing to help others through questionable means. I would do whatever I thought yielded the best results for God, no matter the personal cost. Ha, I was (and still am) quite dramatic in my thoughts. I imagined being at the gates of heaven, seeing all the people God saved through using my as He did and having St. Peter say I couldn't enter the gates because I hadn't lived a good life though I had good intentions. To me this was beautiful, to be condemned for having the strength and conviction to do what no one else was willing to do, the right thing. Lies and deception? Psst! Mere venial sins, what are they compared to being an instrument of God. His dark knight.

Then as I became more introspective, I realized that this may not be God's thought process but my own pride mixed with Satan. It was a lack of faith essentially. I wasn't willing to trust that not sinning, I could serve God efficiently. I had to live by my own code, I threw God's out...not the best plan. So now I've stepped away from this thinking a little (though not completely). God made me strong enough to accomplish whatever He set out for me to do. I need to trust in that...and trust in Him...

How Things Are Going...

I feel like the only time I write is when I'm struggling with something so as a result my posts are morbid or unfeeling. However, I don't feel that way today. Today, I can feel my heart beat, strong and steady and willing to beat until God says stop.

Religiously I've grown (I believe) in the last couple of weeks. I was struggling with putting God before school and relationships but I believe (that hopefully) I've fixed that for now. It's ridiculous just how easy it is to forget about your relationship to God when more tangible issues face you. And then what are we to do if the issues are mixed with God? I suppose "pray" would be the textbook answer here (textbook being the Bible).

I've been dealing with something recently that is connected to God and I have prayed on but still are unsure as to how I should proceed...of course, because I lack imagination in my daily life, my problem is about a woman.

Unfortunately, I am completely oblivious to the crushing of my own heart when I am with her. I have been friends with her for a year though I always have wanted to be more. She however, feels differently but really values me as a friend. And I don't think I'm just saying that to at least ease my pain a little, I honestly think I am one of her best friends though I could be ridiculously mistaken (a man can be logical in all things except where his heart is, there I believe logic fails drastically and we must all look to God as our only compass towards joy). Anyway, she's gone through some troubled times and I really feel like I need to be with her to help her talk it out and I love spending time with her (even if I'm stuck as a "friend") but it's killing me slowly because I can't move on. Whenever I've been rejected in the past, I would just isolate myself from the person and time would heal the wound as I moved on. Now however, I feel like I need to be there for her and I want to be around her but I know she doesn't want me and it hurts like hell.

But I'm not one to just sit there taking it without action. I decided to pray to God, see if the big guy could give me any words to go by. All I got was this though: "You're not going to get her, but you can save her." I don't know what to make of it to a degree because I'm fairly sure she's a better Christian than me, how could I save her? But then again, I don't matter. I can't save anyone, only God can. So whether I think I'm useful or not, if God wants me to be with her and talk about our lives, shouldn't I? Plus, if I actually care for her, won't I just do that which I believe will make her the happiest?...even if it destroys me?

So this post wasn't too much about God but since no one reads this anyway I feel like I have not let my readers down. Adios.

Dreams and Other Forgotten Things

When I was younger, I used to have big plans on how I could help people with my life. My general philosophy was that I was going to make damn sure I left the world in better condition than I found it...but it's impossible.

Why do we all give up? Sure, we never say it, such things are improper. But we do, we compromise. We give in. We grow too fat and lazy to pursue dreams. They're so intimidating aren't they? I mean holy smokes, just look at what I used to think I'd do...I can't do that without global support. One man used to do a lot back in the day, but now with no one believing in anything nothing gets done. Men could cast off their mortality and become the center of an idealistic movement back in the day. Now though? No chance. People have been taught since they were young to not be a sucker, don't fall for anything, and realize that everyone's trying to scam each other. But with a generation of atheists who think they know what's up, we're all screwed. No dreams can be accomplished by men of that caliber, we need to be naive. We need to be willing to be wrong. Faith, not even of God but of ourselves, that's is what is required. But we don't want to believe in ourselves because that's the worst thing to be wrong about. We aren't willing to fail there. And so we don't try.

The Desert

The oases in life are too few and far in between. We all enjoy them don't we? But we can't just stop there, there's a desert that needs crossing. Yeah, life can suck, sure it seems that our society is based on entertaining ourselves until our deaths. But we are not just consumers, we are so much more.

That's how it goes doesn't it? We get worried about the actual substance of our lives but then we get a pep talk from someone, something that's no doubt uplifting and probably full of crap. Without religion of some sort, everything is literally pointless in the truest sense of the word. Sure we attribute value to things, but we die, thus nothing truly holds value since it is only valuable because we like it (how many have died for that shiny shit called gold?). Maybe in a century gold will be replaced as the all important thing by something else...like toilet paper. All matter doesn't matter, only what we do with it does, and only if there is a God does what we do with it matter.

How can men without faith not commit suicide? To have such conviction and faith in your own beliefs that there is nothing worth believing in would be to be a god yourself. To choose when you existed or not, what greater power could you ask for? Why give this temporary place such power as to decide that for you. It's slavery. Running with fear from the inevitable, I'd rather face it, laugh at it. But I can't...I'm trapped.

My god will not allow me to die just because I deemed this so pointless, for some reason He sees reason in it and so I respectfully wait. He knew men would have to turn to Him here. Surrounded by the products of our sick minds we see our daughters and sisters turn into whores and prostitutes, we see our sons and brothers turn to different addictions becoming slaves or slavers, and worse of all we see ourselves change. We used to have men in the world. Men who would sail into what scholars assured them was their deaths. Men who would fight for one woman instead of taking whatever he could get with hordes of them. Men with loyalty, but that word's a joke nowadays. And are we happier?

I say no. We are trying to take all the short cuts we know and its leading to a pathetic civilization. An individual person can be so beautiful and brave but once put into the masses of cowards, they become suicidal and unseemly. We deserve this but I still want to save us. I'm certainly no Jesus or Mohammad but God deserves more from us, and so do my children.

So don't try to stay in your current oasis, our lives aren't about just being comfortable. It's about fighting constantly (usually with our bodies) to be better people. We can be so much better but damn it, it'll cost. It took Moses 40 years just to get to the promised land, and he only got to see it. Well I'm willing to die unburied in the desert but if someone looks on at my remains I want it to show that I was going somewhere, not just hiding in the oasis from the heat of life.

Doubts

Whenever I try to grow closer to God, I always have something holding me back. The thing that irritates me is the "thing" is me. I have doubt and fears that have not been dealt with yet and I am having serious difficulties with them. For example, here's a story to show one of them:

The Hedonist

Once there lived a strong and intelligent nobleman who strove to do that which was best for his people. His name was David. The king of the land was not as concerned for the people though, in fact, he cared nothing much for any of them. This mighty king was called Saul. David was Saul's top adviser in spite of the fact that they viewed the country so differently. For Saul, in stead of spending his time shepherding his great country, decided to indulge in anything and everything that pleased him. David wished to ease the lives his countrymen who strove hard to support the nobility. Yet the two men's conflicting goals both led to the same conclusion: David should run the country provided that none of his policies affected Saul and that David was still second in command. This country was one without a god. Not that the people had denied one, they just lacked the imagination to create one.
And life continued for years in this way until David noticed that the nobility was killing itself. Not through murder, but suicide. This alone would have been troubling but the notes left by the dead men were starting to raise the suicide rate, the crime level, and a loss of productivity dramatically. So he started to read the notes himself and the notes had a similar effect on David. As for the contents of the notes, the general conclusions in them could be summarized to be:
1) We will all die.
2) Once we die, it doesn't matter what we did in this life for we are still dead and will no longer exist.
3) Being good does not lengthen a man's life so morality doesn't matter for the just and wicked all die alike.
4) A life without a meaningful purpose is pointless.
5) We all die no matter what purposes we pursue.
6) A purpose is only as meaningful as we value it.
7) We can't value something once we are dead.
8) In the long run, all purposes are meaningless since we die.
9) Since all purposes are meaningless, life is pointless.

Such were the conclusions David read and he couldn't help but agree with them. Still though, he wished for people to live happy lives, for after all, whether life is pointless or not, shouldn't the living be made as content as possible? So he presented the king with his problem: how can he make the commoners continue to love life and view it as meaningful. Saul, as usual, didn't care in the least bit and wouldn't have bothered with the issue at all if it wasn't for the report of how significantly the amount of taxes collected dropped. Which makes sense for why should the people pay if they can get away with not paying? Plus many people had given up working or had worked less so they those that continued to pay didn't even have that much to give. This in turn hurt the treasury or more importantly, Saul's allowance.

So now Saul and David were working together on a solution to the sudden apathy that had gripped their homeland. Unfortunately though, they weren't having any success. Neither really disagreed with the notes and the only reasons they continued to strive for a better country was David's fatherly love for his people and Saul's indulging love in the pleasures of this world. But these reasons couldn't be shared with others and sustain a country so they were at a lost of what to do. This is when a man named Nathan entered their land.

Nathan claimed to be a prophet, a term which neither David nor Saul ever heard of. In fact, they never would have even heard of Nathan except that wherever he went, the people went back to work and the criminal and suicide rates dropped lower than they had ever been in the country's history. After a few inquiries into the improved areas, they found out that a drifter named Nathan had preached in all of the areas and that he was loved by the people in the provinces. So David and Saul sought Nathan out and after finding him, brought Nathan to the capital to discuss his success and background.

First Nathan explained that he was from a foreign country and had left there from disgust. He spoke of a foolish king named Solomon who believed in a religion (this term and its ramifications had to then be taught to David and Saul) and even wasted taxes on building a great temple to worship the god. Nathan was exiled after proposing to Solomon that the temple was merely the apex of human stupidity and waste. It seemed that for a holy man, Nathan thought quite atheistically. But his tale wasn't finished there, he then spoke of his many travels into multiple nations preaching "the Foolish Word" as he privately called it. Nathan was not content to just let religion spread of its own accord, he too wanted his fun at creating ones and so he did. His hope was to have so many silly religions conflicting each other that man had to realize that religion was just a delusion and that they had been duped quite thoroughly. After this, Nathan explained, man would be united into one nation that didn't worship a god but the truth: that death was the end.

In Nathan, David and Saul saw their solution. Just trick the people. Saul certainly had no issue with it and David justified it knowing people would be happier if they treated the lie as the truth. And so David and Saul sent Nathan out to preach his religion to the people. Sure not all believed it, but the seed of doubt of what was true was planted. And from it blossomed beautifully blissful lives of ignorance of what was true. In fact, by the end of Nathan's tour around the country, the lies of Nathan and the truth mixed to make such a marvelously unclear gray mist around the occurrence of death that multiple religions were already forming where death was considered a good thing for the now dead person was with a god or some such nonsense that no one attempted to prove. And all the while David and Saul rejoiced.

People were happier than ever before and, more importantly to Saul, they were working harder than before. O Saul had so many memorable quotes as he spoke joyfully to David and Nathan. Some of which include: "O, how perfect! Before the government could only enslave the body but now with religion, we can enslave the heart and mind as well!" or "Ha, they preach now that the hedonists of this world should revile religion but why is this David? We should embrace the tool that convinces fools to provide for us!" or his personal favorite "Nathan thank you, you have given me the best social worker I've ever had by leaps and bounds...GOD!" But despite his happiness, Saul still had devised plans against Nathan.

It is true, Nathan helped the kingdom more than Saul ever had but he was still a threat. Nathan wished to spread religion just so all would see how foolish it was and eventually abandon it while Saul wished it to be an eternal lie to pacify his kingdom among others. Even David was against Nathan knowing that he wished to kill religion purely from spite, not love. And so the two devised a plot to kill Nathan, which they then carried out. And when the people cried out for an answer, Nathan (under the threat of a life in constant torture) explained that he must go and leave them to see God. For the people's sins must be accounted for and as long as they followed the laws of man (Saul was quite clear this point had to be addressed in all the religious preachings of Nathan) and the laws of God, they could follow Nathan to the beautiful eternal life promised to them. And so he went on spreading his lies until his last breath, laughing internally all the while.

After Nathan's death, many of the different religions began fighting amongst themselves declaring the others to be false. This in turn led to killings that David nor Saul had ever expected. But through weaving a tapestry of lies they made the religions tolerate and even pity each other for being lost. And so the kingdom continued well past the lives of David and Saul. Each quite proud of what they had accomplished together but even more amused that the first religious martyr had been an atheist.

3:42 a.m. and I can't go to sleep

For those of you who astutely read the title of this, you know when I'm typing this so if any wording seems odd, work with me for I am tired. This blog will most chance not really be read by anyone except me and possibly a few people who either I thought would enjoy it or stumbled upon it. In any case, I thought I should explain what it will be about.

It shouldn't be this hard but no matter what I do, I can't get close to God. Well to be fair, I have continued to sin so I suppose I haven't done everything...still though it's God, He could just work with the effort I'm giving Him.

Ha, though as I write this I think about just how little effort I actually put into my faith. Sure I'll have discussions with people and read my Bible and pray and blah, blah, blah. But what if I'm just going through the motions? What if my subconscious thinks there's an unspoken deal between it and God that I haven't realized yet: I go through all the hoops of a Christian life and you get me into heaven.

What if my long term self interest (after life included in calculations) drives me to desire a closer relationship with God but because of the selfish motive I fail? For after all, isn't this life to God all about our motives? Who cares what we actually did? Both the wicked and righteous die and the world goes on spinning. I suppose mankind would care of our actions but certainly not God. If God created the universe (which I assume He did) then what is our triumphs to Him? What I believe He cares about is motive, the why of our actions. If He was greatly troubled by something then He could fix it, so we shouldn't think we are doing the big guy any favors. However, He gave us free will so we are able to have despicable motives as well as honorable ones. And what better way to show our love for Him than to have our motive be to grow close to Him?

Well, it depends. If our shallow motive is to grow closer to Him but our deeper one is to get in good with the boss man, there is no love but only self interest. If our shallow motive is again to grow closer to Him but our deeper one is to love God more and know His ways better, then there is certainly love in the faith.

I can't say certainly that I'm the latter...I'm probably more of a mix between the two which is still bad. But either way it's past 4 am for me now so I'm off. I'm not sure when I'll post something new on but it probably won't be too long.